Some Musings From Mr Wildman

Yesterday I was packing up some more of Richard's things, putting stuff into boxes and transferring to the loft (that boy was quite the hoarder!!).

Anyway I found an old notepad of his which had some interesting thoughts he had written down so thought I would share it with you all......

All behaviour is belief driven.

The most powerful beliefs are those you have about who you are - your identity.

The strongest force in the human personality is the need to remain consistent with the identity we hold for ourselves.

What stops us is fear, what frees us is courage.

What shapes the decision is the state you are in.

The quality of my life is the quality of my communication.

Nothing in life has any meaning except the meaning I give it.

All truth goes through 3 stages:-
First, it is ridiculed
Second, it is violently opposed
Finally, it is accepted as self-evident
--German Philosopher Arthur Schopenhaurer--

"We are what we think
All that we are arises
With our thoughts.
With our thoughts
We make our world"
The Buddha

That was all I found, but thought it was interesting to read.

Sam

Running into Brick Walls

So I have recently swapped gyms, ended my monthly direct debit for an expensive local gym and joined a work subsidised gym that is located in my office in Bracknell. With the money that I am saving by doing this I have started having a weekly personal training session to increase my fitness. The guy is really good and pushes me really hard to push myself that little bit harder than you would if left to your own devises.


Anyway, on Friday I had the day off work to attend one of my school friends weddings. The wedding kicked-off at 12:30 so I dropped Harry off with the childminder and decided to go for a run. Originally I was planning on running along the Thames path, but on-route decided to stop and run up the bridle path towards Cookham. I got out the car, warmed up a bit and then commenced the run.

When I run I plug my Ipod into my ears, turn the volume up loud then head down and crack on. So anyway, I'm running up the bridle path not taking much attention to anything except keeping one foot in front of the other when I suddenly realise I am in familiar territory. So I stop, catch my breath and take in my surroundings. Then the brick wall smashes into my face, I've basically stopped at the back of where Rich use to live when we first for together - I don't know why I didnt realise it when I started running. Anyway, for some reason I initially had a slight freak out and got a little upset. A lot of stuff went down in that place - so many memories, especially from the exciting phase of our relationship when we were first getting to know each other.



So, I was talking about it with a close friend this evening and he said that I should put some of those memories into this blog - as hey thats what this is suppose to be about now, keeping Rich as alive as possible through memories.

I remember the first time I went into Richard's house, he invited me in for a cup of tea after a drink in the local pub with the cast of a play we were doing with the local drama group. I accepted, on stepping inside he advised that he actually had no milk and no tea bags for that matter either! Glass of water it was then! The house was so the ultimate bachelor pad - pretty dirty and with crap all over the place but had a decent TV with a load of gaming consoles attached to it! The first time I ever stayed over for the night I cleaned the bathroom before having a shower - it was that bad!!!

After we had been going out together for about 6 months Rich invited me over for dinner - I remember being a little concerned at what festering food he was going to serve from his fridge (which mostly just housed cans of Fosters!!), and also wondered how we would manage to eat given the piles of books/letters/washing etc that housed the sofa and dining room table! So imagine my surprise when Richard opened the door dressed in his Tuxedo and handed me a glass of Champagne. He had cleaned the house from top to bottom and made the dining room table look all pretty (well pretty as in boy standards (clean cutlery, crisp white napkin and some candles)), he had also made a menu card for the meal he had made for us that evening - all Mexican food yum! I still have the Menu kept for sentimental reasons.

He could be a bit of an old romantic when he wanted to - and not just in the sending flowers way but with the small little things that are thoughtful and lovely. When we went on holiday to Cyprus a few years ago the day before we flew I took the day off to get my nails done etc and have a little pampering. He met me outside the spa when my treatments had finished with a blanket, some wine and some fruit. We went and sat in the park and chilled out in the sun before picking Rebecca up from school - was really nice. He wasn't always like that - a reminder to my very unromantic marriage proposal (!) - but sometimes he would surprise and do something really touching.

Anyway, I seem to have these 'brick wall' moments more regularly now. Perhaps that comes with the realisation that he has really gone, now some of the shock and numbness of the first part of the year has subsised. They are hard to describe, usually when you least expect it - perhaps running around the house messing about with the children and stumbling on something of his or driving somewhere and going past a familiar place - silly things that spark memories etc. I guess that will be something I need to get use to and in a way thankful that there are memories there to be sparked.

Stormtroppers Arrest The Groom!

So the wedding was amazing. The Groom looked very handsome and the bride looked absolutely stunning. Plus the sun shone all day for the celebrations putting the icing on the cake.

