Steve & Sue's Wedding

Yesterday I travelled up to Lancashire to begin the celebrations for the wedding of Richie's best man Steve and his lovely lady Sue. A long journey on the first Friday after the schools break up is not fun! I decided to drive up in Richie's TT, seemed like I was bringing a bit of his spirit with me, which I certainly did in Road Rage! Don't get me wrong I'm usually fairly placid when behind the wheel of a car, but after 8 hrs of driving to do a journey which should have taken half that time I was a little tetchy! And why do people HOG the middle land ARGH (ok perhaps still not quite over that!).

Anyway, 1 Audi, 2 ladies, at least 4 motorways with at least 6 accidents (not us luckily, although Katy was close to having her own 'accident' when needing a wee and stuck in a jam 17 miles from services, she is going to kill me for writing that hehehehe!) bam we arrive in Lancashire - although I was nearly 2 hours late for the rehearsal at the Church. It seems a lot of people where in the same situation so I was kindly forgiven by a very calm Mr & Mrs to be (considering it was the eve of their big day) and invited to join them at Sue's parents for a BBQ.

After the BBQ we checked into the hotel, which is also the location of the Wedding reception - a fantastic pub/hotel with the most amazing views. It almost feels like we are out on the moors, very romantic location for a wedding reception - and stupidly I have forgotten my camera so cannot post a picture of the view at this time but will get Katy to do this for me and add later..... oh hang on can use my camera phone silly me!! Here goes:-

As you can see fabulous views, anyway feel like I am rambling again! So a couple of glasses of wine in the bar then we hit our beds. Which leads straight to me tapping away at this post.

I guess today has bought me back to my own wedding day. I remember waking up early and having a massive walk with my Dad through Dartmouth. He didn't do a typical 'Dad wedding chat', we just talked about loads of stuff - just general day to day stuff and it was really special. We walked down this massive hill into the Marina and I said to Dad lets go get a cup of tea - great idea he said but I have no money. D'oh neither did I!! So we had to hike back up this hill to the house and were 2 very dehydrated people when we got back!

We then had a limo ride to Berryhead which took about an hour as they couldn't use the ferry. Me, Dad and the bridesmaids sat in the limo in our PJ's (except for Dad who stuck with Jeans and a Tee) drinking Champagne. I was a mix of nerves and excitement, but it felt great. I remember getting this really lovely text from Rich saying how calm he was feeling (which was not how I expected him to be at all - to quote the tv series friends and I am sure a lot of his mates would agree - he was not likely to take a wife!! The eternal bachelor!) and how much he was looking forward to making me his Mrs Wildman - Rich could be the most soppy person I knew at times, it was great. Perhaps I should blog some of those memories? I always have this fear of forgetting those moments without him here to remind me. Anyway rambling again!

So when we arrived at the Berryhead Rich had to take over with Harry and we took over the room to get ready. Immediately I realised why Rich was so calm, our room was so peaceful and all you could see and here was the sea - bliss! I think it was only when I left the room all dressed up in my lovely gown and sparkly Gina shoes that my legs began to wobble and the nerves hit me. I think my Dad could probably feel me shaking as he took my arm to walk me down the aisle. Once standing by Rich though and seeing tears in his eyes the nerves went and I just giggled at how my big strong man was being more girly than me!

So I guess today is going to be great fun but also a little emotional especially as the tears are forming just writing this blog and facing into the memories with the fact that he is not here anymore.

But the most important thing to say is Congratulations to Steve & Sue and I really hope you love this day as much as I loved the day I married my Racoon.

Sammie x

A Bit Of Lady Love Heading My Way!

So after a bit of melancholy, I decided to get my ass back into gear and focus on some of the stuff that (still!!!) needs doing to the house etc!

So as well as a very busy week this week at work (got given another team to manage last week so currently frantically trying to do 121s etc), I have also (with the help of trusty Dave Angel!) hung some ace wedding photos around the house, made the conservatory a little more homely, booked a plasterer to skim my bedroom ceiling tomorrow and a decorator to come quote on Sunday, had a landscape gardening company come around to sort the bombsite of a garden I now have, MOT the Audi and got it back on the road and hung a new pretty light in the new bedroom (aka old Garage!). Not bad, not bad!!

So, my reward, an impromptu trip to Bridgnorth to spend the weekend with my fabulous Lady (Katy!). The plan is to drink as much wine as possible when the children are sleeping then tire them out in awake hours by going to the Safari Park, Steam Train and fingers crossed getting Brian to teach them magic tricks in the pub!!

