Mr Baldy's Lymphoma Fun!

Happy Fathers Day - From Harry

2011-06-19T05:41:00.000-07:00

A fathers day message from Harry, written as directed from your little man:-

I miss you Daddy really lots. I wish you didn't die so you can cuddle me and kiss me loads and loads and loads. For fathers day I would like to get you loads and loads of beer!
Happy fathers day love from Harry
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Teenage Drama!

2011-06-15T05:08:00.000-07:00

Rebecca turned 13 last Friday! 13!!! I am the mother of a teenager - eeek! This prompted my forgetful brain to do a reflection on birthdays gone by with our beloved Daddy Richie:-

Age 4 2002
Becca’s fourth birthday party was a traditional at home party with a bouncy castle in the garden (albeit in my Mum & Dad’s garden as mine was resembling a jungle at the time!). This was only a short period of time after Becca had met Rich with her introductory kick on his shins (mentioned on previous blog posts!). Egg sandwiches, party games, bouncy castle and obligatory party bags for all the mini-guests! Once all the children had left and Becca was tucked up in bed, myself, Katy and Richie tucked into some Smirnoff Ice (classy!) and took over the bouncy castle! Luckily breaking no limbs in the process.
We also took Becca out the following day for an additional birthday treat for a trip to Legoland. At this point Becca still had a very much love/hate relationship going on with Richie – jealous of anyone taking her Mum’s attention! We had a nice day at Legoland up to the point of exiting the amusement park. Anyone who has been knows that there is a fairly steep climb to reach the entrance and out into the car park. Richie therefore took the helm pushing the buggy much to Becca’s disgust. Who shared her distaste by screaming and putting her feet to the floor to make pushing her as difficult as possible. With grim determination Richie would not be beaten, and gritted his teeth, laid the buggy backwards and carried on pushing! Slightly stressful experience at the time but no doubt highly amusing to all the passers-by!

Age 5 2003
For Rebecca’s 5th birthday we decided that as a grown-up school girl she could invite her entire class to a party at our local village hall, and we hired an entertainer to look after them all – sounds easy! Add in a few ham/jam sandwiches, crisps and some cakes to sugar up the kids! The party was a roaring success aside from one of her little friends complaining about the ‘cheap’ ham I had put in the sandwiches – who knew that 5 year olds could be so precious about a slice of ham!

Age 6 2004
Rebecca’s last birthday as an only child J
We had moved to Maidenhead at this point so we felt it was important to do an invite the entire class again! This time we made it easier on ourselves and booked Cheeky Charlies and associated catering so it was easy peasy!
Worst part was burning my elbow on the slide on the way down and the majority of the kids freaking out when ‘Cheeky Charlie’ (Large yellow and green dinosaur!) comes to say Happy Birthday!

Age 7 2005

With a small infant in toe you would think we would go for an easier option again, but no alas not! We booked the local church hall and a DJ for a fancy-dress disco! Myself, Katy and Richie frantically making sandwiches to cater for the masses and my bright idea for cutting the sandwiches into animal shapes was very much being frowned on by us all mid way through the catering process!
Bex was dressed-up as Cinderella and Harry a frog! We have lots of video footage from the day which Harry loves watching – especially seeing his Dad and hearing his voice.
I very much remember at this party beginning to panic about Harry growing up as we watched the 7 year old boys have ‘play’ fights with lightsabres and swords etc!

Age 8 2006

Back to good old Bouncy Castle in the garden. School friends invited over and we had to extend the time they could stay so we didn't clash drop offs or pick-ups with the England game that was playing that day! It meant we had a house of 8 year olds for 4 hours!!!!

Age 9 2007
Argh memory blank on this one (I told you I had the memory of a sieve!). When it comes back to me I will add on the detail. I know that we were pretty tight for cash as it was less than 2 weeks to our wedding date so there was definitely no party but I cannot remember how we celebrated.