Myself and Katy started the morning with a wonderfully leisurely breakfast - a very rare thing for me! Breakfast usually last about the time it takes for Harry to eat his cereal before he zooms off to do something else. Therefore to sit and spend timeover breakfast, read the paper and drink lots of cups of tea was pure bliss!!

After breakfast we began to get ourselves ready for the wedding and then headed off to the Church (fyi driving a TT in heels is a challenge!). We parked the car up and headed into the church. As we walked up the driveway of the Church (is that the correct term? Do churches have driveways? Anyway you get what I mean) 3 stormtroopers walked passed us! We had no idea that there were part of the wedding, we just presumed there was a random fancy dress party happening that afternoon!

We headed into the church and after I was given a brief overview of what I needed to do for my reading by the Vicar we sat down and waited for the bride to arrive.

Sue arrived looking absolutely beautiful and as she walked up the aisle towards Steve it dawned on me that this was the first wedding I had been too since Richie had passed away and I was suddenly very emotional (mixed in with some nerves re standing up to do the reading!)

The reading I had to do was The Lorax by Dr Suess:-

And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
Was a small pile of rocks, with the one word ....

"UNLESS"

Whatever that meant, well, I just couldn't guess.

That was long, long ago.

But each day since that day

I've sat here and worried

and worried away.

Through the years, while my buildings

have fallen apart,

I've worried about it

with all my heart.

"But now," says the Once-ler,

"Now that you're here,

the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear.

UNLESS someone like you

cares a whole awful lot,

nothing is going to get better

It's not.

Plant a new tree. Treat it with care.

Give it clean water. And feed it fresh air.

Grow a forest. Protect it from axes that hack.

Then the Lorax

and all of his friends may come back."

After the service we stood outside and lots of photographs were taken, which is where is became clear the the stormtroopers were associated with the wedding and not just some random dress-up people stalking through the churchyard. Sue had hired the stormtroopers to 'arrest' Steve and accompany him to the church - brilliant!

Steve, Sue, Jack and the Stormtroopers:-

Myself and Katy had to leave the church a little earlier than everyone else as Katy needed a wee and needed one immediately!! I drove to a pub up the road as apparently she wasn't going to make it back to the hotel! However the pub was closed so she had no choice but to hold and run as fast as she could when we got to the hotel! Was very amusing site, a wedding guest tottering as fast as she could in her heels and pretty wedding outfit to the loo!! Hehehe!

Having some pre-dinner drinks sat outside in the sun was lovely, it was a glorious day and there was definitely a little sunburn being created as we had all been fooled into thinking the weather would be rubbish after the previous days continual downpours.

The wedding breakfast was delicious, fantastic food and lovely wine meant we were all a little tipsy!! The speeches were great, albeit Steve's very emotional especially when talking around absent friends. I had a major 'wobble' at this point and had to go release some tears up in my room. Once composed I re-joined the wedding party. The rest of the afternoon/early evening was spent drinking wine and chatting outside on the terrace before the disco started. Then it was boogying all the way!

The following day I had a very sore head, very sore feet and woke-up still in my dress - the cocktail confirming a fabulous day and evening was had the day before.

I would like to wish Steve and Sue every happiness for their marriage and life together. It was a fantastic day guys and I would like to say a big Thank-You for inviting me to celebrate it with you.

Sammie x

Steve & Sue's Wedding

Yesterday I travelled up to Lancashire to begin the celebrations for the wedding of Richie's best man Steve and his lovely lady Sue. A long journey on the first Friday after the schools break up is not fun! I decided to drive up in Richie's TT, seemed like I was bringing a bit of his spirit with me, which I certainly did in Road Rage! Don't get me wrong I'm usually fairly placid when behind the wheel of a car, but after 8 hrs of driving to do a journey which should have taken half that time I was a little tetchy! And why do people HOG the middle land ARGH (ok perhaps still not quite over that!).

Anyway, 1 Audi, 2 ladies, at least 4 motorways with at least 6 accidents (not us luckily, although Katy was close to having her own 'accident' when needing a wee and stuck in a jam 17 miles from services, she is going to kill me for writing that hehehehe!) bam we arrive in Lancashire - although I was nearly 2 hours late for the rehearsal at the Church. It seems a lot of people where in the same situation so I was kindly forgiven by a very calm Mr & Mrs to be (considering it was the eve of their big day) and invited to join them at Sue's parents for a BBQ.