Roll on 5pm Friday!!

Melancholy!

Melancholy, funny word but probably about right for my mood the past few days. Its weird, I seem to have a few days that are good and then feel really really blue (melancholy!).

I get a little cross with myself for feeling that way, after all there are lots of fun things happening in the not too distant future. Richard's best man is getting married in a couple of weeks to his lovely wife Sue to complete their family, I have another friend I have known since secondary school who is also getting married shortly. One of my best friends is pregnant and due to give birth in November, and my fabulous friend Santhosh is due to become a Daddy before Christmas. So as you can see, lots of exciting times ahead. When I am feeling particularly blue about everything though I guess it reminds me how cheated I feel that Richie isn't here anymore and it feels rubbish that he is not here to celebrate these happy moments for our friends (and you all know he would have celebrated to excess!).

Anyway, not really sure what the point of this blog today is - although when Rich first got into blogging he would tell me that he had to keep updating the blog regularly in order to keep people 'interested', so apologies that this one isn't particularly interesting but without this you might all get bored with the lack of updates and stop logging on here at all!

Sam

The Adventures of Chemoman

Its been a funny couple of weeks to say the least. Very up and down emotionally, not sure why but as someone close to me said you can't plan when grief will hit you sometimes. I guess Devon felt like some sort of closure and in another way opened it all up again and as my counselor has said (yep, I'm no longer ashamed to admit I need some help coming to terms with all that has happened over the past 18 months) its still very very early days. I have recently been subjected to being made to feel guilty about my actions recently or rather lack of them, its like people expect things to be normal for me and my brain to engage on 'normal' things. It doesn't happen though, I forget a lot of important things (for example we are into July already and I have only remembered to tax my car oops!). But I have been advised by a number of people (bless them) that I need to stop taking other peoples crap on the chin and I have nothing to apologise for - after all I am grieving the loss of a wonderful man and trying to cope with that, the affect loosing him has had on our children whilst trying to crack on at work and normal family life. No easy thing I can assure you! Its not easy in a normal circumstances so add in the loss of a young father and its all rather screwed, confusing and upsetting for all three of us. I have therefore been given a fantastic set of Sammie commandments from my wonderful counselor Karen:-

1) Thou shall not be perfect, nor even try to be
2) Thou shall not try to be all things to all people
3) Thou shall leave things undone that ought to be done
4) Thou shall not spread yourself too thin
5) Thou shall learn to say 'No'
6) Thou shall schedule time for thyself and thy supportive network
7) Thou shall switch off and do nothing regularly
8) Thou shall be boring, inelegant, untidy and unattractive at times
9) Thou shall not even feel guilty
10) Especially thou shall not be thine own worst enemy, but be thy best friend

Fabulous! However, my Monica and vain tendencies will struggle with item 8 - however as I type I am wearing sloppy inelegant clothes with hair scrapped into ugly ponytail and only a scrap of mascara (no full make-up, scary!!!) plus the house looks like a Chinese laundry come child's plan den and desperately needs a hoover which is fine (actually I will get the hoover out shortly and tidy the toys once Harry is in bed, but baby steps right!!).

Anyway, the session I had with Karen today and her list of commandments have helped and I do not feel guilty about neglecting to send a birthday card here and there, and I do not feel guilty about any of my behaviour since Richard passed. My efforts have been towards looking after the children, my own sanity, raising pots loads of cash in his memory and keeping his memory and spirit alive. And if anyone takes issue with that then damn well shame on them!


So anyway after a rubbish time I felt in need of some Wildman inspiration/memories. So I have read through some old posts and had a little chuckle and a little tear all at the same time. I then came across an extract of a Chemoman story that his friend Sandra sent to me, she used the transcript whilst working with some Cuban medical students:-

One day, an innocent, happy littel cell, lets call him Joe, is happily
doing his thing. All seems well, but what Joe doesn't know is that
something has happened to his DNA.

The DNA is like a set of instructions for how to make a new copy of a
cell. They all have 'em. So, anyway, Joe doesn't know, but his DNA
has become damaged. It's like some of the instructions have been lost or
changed. Now Joe reports in for copying. This is where new copies of
him are made, based on his DNA. Blissfully aware that his DNA instructions
contain errors, he happily sets to work creating the next batch of Joe
cells. He finishes this and blammo, cancer!
Well, you see, there are certain things that make an evil, stinking cancer
cell different from an innocent, hard working, normal cell.