Age 10 2008
How one year can make a massive difference on your life. Rewind one year and not only were we celebrating Becca turning 8 but me and Richie were very excited about our upcoming wedding celebrations and honeymoon in Thailand, and now we were faced with cancer.
We planned Becca’s birthday celebration around Richie’s chemo regime and hoped that he would be strong enough to celebrate with us. We booked a day at Thorpe Park with Becca’s extended family and her cousins. Unfortunately Richie never made it as his treatment had made him weak and unwell so we had to go without him. Myself, Harry and Becca met with her Dad and his family at Thorpe Park. We had a great day, although Richie was sorely missed – especially as we loved going to theme parks together and have lots of happy memories of our numerous theme park outings.

Age 11 2009
The first without Richie, just 6 months after he passed away. It all seems like a long time ago, and not the situation we had envisaged the year before. This year Rebecca had a party at Spa Kool a local spa salon. Her and 5 friends made bubble bath, soap, had their nails done and glittery temporary tatoo's (which were pretty cool and secretly I wanted one too!)

Age 12 2010
Pink ugg boots was the theme of this particular birthday! The much wanted boots went down a treat when they were unwrapped! We celebrated with dinner at TGI Friday's with all of the family. Rebecca has 9 cousins - all boys - so it was an extremely noisy affair!

Age 13 2011
And now she's a teenager argh! Birthday celebrations covered a plethora of things, sleepover, dinner out, BBQ, hottub with her friends and then Chessington World of Adventures. Needless to say that we were exhausted by the end of it!

Rebecca with her Daddy Richie:-

Harry

2011-03-28T09:11:00.000-07:00

In one weeks time Harry turns 6! Time goes so fast, I can remember the look of shock when Richard realised he was to become a Daddy!

This has also made me realise that my memory is at times shocking, therefore thought it was important to reflect back on Harry's birthdays gone by as when we get to next week he will have only shared half of them with his beloved Daddy.

4th April 2005 - Harry was born a few minutes before midnight, so only just managed to grab the easy to remember 04/04 birth date! We both cried the moment we first saw our little 'peanut'. Richie also cried in relief a few days later that I was no longer pregnant - apparently I was a bit of a hormonal nightmare but surely this isn't true ;)

4th April 2006 - Harry's 1st birthday was celebrated with a boozy BBQ in the back garden. Perhaps not the theme that Harry would have wanted but he had lots of cuddles and fuss so pretty sure he didn't mind too much! Our friend Gary made Jamie Oliver burgers on the BBQ which were lush, although Richie couldn't appreciate their quality being a devout veggie :)

4th April 2007 - We had a chilled day swimming and playing in the park, followed by a family tea in the evening. In general fairly low-key but just 2 months away from our wedding we were rather skint!

4th April 2008 - The last with his Daddy. We spent the day at Chessington World of Adventures. Harry had a blast, particularly on the Jumbo's with his Dad

2009 and 2010 birthdays were both tainted with the sadness that Richie was not there to see Harry grow (and get more boisterous!) something that Richie himself reflected on in earlier blog posts before he passed away. Next week I am sure will be the same but we will be keeping busy with a bouncy themed party on Saturday and family dinner on the Monday with our new unique little family.

Positive Attitude

2011-03-21T10:40:00.000-07:00

This blog post comes from Tim Elliot. Tim emailed me a week ago to see if he could write a 'guest blog' for Richie's site. Tim is very passionate about maximising cancer patient's mental and physical health, and how best to cope with terminal illness. I'm sure Richie would be well impressed to know people want to guest write on his site. Anyway, here goes.........

Can Cheering Up Help Your Body Cope With Cancer?
Scientists studying the new field of physchoneuroimmunology, which involves examining the nervous and immune systems interactions, have discovered that the advice “just stay positive” positive might actually have a physical basis in helping the body cope with cancer. New studies show that the power of positive thinking might actually help to increase cancer patients’ chances of survival because positive emotional experiences can actually often boost the body’s immune system.
Although the link between positive thinking and cancer treatment is still under consideration and further study, what is certain is that there is a direct, harmful connection between stress and cancer. Chemicals that are produced in significant amounts when you are stressed, such as cortisol and norepinephrine, are proven to have an effect on tumor growth. Norepinephrine in particular, has been proven to induce cancerous tumor cell growth in mice and is thought to play a role in ovarian cancer in humans. Even in cancers caused by environmental toxins, such as mesothelioma, and genetic factors, such as breast cancer, there are thought to benefits to staying positive that are attributed to the interplay between the improved mental and emotional condition of patients and their immune systems. For example, the average mesothelioma life expectancy is only a little over a year- but it’s believed that a positive outlook can extend it by up to several months.
Of course, it can be extremely difficult to stay positive when coping with cancer. With the increase in knowledge on how positivity can affect the outlook of cancer, more doctors have begun suggesting more measures aimed at boosting emotional and mental health. More and more often doctors have begun to suggest cancer patients participate in support groups, and exercise regularly. Exercise directly boosts people’s mood by stimulating various chemicals in the brain, and because cancer support groups present patients with a community of others who have been in a similar situation they provide an emotional buffer. In the end though it’s important to remember that that phrase we always hear- “Just stay positive”- might have a lot more power to it than you ever thought.