After the BBQ we checked into the hotel, which is also the location of the Wedding reception - a fantastic pub/hotel with the most amazing views. It almost feels like we are out on the moors, very romantic location for a wedding reception - and stupidly I have forgotten my camera so cannot post a picture of the view at this time but will get Katy to do this for me and add later..... oh hang on can use my camera phone silly me!! Here goes:-

As you can see fabulous views, anyway feel like I am rambling again! So a couple of glasses of wine in the bar then we hit our beds. Which leads straight to me tapping away at this post.

I guess today has bought me back to my own wedding day. I remember waking up early and having a massive walk with my Dad through Dartmouth. He didn't do a typical 'Dad wedding chat', we just talked about loads of stuff - just general day to day stuff and it was really special. We walked down this massive hill into the Marina and I said to Dad lets go get a cup of tea - great idea he said but I have no money. D'oh neither did I!! So we had to hike back up this hill to the house and were 2 very dehydrated people when we got back!

We then had a limo ride to Berryhead which took about an hour as they couldn't use the ferry. Me, Dad and the bridesmaids sat in the limo in our PJ's (except for Dad who stuck with Jeans and a Tee) drinking Champagne. I was a mix of nerves and excitement, but it felt great. I remember getting this really lovely text from Rich saying how calm he was feeling (which was not how I expected him to be at all - to quote the tv series friends and I am sure a lot of his mates would agree - he was not likely to take a wife!! The eternal bachelor!) and how much he was looking forward to making me his Mrs Wildman - Rich could be the most soppy person I knew at times, it was great. Perhaps I should blog some of those memories? I always have this fear of forgetting those moments without him here to remind me. Anyway rambling again!

So when we arrived at the Berryhead Rich had to take over with Harry and we took over the room to get ready. Immediately I realised why Rich was so calm, our room was so peaceful and all you could see and here was the sea - bliss! I think it was only when I left the room all dressed up in my lovely gown and sparkly Gina shoes that my legs began to wobble and the nerves hit me. I think my Dad could probably feel me shaking as he took my arm to walk me down the aisle. Once standing by Rich though and seeing tears in his eyes the nerves went and I just giggled at how my big strong man was being more girly than me!

So I guess today is going to be great fun but also a little emotional especially as the tears are forming just writing this blog and facing into the memories with the fact that he is not here anymore.

But the most important thing to say is Congratulations to Steve & Sue and I really hope you love this day as much as I loved the day I married my Racoon.

Sammie x

A Bit Of Lady Love Heading My Way!

So after a bit of melancholy, I decided to get my ass back into gear and focus on some of the stuff that (still!!!) needs doing to the house etc!

So as well as a very busy week this week at work (got given another team to manage last week so currently frantically trying to do 121s etc), I have also (with the help of trusty Dave Angel!) hung some ace wedding photos around the house, made the conservatory a little more homely, booked a plasterer to skim my bedroom ceiling tomorrow and a decorator to come quote on Sunday, had a landscape gardening company come around to sort the bombsite of a garden I now have, MOT the Audi and got it back on the road and hung a new pretty light in the new bedroom (aka old Garage!). Not bad, not bad!!

So, my reward, an impromptu trip to Bridgnorth to spend the weekend with my fabulous Lady (Katy!). The plan is to drink as much wine as possible when the children are sleeping then tire them out in awake hours by going to the Safari Park, Steam Train and fingers crossed getting Brian to teach them magic tricks in the pub!!

Roll on 5pm Friday!!

Melancholy!

Melancholy, funny word but probably about right for my mood the past few days. Its weird, I seem to have a few days that are good and then feel really really blue (melancholy!).

I get a little cross with myself for feeling that way, after all there are lots of fun things happening in the not too distant future. Richard's best man is getting married in a couple of weeks to his lovely wife Sue to complete their family, I have another friend I have known since secondary school who is also getting married shortly. One of my best friends is pregnant and due to give birth in November, and my fabulous friend Santhosh is due to become a Daddy before Christmas. So as you can see, lots of exciting times ahead. When I am feeling particularly blue about everything though I guess it reminds me how cheated I feel that Richie isn't here anymore and it feels rubbish that he is not here to celebrate these happy moments for our friends (and you all know he would have celebrated to excess!).

Anyway, not really sure what the point of this blog today is - although when Rich first got into blogging he would tell me that he had to keep updating the blog regularly in order to keep people 'interested', so apologies that this one isn't particularly interesting but without this you might all get bored with the lack of updates and stop logging on here at all!