Firstly, they don't die when they are suppose to. They just try and
live forever. Second, they don't make a sensible number of copies of
themselves, they keep on cranking out more and more, faster and faster.
Finally, they don't stay where they are suppose to, they go and invade the homes
of other cells. Now, that is just rude.
Everything that a cell does is determined by his DNA, his instructions,
Okay? So, if Joe makes a copy of himself and the DNA is not right, then
his copy, lets call him Joe2, may not do what he is meant to. If the right
instructions are messed up, then what you have is cancer. Joe2 arrives on
the scene. Joe and the rest of his body recognise Joe2 as being one of
them, but Joe2 isn't interested in doing an honest days work and striving to
make the body a better place to love. No. He he is bad. He has
darker thoughts and goals. He wants to multiply, invade and live
forever.

Usually, Joe2 and his rapidly copied buddies keep themselves to themselves,
all hidden away, growing and copying. Smug and confident that no one knows
they're there. Every so often, one of them may leave the group and go out
to set up his own little group elsewhere, thus spreading the cancer
around. When cancer starts getting cocky and effecting the cells around
it, the bodies owner may start to notice. Sometimes it'll be a pain or a
cough that won't go or a lymph node swelling up and not going down. Cancer
always gets greedy and gives away its position.

from The Adventures of Chemoman, by Richard Wildman

He was such a fab writer, I can only imagine that he is up in heaven re-stocking the library with The Works Of A Wildman or similar - or more likely scaring them all with his panto Dame type performances!

Sammie

An emotional but wonderful trip to Devon

I am back in Maidenhead after the trip to Devon. Leaving was a really hard hard thing to do after returning to our special place and leaving Richie's ashes there. Its been a really strange few days with emotions going all over the place. Ill start with Monday.

So Monday afternoon I went with a close friend to collect Richard's ashes from the funeral home. I hadn't collected them before as for some odd reason had been too scared to. I rang the funeral home that morning to let them know I was coming. The lady on reception refers to Richard's ashes as they are actually him which I find really strange. For example when they received his ashes after his funeral they rang me to say "Richard was back with them" - I just found that bizarre. So anyway, I rang up to advise them I was coming across that afternoon and the lady tells me "That's good Ill keep Richard close by". Odd odd odd!! Anyway I picked them up and was very shocked by how heavy they were, I don't know why I expected them to be light - I guess I had not thought about that and was more worried about the emotional response to collecting his ashes rather than the physical one (if I carried him around too much I was gonna get repetitive strain injury!). After picking him up (oh man I'm at it now, but I suppose its easier to type him or Rich that Richard's ashes etc) I headed home. It felt weird bringing him home but not in a bad way, it was weirdly nice. Getting to walk around the house that he built for us and didn't get to see finished.

Dave, my part time lodger, was down that evening as was joining us in Devon. Dave and Rich had spent a lot of time together in his last few months when Dave first started staying with us. Dave "The Angel" (not a nickname I had given him btw!!) had given us a lot of practical help - doing the electrics for the extension and helping me out with runs to the hospital when I was tied up with work or the kids. But had also helped a lot emotionally as well - getting Rich tipsy on a variety of different whiskies for one and in the past six months being there for me to shout and scream at when I have bad days! Anyway, I'm digressing again, so me, Dave and Rich sat out in the garden on Monday evening having a few glasses of wine - each one toasting the big man and his wonderfulness.

I went to bed that evening with my hubby for the last time (does that make me weird?) and even though I only slept for a few hours I slept really well. I woke early the next morning and thought it was best to get up and keep myself busy by getting everything ready so I wasn't running around like a mad woman with the kids and school runs etc. But as soon as I got out of bed I had a massive emotional wave pour over me and just broke down crying. I guess when we had Richard's funeral I was in a massive bubble of shock and disbelief and it had never really sank in, but now it was and having to say Goodbye to him again was bringing all the pain and sorrow that this awful thing had happened to him back. The rest of the morning was a bit of a blur. Friends started to arrive as we were driving in transit and I dropped the kids and their stuff off with Zoe (I didn't take Bec and Harry down with me, I had sat down with Becs and explained what I was doing and that I thought it was best for her to not come this time but we would go to the spot later in the year, plus with Harry how could I explain that all was left of his beloved Daddy was a pot of ashes).