Its Been A While.....

2011-03-04T07:42:00.000-08:00

Its been a very long time since I have posted an update on here and I feel very guilty about that. I've been putting myself under pressure to make sure the long awaited post was witty/clever/inspiring by having sadly not had any writing brainwaves!

Luckily for me a lovely old school friend of Richie's - Gary - has recently been in touch and sent me, Harry and Becs some fab school photos, so what a perfect way to kick off some new bloggin!

No need to ask which one 'Tall Fella' is and if you coloured his hair blonde Harry would defo be his mini-me!!

Some Sad News

2010-06-28T12:11:00.000-07:00

I received an update email from Jeff, who emailed me back in May (see previous post). Very sadly his partner Bryan passed away last week after a brave battle against NHL. It is so sad that this cruel disease has taken so many important people away from their loved ones and families, its all so very unjust. What made Bryan's story even sadder was that his body was fighting the Lymphoma as it was responding well to a new chemo regime. Sadly the chemo had eradicated his body of all strength and along with it Bryan's immune system. He caught an infection and it spread fast.

Jeff informed me that he was there holding Bryan's hand at the time of his passing, and that must be of some comfort to know that he was by his side til the end.

Rest in peace now Bryan, and no doubt you will now be supporting Jeff from the other side as he tries to stay strong without you.

God bless x

Bryan & Jeff

2010-05-20T05:49:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share with all of the blog readers an email that I recieved yesterday from a couple going through a similar experience to myself and Richie, and hope that we can all send out positive vibes for them both that the outcome of Bryan's treatment is positive.

Thank-you for the letter Jeff, it means so much to know that Richie's words can still reach out and help people.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sam,

I want to start off by saying how truly sorry I am for the loss of your Husband Richard. My Partner Bryan and I are now going thru a similar battle.

Bryan was diagnosed with NHL a few days before Christmas 2009 and is currently undergoing treatment.

Your husbands site was one of the very first blog sites I read all the way thru that dealt with NHL and the toll it takes on the person with the cancer as well as the care giver. Bryan and I are in our early40's and we are both in great health (or so we thought) Bryan's Lymphoma expressed itself in what he thought was an impacted tooth. It later turned out to be a cancerous tumor.

Bryan was a smoker (now an ex smoker) .. long story short, we are in the middle of the battle with NHL, and The blog you and your husband started and update made me start one with Bryan. The site is not nearly as well thought out as yours but we are also trying to be open and honest.

The Site is www.bryanandjeff.com . I would like to just tell you how much your site has meant to me. While I am deeply sorry for your loss I can also "see the writing on the wall" and while I hope and preyfor success in his treatment, I can not be ignorant to the possibilityof a similar outcome.

The strength both you and Richard write about and the passion you have for each other is very similar to the relationship Bryan and I share.

In closing, thank you for this site, thank you for continuing to update it and thank you for sharing the special man in your life.

Warmest Regards,
Jeff

James Adams

2010-05-14T06:21:00.000-07:00

One of the things that we are all very much aware of is how unfair life can seem at times. I have another example of this as sadly my personal trainer and friend James Adams was tragically killed in a car accident last weekend. James was just 26.I wanted to talk about James here on Richie's blog as he was instrumental in my grieving process last year and helped me out a lot.

