Monday, 10 November 2008

Panic and Raffles

I've not written a post for a while again, I know, I'm a very bad person.  I'm finding it hard to get motivated to do things, pretty much anything, including getting out of bed.  I just feel tired, tired and then a bit tired.  It hasn't helped that I've had a cold on the go too, which has left me with that annoying ear thing, where whenever you speak it sounds really loud in your head.  I keep saying, "what?" or "pardon?" to anything said to me, as I can't hear a sausage!

I've also been worrying like some custom built worrying machine.  Has the tumour shrunk at all?  It's had a cycle of the new chemo and I'm in cycle 2, with a scan next Monday.  I keep thinking I'm noticing small symptoms that I had before, which I then use to conclude that the treatment has failed and then panic that I'm out of proper options.  Not a good place to be.  Luckily, I don't stay there too long, but the slightest thing seems to get my mind back there.  I know the chances aren't that high that it will work, but come on, I've never won hardly anything on the lottery and whenever there are raffles, I never get a sniff in.  When I was little I used to go with my ma and pa to the British Legion club, where they would go dancing and have a few drinks and I'd sit and be well behaved drinking coke.  There was always a raffle.  I think in all the years we went, we won twice!  Although, there was a family who seemed to win every other week.  Hmmm, sounds like a fix.  Legion raffle had some pretty good prizes, you know!  Anyway, I reckon I should have earned a bundle of "luck karma" and should now be able to spend it!  I just need to know who manages such things and how to get in touch with them.

8 comments:

MARK BELLEW said...

Come on mate keep fightng and thinking positive, although i know thats not easy when you feel tired and down.

I know you just have to fight right to the finish mate and come out the victor.

My sympathy and best wishes to you
Mark

Sandra said...

Just wanted to say I believe in you. And I’m not just writing that. I really do.
I believe in your will, strength and ability to go through this – and get out the other end (and write a best seller about it too)

Look after yourself

San xx

Peter Fletcher said...

Morning Ricardo
Good to read your latest blog, honesty is the best policy and you wouldn't be human if you didn't have doubts. But you've got the right attitiude, a fantastic and inspiring attitude! Which, by coincidence, is this morning' UCB Word for Today - "Your ability to succed in life often comes down to a single choice: how you react to what has been done to you in the past, or is being done to you right now. Dr Viktor Frankl endured the Holocaust by this principle. The nazis killed his family, placed him in a concentration camp, starved and beat him. When the war ended Frankl was neither broken, bowed not bitter. When asked how he endured such treatment with a positive outlook he said, 'Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms, to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.' There are only two kinds of attitudes; good ones and bad ones."
There's no doubt you've got a good attitiude!!
Cheers and prayers
Peter <><

Anonymous said...

Sorry about your sucky week. Listen I agree with Peter Fletcher - honesty is best policy everyone has doubts, I don't care who you are. Its what you do with them that counts. You gotta keep fighting even if that fight manifests itself in something as simple as writing your blog. What you are doing is saying "there is one bit of me that little b@stard in my body hasn't taken from me". So well done for persisting with it.

Love (manly staight kind) and prayers

Pikey

Jane said...

Hi baby brother Ricardo
Just wanted to say to you that you know how mum was such an incredible inspiration to us all and everyone else - well, you may not grasp this one but so are you! You may argue that you don't have a choice but yes you do! You could just give in and drop the positive attitude and stop fighting. No, not you! You have too many Chadwick/Wildman genes. Easy for me to say I know but I know you know what I mean. Come on brother we are counting on you. Take time and rest and then turn your head around. Good on you! I love you. I pray that God's healing touch will be upon you as you read this. Just soak it in and ask for more. Jane xx

Anonymous said...

Hi Rich
Sometimes everyone needs their comfort blanket in bed ! reminds me of that peanut character Lynus? I think he was called . tiredness may mean you need the rest to strengthen you in spirit and mind . your courage is an inspiration to many so keep your pecker up as i say to my grandson .Billy Joel sings " Its all about soul "
thinking of you , keep the faith

Bert and chrissie

Chemo-Man said...

Hi Richard,

Hang in there and keep fighting dude. I understand how hard it is to keep thinking positive; none of us are perfect. Don’t beat yourself up for faltering. Don’t let this cancer bastard take away your happiness. Enjoy your family and friends. Good luck with your scan next week. The universe owes you one.

Fordy said...

good luck on monday,keep positive and fighting hard. thinking of you and sending positive general good luck karma your way

and dont worry about not being able to hear sausages, they very rarely have anything interesting to say.

fordy