Sam

The Adventures of Chemoman

Its been a funny couple of weeks to say the least. Very up and down emotionally, not sure why but as someone close to me said you can't plan when grief will hit you sometimes. I guess Devon felt like some sort of closure and in another way opened it all up again and as my counselor has said (yep, I'm no longer ashamed to admit I need some help coming to terms with all that has happened over the past 18 months) its still very very early days. I have recently been subjected to being made to feel guilty about my actions recently or rather lack of them, its like people expect things to be normal for me and my brain to engage on 'normal' things. It doesn't happen though, I forget a lot of important things (for example we are into July already and I have only remembered to tax my car oops!). But I have been advised by a number of people (bless them) that I need to stop taking other peoples crap on the chin and I have nothing to apologise for - after all I am grieving the loss of a wonderful man and trying to cope with that, the affect loosing him has had on our children whilst trying to crack on at work and normal family life. No easy thing I can assure you! Its not easy in a normal circumstances so add in the loss of a young father and its all rather screwed, confusing and upsetting for all three of us. I have therefore been given a fantastic set of Sammie commandments from my wonderful counselor Karen:-

1) Thou shall not be perfect, nor even try to be
2) Thou shall not try to be all things to all people
3) Thou shall leave things undone that ought to be done
4) Thou shall not spread yourself too thin
5) Thou shall learn to say 'No'
6) Thou shall schedule time for thyself and thy supportive network
7) Thou shall switch off and do nothing regularly
8) Thou shall be boring, inelegant, untidy and unattractive at times
9) Thou shall not even feel guilty
10) Especially thou shall not be thine own worst enemy, but be thy best friend

Fabulous! However, my Monica and vain tendencies will struggle with item 8 - however as I type I am wearing sloppy inelegant clothes with hair scrapped into ugly ponytail and only a scrap of mascara (no full make-up, scary!!!) plus the house looks like a Chinese laundry come child's plan den and desperately needs a hoover which is fine (actually I will get the hoover out shortly and tidy the toys once Harry is in bed, but baby steps right!!).

Anyway, the session I had with Karen today and her list of commandments have helped and I do not feel guilty about neglecting to send a birthday card here and there, and I do not feel guilty about any of my behaviour since Richard passed. My efforts have been towards looking after the children, my own sanity, raising pots loads of cash in his memory and keeping his memory and spirit alive. And if anyone takes issue with that then damn well shame on them!


So anyway after a rubbish time I felt in need of some Wildman inspiration/memories. So I have read through some old posts and had a little chuckle and a little tear all at the same time. I then came across an extract of a Chemoman story that his friend Sandra sent to me, she used the transcript whilst working with some Cuban medical students:-

One day, an innocent, happy littel cell, lets call him Joe, is happily
doing his thing. All seems well, but what Joe doesn't know is that
something has happened to his DNA.

The DNA is like a set of instructions for how to make a new copy of a
cell. They all have 'em. So, anyway, Joe doesn't know, but his DNA
has become damaged. It's like some of the instructions have been lost or
changed. Now Joe reports in for copying. This is where new copies of
him are made, based on his DNA. Blissfully aware that his DNA instructions
contain errors, he happily sets to work creating the next batch of Joe
cells. He finishes this and blammo, cancer!
Well, you see, there are certain things that make an evil, stinking cancer
cell different from an innocent, hard working, normal cell.

Firstly, they don't die when they are suppose to. They just try and
live forever. Second, they don't make a sensible number of copies of
themselves, they keep on cranking out more and more, faster and faster.
Finally, they don't stay where they are suppose to, they go and invade the homes
of other cells. Now, that is just rude.
Everything that a cell does is determined by his DNA, his instructions,
Okay? So, if Joe makes a copy of himself and the DNA is not right, then
his copy, lets call him Joe2, may not do what he is meant to. If the right
instructions are messed up, then what you have is cancer. Joe2 arrives on
the scene. Joe and the rest of his body recognise Joe2 as being one of
them, but Joe2 isn't interested in doing an honest days work and striving to
make the body a better place to love. No. He he is bad. He has
darker thoughts and goals. He wants to multiply, invade and live
forever.

Usually, Joe2 and his rapidly copied buddies keep themselves to themselves,
all hidden away, growing and copying. Smug and confident that no one knows
they're there. Every so often, one of them may leave the group and go out
to set up his own little group elsewhere, thus spreading the cancer
around. When cancer starts getting cocky and effecting the cells around
it, the bodies owner may start to notice. Sometimes it'll be a pain or a
cough that won't go or a lymph node swelling up and not going down. Cancer
always gets greedy and gives away its position.

from The Adventures of Chemoman, by Richard Wildman

He was such a fab writer, I can only imagine that he is up in heaven re-stocking the library with The Works Of A Wildman or similar - or more likely scaring them all with his panto Dame type performances!

Sammie