I first met James when I joined the gym in my office at Cable&Wireless. James was the gym manager and signed me up and walked me round the equipment available in the gym. part of my initial routine in the gym was to pull the punch bag out in the studio when it was free and give it a good old whacking! I can't remember how long I had been going in, but it must have only been a few weeks in, I was in the studio and James walked in and said something like 'come on then, come and show me what you got!' He gave me a pair of gloves and he held the pads and we had a fab boxing session. I immediately signed-up for personal training!

Over the next few weeks myself and James got to know each other a bit better - he understood my fitness levels and had a regime to get me fitter which was ace. I also told James about Richie and everything that had happened. When I was having a bad day and feeling a bit emotional about everything James would happily don the pads and let me take it all out on him!

He was always encouraging me to do more with my boxing - he use to call me his little animal and pair me with guys in the boxing classes as apparently I punched too hard to be paired with a girl! He was also very proud after one of our training sessions when I left the gym with bleeding knuckles after he made me work really hard!

"Get in and get it done" was his motto and words he would shout loudly at the beginning of any session. Throughout a session he would be constantly shouting, calling me lazy as I wasn't working hard enough and adding more weight/resistance to make everything a big a challenge as possible. It sounds horrendous but mostly use to make me laugh, and there would always be lots of banter! When a session finished 9 times out of 10 I would get a text later on in the day telling me well done, good session today! I'd always say that I was saving the message to show him next time he shouted at me!

James was also always telling me off when he would catch me outside the office smoking a cigarette - and would often tell me he wasn't training me anymore if I was smoking. It took a while but I eventually gave up and have been nicotine free for aprox 2 months now. James was definitely instrumental in this as well.

I've been into the gym everyday this week and even though he's not here with us anymore I can still hear his words in my mind, telling me to push myself and work a little bit harder.

James - you were an inspiration and a legend, and I will miss you very much. Its so sad that you had to leave us so young, I guess the angels needed a work-out too. Make sure you hook up with my Wildo and teach him some new boxing moves.

James, Spencer and myself - happier times on a Xmas night out.

Sam & Ruth's Wedding

2010-04-26T05:17:00.000-07:00

On Saturday Ruth Armstrong, one of Richie's friends from University (or known via Ruth's brother John at University, one or the other anyway, my brain is never good at keeping up!) got married to her fiance Sam Mayer. I was invited to the wedding, which was lovely.

Sam and Ruth had the official ceremony in the Guildhall in Bath and then had a reception at the Limpley Stoke Hotel afterwards. Firstly they were blessed with a very beautiful and sunny day - perhaps Richie put in a good word for them to ensure the sun-shined! Secondly they were blessed with having one of the most fun weddings I have been too - lots of lovely people, fantastic food and then some cracking dancing in the evening with a Ceilidh band (hopefully I have spelt that correctly!) - oh and of course this was all mixed with a few glasses of Fizz and perhaps a few cheeky glasses of wine!

Congratulations Sam and Ruth, wishing you all the best for a happy and long future together.

An Update on Resolutions

2010-04-26T05:09:00.000-07:00

To esnure that I keep some level of focus on my resolutions, heres a sneaky update:-

* Stop smoking - its a filthy disgusting habit and will more than likely kill me if I don't - I am now cigarette free for aprox 6 weeks, so far so good!

* Run a half marathon - no times to beat yet, just dragging my ass round 13 miles will be an achievement in itself to start with! - I have started running again (much easier when not polluting my lungs with Nicotine!) however have not ventured so far as to register for a 1/2 marathon. Baby steps though!

* Visit Singapore - fingers crossed that C&W hit their targets so we get a bit of bonus which will go towards this one!

* Learn a new skill - not sure what yet but toying with Fencing - Doh no progress on this one! And still unsure what skill to delve into, maybe some kind of dancing.....

* Create a dream garden - this one is already started but needs more focus and a lot more work (and turf!) - ok so a slight improvement, but still require turf! I have had people round for quotes just need to follow this up!

* Re-ignite Summer Of BBQ's (Katy & Sarah will understand this one!)* Look after my financial welfare better (eg less shoes and more savings!) - the first BBQ was kicked off a couple of weekends ago thanks to our recent bout of glorious weather, next one is scheduled in for May!

There was also the point around saving money, but thats far to dull to mention! Especially when the sun is shining and new shoes are needed for the sunny weather hehehehe!