The drive down was fairly painless, bit of traffic but nothing too bad. Plus Dave had his foot down trying to catch up with Kat and Lisa who had left a little earlier than us!

We got to Preston Sands beach in Paignton a little after 11:30. Mum, Dad, Julie, Josh and Georgina where already there as they travelled down the evening before. We had to wait about an hour for Katy to catch up with us so we chilled out on the beach and had a paddle (yep it was freezing!) and kicked a football about a bit. The weather was not that great, overcast and a little bit chilly - having said that we would all run into the sea I was guessing that Richie would want to make it a proper challenge for us to prove our commitment! Once Katy arrived we moved a little closer to the shore line and stripped down to our swimwear ready to dive in! Before we ran in I played If I Ever Leave This World Alive and we all downed a shot of Tequila after toasting Richie. As we did this thankfully the sun came out, however the sea was FREEZING! But we all ran in and got right in (even Lisa and Kat who wouldn't even get in a nice swimming pool on a boiling hot day in Madrid so hats off to my girls!). For me the combination of an empty tummy mixed with Tequila and cold water created an exceedingly sick feeling, especially when I then got a mouthful of sea water - yuk! We stayed in the water swimming about and stuff for about ten minutes before getting out of the sea to dry off and head onto Berryhead.

Driving into Brixham and along the Berryhead road to the hotel was another emotional wave for me, the last time I had driven along there had been with my Dad, sisters, Bec, Harry and Katy in the back of a limo - all in our PJ's drinking Champagne and excited about getting hair and make-up done for the big day.

We parked up at the hotel and organised checking into rooms etc then sat out on the terrace and had some lunch. The views are amazing:-

We had some champagne and made more toasts to Richie. We also looked through the wedding photo album and remembered back to this time two years ago.

It was then time to climb down onto the rocks and scatter the ashes. When we got to the right spot (checking wind directions etc as didn't want any comedy ashes disasters that you see in movies, although Rich would have loved that).

I had another song played - Who Knew by Pink. As I unscrewed the lid of the ashes I felt my whole body shaking and started to have a massive panic, what if this wasn't what he wanted? I could hardly go back and collect them up again. My Mum just held me and reassured me that this was the right thing to do. So I started to pour and the tears were pouring down my face. I could hear everyone else crying too. It is hard to describe how devastating that moment was and also at the same time how lovely it was. The sun was shining and as the song finished all you could hear was the gently sounds of the sea lapping the rocks and shore line - it was a very beautiful moment. After a few minutes everyone headed back up to the hotel and left me with Mum, Dad and Julie. The four of us hugged, cried and cried a bit more. I then asked them if I could have some time on my own. As they climbed back up I climbed down a bit more and sat with my legs in the sea trying to take it all in and I just couldn't. One of my friends bought me a glass of wine down so I sat there for a while with my wine before heading back to the hotel.

Shortly after that Mum and Dad had to head home with Josh as Dad needed to be at work early the next morning. It was hard saying goodbye to them and equally hard for them to leave. Craig and Jackie also headed off as they were staying across in Torquay. The rest of us had a few more drinks on the terrace before getting dressed for dinner.

The hotel had arranged for us to use a private room for dinner so we all got dressed up in proper evening wear (Rich use to love getting his tux out!) and headed to the Library suite for our meal. More champagne and toasts to the big man. For most people it wasn't a late night - it had been a long day with lots of travelling, emotional stuff and alcohol!

Wednesday morning was awake fairly early with a slight headache and very dry mouth! So I headed down to breakfast for lots of juice and cups of tea! We didn't need to check out until 11 so I climbed back down the rocks and sat down there for about 20mins. The fresh air and sea breeze was making me feel more human! I went back to my room and had an hour snooze before getting up and showered. Those of us that didn't need to head off early met out on the terrace. I took my last climb down the rocks and checked out the rock pools!

We then headed to Torquay to have lunch in what was mine and Richie's favourite restuarant down there - its called the Pier Point and does fab pizzas and a really good home made garlic dip - yummy!

Driving away from Berryhead was awful, I really wished I had planned to stay a few days longer. But we have all agreed that we will make the same trip on the same date every year and regardless of the weather still all dive into the sea baywatch style!!

Back to BerryHead

This coming Tuesday (23rd June) would have been mine and Richie's second wedding anniversary. I have decided to use this date and the location of our wedding - BerryHead in Devon - as the place to scatter his ashes. Deciding what to do with Richie's ashes has been a major brain ache for a long time. Burying them didn't seem right at all, and neither did keeping them cooped up in an urn at home or in the garden.

