Monday, 30 November 2009

Chemomans Guide To Killing Cancer

I'm pretty sure Rich originally had a link on here to the Chemoman & Radman radio interview he put together, however I think the link is broken (and not being an internet/computer whizz unsure how to fix). However, \i found a copy of the document on Richie's laptop - therefore I have posted this as a blog.

This transcript was taken from Chemoman’s 2008 radio interview by Richard Wildman. Also featured, are the wise musings of Chemoman’s trusty sidekick, Radboy.

I’ve broken this long and sometimes rambling interview down into relevant sections.

RW: Hello and welcome to Chemoman and Radboy! I know you’re both really busy, out there fighting cancer, so we really appreciate you taking the time to come and talk with us.
CM: Hey, no problem.
RB: What? Oh, yeah, cool.
RW: So, Chemoman, how would you describe yourself, to someone who hasn’t heard about you and the work you do?
CM: Cancer killing superhero, I think sums me up.
RB: Yeah, me too, although I do have a more sensitive side as well. I like poetry, moonlight walks, holding hands on the beach, that kind of stuff.
RW: Right. Now, I’ve had a lot of questions in from listeners, regarding cancer. As an expert, how would you describe it?
CM: Cancer is a mutha f**ker man!
RB: Yeah, it sucks. Sucks real bad.
CM: My one aim in life is to rip every single cancer cell into gooey pieces. I mean real gooey!
RB: I like to flash roast ‘em!
RW: Not wanting to offend, but there are rumours that when you two go to work, you are sometimes a little over zealous…
CM: What do you mean?
RW: Well, there have been reports, dare I say, numerous reports, of not just cancer cells being killed, but innocent healthy cells too.
CM: Hey, if you’re making an omelette, you gotta break a few eggs!
RB: Yeah, eggs.
RW: That’s hardly reassuring…
CM: Listen man! (stands up) My job is to ice cancer! To save lives! (bangs oversized fist on table) Every last one of those squirmy little mutha’s has got to be wasted. Sometimes an innocent cell or two gets caught in the crossfire, boo hoo. Hey, I don’t always have time to check if its cancer or not, I sometimes get one shot at ‘em before they sneak away. I ain’t taking no chances. (bangs fist on table again) Shoot first, ask questions and send letters of condolence later! There’s lives at stake!
RB: Yeah, lives! Zap first, say sorry later.
RW: And what about you, Radboy? How do you respond to the allegations that innocent cells that stray too close to you when you’re using your rad blast, can turn into cancer themselves, sometimes many years later?
RB: Erm
CM: Let me field this one. Things have changed a lot over the years. When we were just starting out, there was a little over zealous deployment of fire power and yes, sometimes, years later cells could mutate, but with experience and maturity, we’ve adapted our techniques and that sort of thing doesn’t happen as quite as often.
RW: But it still happens sometimes?
CM: Thems the breaks. Would you rather be dead?
RW: Fair point.
CM: Look, we try to cause as little collateral damage as possible. I mean, we’re always reviewing and discussing our tactics, weapon deployment and strategies and as long as the primary goal of cancer slaughter is served then secondary concerns, for example trying not to hose too many innocent cells, are worked on.
RB: Erm, can I add something?
RW: Sure.
RB: Can I just say, that all those rumours implying that Chemoman and me are lovers, they’re just, like, so untrue, you know?
RW: Sorry?
RB: I mean, there was this one time… but we were both really drunk and…
CM: Thank you, Radboy! Next question please!