Psychics

2010-03-07T04:12:00.000-08:00

Richie and myself have never really shied away from sharing pretty much everything on this blog since he started it a couple of years ago (seems like a lifetime ago sometimes). Therefore I thought I should share a recent experience with a psychic I had seen.

Myself and Richie were always interested in the spirit world, never really having a firm view on whether spirits/ghosts existed but were both mutually intrigued and would fairly regular join Paranormal Tours to see if we could find any evidence. I think we went on 3 tours together and I have been on an additional one that Richie missed out on as he was on one of his NLP courses. The first one was held in the Wycombe Hell Fire Caves, where the only 'spooky' event was the Psychic lady getting freaked out by the bats flying in and out of the caves! The other events we went on all had interesting things happen/noises heard etc but nothing concrete to cement our view anywhere other than on the fence.

So, to get back to the point of this blog, a few weeks ago I had an appointment with a Psychic - Stewart Keeys. I had actually met Stewart a couple of months after me and Richie got married, he was the assigned Psychic to a Paranormal Tour investigation we had been involved in in Wokingham. Stewart was a similar age to us and had a very calming nature, and you couldn't help but warm to him. I had attempted to book an appointment with him back in October last year (around the time that it would have been Richie's birthday) but I had bottled it at the last minute and never finalised the appointment. Anyway, this time I felt ready to go and see him - when I say ready I meant that I was prepared for the eventuality that could have been him having no information/messages/history etc to link Richie to me, something I was desperate for and hadn't really appreciated that until I was driving to this mans house.

I barely slept the night before the appointment, I was nervous, and scared, and also very sceptical. But I wanted to go this time and knew that I wouldn't be backing out. I slept under Richie's coat (something I do from time to time when I want to feel him close, odd I know but its comforting at times), which helped calm me down so I managed a bit of sleep. During the journey to Stewart's house I was very emotional, struggling not to cry and my heart was beating very fast.

When I arrived Stewart was over-running with another client and I therefore had about a 5 minute wait whilst he finished up. He then came and led me into his sitting room, I sat down and we had a quick chat around the way he 'worked' and what to expect etc. He would also be recording the session so I could take away a copy on CD with me.

He could tell that I was not overly relaxed and very nervous! But immediately said that when I walked into his house I was accompanied by a female and a male spirit. The female spirit was older and stayed close to me and sat with me whilst I was waiting, but the male spirit was younger and excited! He straight away centred on the male spirit saying that he had to keep saying I love You I love You, and then described a picture of yellow roses that this 'spirit' was showing him - apparently this is in symbol of eternal love in the spirit world. I immediately cried like a baby! He went onto describe lots of things about this spirit of a young man, who had died before his time. It all felt so Richie - he described symptoms of his condition before he passed, he described the moment of his passing (apparently peaceful but full of anger that it had happened too soon (and apparently this anger dissipated very quickly and moved to peace)), he described personality, appearance, humour, our children, the situation that I was left in financially and legally - it was spooky and comforting at the same time. I will not leave any more detail here than that but for anyone close to either myself or Richie and would like to listen to this CD then you are more than welcome. But please believe me that as emotional and upsetting as this time was with Stewart, it was also wonderful and heart-warming and whether this is the kind of thing you do or dont believe, I left his sitting room feeling happier that Richie was happy, pain free and still looking out for us all with his fantastic spirit, courage, humour and love.

New Year, New Decade

2010-01-07T12:57:00.001-08:00

So 2010 is here, another new year and a new decade............. it still feels very wrong that Richie is not here with us for it.

So it seems a good time to start thinking about resolutions etc, things to do this year or decade (gives me a bit of tolerance if I slack off!). Richie always told me to write down the things I wanted to do/achieve - apparently it made them more 'doable'! So here goes:-

* Stop smoking - its a filthy disgusting habit and will more than likely kill me if I dont
* Run a half marathon - no times to beat yet, just dragging my ass round 13 miles will be an achievement in itself to start with!
* Visit Singapore
* Learn a new skill - not sure what yet but toying with Fencing
* Create a dream garden - this one is already started but needs more focus and a lot more work (and turf!)
* Re-ignite Summer Of BBQ's (Katy & Sarah will understand this one!)
* Look after my financial welfare better (eg less shoes and more savings!)