So next Tuesday myself and some friends and family are off to Devon for what will be the hardest trip of my life. At the moment it feels like I have to say goodbye to him all over again.

The plan for Tuesday is that we are all going to meet on Paignton beach, have a shot of Tequila to the tune of If I Leave This World Alive and then all run (Baywatch style of course!) into the sea! We will then drive onto the Berryhead Hotel for lunch before climbing the rocks and scattering Richie into the wind and sea.

It may seem strange to do something so difficult at a place I love so much, but this place is full of happy memories for me and Richie - it was the views we fell in love with and thus why we got married there. It was the place in the world we wanted to move to when we were older, and I hope when my time comes someone takes me and scatters me there out to sea to find my Richie again.

Cyprus

I took Harry and Rebecca to Cyprus for a week last month.


I thought it was about time that I bit the bullet (so to speak) and take them on a holiday. I say bite the bullet as I guess the thought of being away with them and being the single Mum was a bit daunting.

My first mistake was booking a package deal without knowing the airline carrier - booking confirmation advised it was easyJet!! Great! I hate flying at the best of times and a budget airline did not fill me with confidence! I didn't realise that they do not provide seat allocations or anything, its basically like getting on a bus! Again not a problem unless you are flying alone with two children! Luckily as Harry is under 5 we got priority boarding and managed to get onto the plane fairly quickly so were all sat together.

The flight was quite a bit different from my previous flight to India (Emirates business class!) and I spent the first five minutes wondering where the stewardess was with my take-off Champagne! Lol!!

The flight was ok, and even Harry was fairly well behaved (despite needing to pee every ten minutes! No fear of DVT on a flight with Harry as you are constantly up and down to the loo!).

Our hotel was in Larnaca, so just a very short transfer from the airport by taxi. We had a great room on the ground floor over-looking the pool. The sun was shining so we were set for a great holiday in the sun!

The first day was spent with the children jumping in and out of the pool and eating as much ice-cream as they could! The following day, the Friday, Harry seemed a bit subdued and not quite himself. By lunchtime it became apparent that he was unwell and was complaining of ear-ache (something that fills me with dread as I have had problems with my ears from the age of 5 and therefore feel very bad for anyone with ear-ache, one of the worst places to have an ache!).

This quickly escalated and Harry was screaming as it hurt so much. I therefore arranged a taxi to take me to a local private hospital to have Harry checked over. Luckily Rebecca had made friends with two girls and their parents agreed to look after her whilst I took Harry to the hospital.

The taxi drove at crazy miles an hour, which for once I was comfortable with as Harry was so upset I wanted him to be seen as soon as possible.

We arrived at the hospital after about 15 minutes and Harry was seen immediately. A doctor came and cleaned out his ear and flushed it out - apparently there was a big build up of ear wax (yuk!). Harry was screaming the whole time and asking the doctor to stop hurting him. As a Mum having to watch on it was horrible. I think I was crying more than Harry. Once it was all done the poor little guy look very pale and scared, but was relieved to leave the hospital. We headed back to the hotel and picked-up a prescription on-route for some ear drops.

The next day Harry seemed almost back to normal and was begging to go in the pool. So we splashed around in the shallow end as I didn't want him to get water in his ears after yesterdays drama! However later that afternoon he was crying saying he was unwell again. This time I asked the hotel to call a doctor out to see him. The doctor luckily arrived very quickly and after checking Harry out confirmed that he also had an ear infection. He then kindly went out and collected anti-biotics and dropped them off at the hotel for Harry.

By the following evening the anti-biotics had kicked-in and Harry was back to his usual mad-self!

The rest of our holiday then followed quite a nice gentle routine. We would get-up in the morning and have some breakfast. Harry and Becs would then go to the hotel's kids club from 10am to 12pm. We would then play in the pool (with the majority of the hotel kids!) before having some lunch on the beach. More swimming and jumping in the pool before kids club again 4pm til 6! Kids club times where great - I would laze by the pool with my book and a glass of wine (bliss!).

The end of the holiday was a little disappointing as I would definitely miss the sun and time with Becs and Harry. However, I was looking forward to getting home and having a grown-up conversation with someone who didn't always question why I was away solo! (Oh is your husband joining you for the second week was the usual lead into people being nosey about my situation!). However all in all it was ok and definitely not scary so Harry and Bec can breath a sigh of relief as I will be taking them away again!