What is Cancer
RW: I have a question here from one of our listeners, Jimmy in Maidstone. He writes, “Dear Chemoman, I love your work, but I’m not sure I really understand what cancer is. Can you help?”
CM: Sure thing, Jimmy. Cancer is a filthy, snivelling, cowardly low life. Its an abomination and has no right to live on this sweet planet. Let me tell you a story. One day, an innocent, happy little cell, lets call him Joe, is happily doing his thing. All seems well, but what Joe doesn’t know is that something has happened to his DNA.
RW: What’s DNA?
CM: It’s like a set of instructions for how to make a new copy of a cell. They all have ‘em. So, anyway, Joe doesn’t know, but his DNA has become damaged. It’s like, some of the instructions have been lost or changed. Now, Joe reports in for copying. This is where new copies of him are made, based on his DNA. Blissfully unaware that his DNA instructions contain errors, he happily sets to work creating the next batch of Joe cells. He finishes this and blammo, cancer!
RW: Sorry, I don’t quite follow. How did we get from copying to cancer?
CM: Oh man! Okay, you see, Joe, the cell, has mistakes in his DNA, you follow me?
RW: Yes, I get that.
CM: Right, now he uses the DNA to make a copy. Still with me?
RW: Yes, of course. It was from copy to blammo that lost me.
CM: Right, okay. Well, you see, there are certain things that make an evil, stinking cancer cell different from an innocent, hard working, lovely normal cell.
RW: Like?
CM: Well, firstly, they don’t die when they’re supposed to. They just try and live forever. Second, they don’t make a sensible number of copies of themselves, they keep on cranking out more and more, faster and faster. Finally, they don’t stay where they are supposed to, they go off elsewhere and invade the homes of other cells. Now, that is just rude.
RW: Okay, so cancer cells are different. I get that, but I still don’t get the blammo part.
CM: I’ll go through this real slow for you. Damn it, even Rad boy gets this!
RB: Hmmm?
CM: Everything that a cell does is determined by his DNA, his instructions, okay? So, if Joe makes a copy of himself and the DNA is not right, then his copy, lets call him Joe2, may not do what he is meant to. If the right instructions are messed up, then what you have is cancer. Joe2 arrives on the scene. Joe and the rest of the body recognise Joe2 as being one of them, but Joe2 isn’t interested in doing an honest days work and striving to make the body a better place to live. No. He is bad. He has darker thoughts and goals. He wants to multiply, invade and live forever.
RW: That’s where you come in?
CM: If that was the case, life would be so much simpler. Usually, Joe2 and his rapidly copied buddies keep themselves to themselves, all hidden away, growing and copying. Smug and confident that no one knows they’re there. Every so often, one of them may leave the group and go out to set up his own little group elsewhere, thus spreading the cancer around.

When does Chemoman intervene?
RW: So, when do you usually get called in?
CM: When cancer starts getting cocky and effecting the cells around it, the bodies owner may start to notice. Sometimes it’ll be a pain or a cough that won’t go or a lymph node swelling up and not going down. Cancer always gets greedy and gives its position away. When it is found, usually after a number of tests, then its chemo-time and I’m sent in.
RW: What preparations do you take, before a mission?
CM: Firstly, I determine what I’m up against. You see, depending on the original cell that the cancer was created from, I may need to take a different set of weaponry or use different tactics.
RB: Or I might be sent in.
CM: Yes, sometimes Rad boy and I work together and sometimes separately. Usually, if the infestation is small and localised, they’ll probably send in Rad, or if I’ve kicked seven bales out of it and there’s just a bit left then Rad may go in and finish the job.
RW: So, he gets all the easy work?
CM: Pretty much.
RB: Hey! It’s not easy, man! I work hard. I’m a professional!
CM: Yeah, whatever. Anyway, when I was just starting out, I might have just relied on a single weapon, but I’ve found that cancer is a slippery devil and it doesn’t hurt to hit it with different weapons in different ways. Keep it confused and don’t give it a chance to adapt.
RW: It adapts?
CM: It tries to. That’s why, if I nearly wipe it out, but some sneaky suckers survive, when we next meet, they may very well have counter tactics to some of my attacks. I guess it’s that which keeps the game interesting.
RB: I like games.
RW: I’m always researching new ways to hit it. I mean, quite recently, I was able to add the MAB gun to my arsenal.
RB: I also like rainbows, ducks and those days when it’s a bit chilly but still sunny. Oh, I also like plums.

RW: What’s the MAB gun?
CM: MABs are monoclonal anti-bodies. They’re kind of like Y shaped self guiding micro missiles, that find and then stick onto certain cancers, lighting them up as easier targets for my bigger guns and the bodies own immune army.
RB: I don’t like swans. Their necks are too long. Makes them look suspicious.
CM: MABs are still pretty new stuff and the current designs are limited to what cancers they’ll lock on to, but we’re developing better ones all the time.

The document stopped there, I guess we have to move onto our next chapter for Wildo to tell us the rest.