That will do for a start but I might edit/amend the list as I have more inspiration!

Although I started this blog in January its now March so its a little late to say Happy 2010 everybody but what the hell, Happy New Year anyway!

Christmas 2009

2009-12-30T11:10:00.000-08:00

Christmas 2009 was spent at Julie and Chris' new house in Devon aka The Big House! They have recently moved there - well Julie officially moved down on Xmas Eve and Chris will be there on weekends as he needs to be in the London area for his business, but needs must and all that jazz!

So anyway, Xmas 2009 was spent with the family in Devon.

Myself and Rebecca drove down Christmas Eve - Harry had gone down earlier in the week with my Mum, which had given me a few lush days of Sammie time as Rebecca had been with her Dad. Anyway this Sammie time was great as it meant that I could wrap presents in peace and not have that constant fear that one of them was going to burst in on me and cause a heap of questions as to why Santa wasn't wrapping the presents etc.

Anyway, luckily we had a seamless journey, no traffic and no need to stop - aside for a short few minutes whilst we met up at the services with my big sis to complete the final leg of the journey in convoy.

When we pulled up at the house Harry was jumping up and down like a mad thing, really excited to see us, and as much as I had enjoyed my few days of freedom (!) I had really missed him to so me and Becs rushed out of the car to give him a massive hug.

We spent the evening having some food and a few drinkies before putting two very excited boys to bed and then unloading all of the presents from the car and various places around the house Mum and Julie had stashed presents to keep them hidden from the kids. The house looked like Santa's grotto with presents everywhere!!

Christmas Day morning, and thankfully the children were not up too early, they woke around 8am and immediately delved into their Santa sacks at the end of their beds. Harry and Becs where very excited about the presents they received from 'Santa' aka me! We then dressed and had breakfast before diving into the presents under the tree.

Watching Harry open his presents caused a bit of an emotional overload for me and I got quite upset - these were the moments that Richard dreaded missing, and at that moment I missed him so much and felt so sad that he was missing this and that Harry was missing having his Dad get excited with him as he ripped open presents (especially the Lego and Transformers stuff that Rich would have probably loved more than Harry!).

My plan after presents was to take Becs and Harry down to Berryhead to go sit on the rocks and have a chat with Richie on Xmas day. So we piled into the car with Danielle and set-off. About 2 miles up the road however we got stuck!! The roads around Julie's house are very narrow country lanes and very undulating, the route we had taken meant we had to climb a steep winding road and unfortunately it was icy, and all my car wanted to do was slip back down and skid about. We therefore had to turn around (no easy accomplishment on a narrow country lane covered in ice) and head back home. We were out over an hour and had only managed a couple of miles!!! When I got back I got a big hug from my Dad and had a few tears, I felt like I was letting Richie down not getting across to Berryhead. But we decided to wait until Boxing Day and head across with Mum as well.

Christmas Day then passed in the usual format, a bucks fizz, a game of pool, loads of food, glasses of wine, loads more food etc etc! The kids had a whale of a time running around with their new toys (Harry particularly loving some Ben10 laser guns which we were all ready to throw out the window after aprox 1 hour of play!!).

Boxing Day after breakfast we headed back to Berryhead - taking a slightly longer but safer route this time. It was a beautiful sunny and crisp day so once we arrived and was beside the sea it was as breathtaking as it is in the Summer. Me, Danni, Becs and Harry climbed down to our usual spot on the rocks and had a few melancholy moments thinking about Richie before Harry got bored and began scaring us he walked along the rocks continuously getting far too close to the water! Danni therefore took the kids up to the hotel so I could have some peace and quiet and sit with my thoughts.

I often question if I did the right thing scattering Richie's ashes so far away from home, but the moment I am there and have some time to relax and think I know it was the right decision, its so peaceful, beautiful and full of our memories that it was defo the right thing to do.

Tha amazing and wonderful Richard Wildman, today we honour the time you were with us and all the magic memories x

2009-12-05T04:50:00.000-08:00

Chemomans Guide To Killing Cancer

2009-11-30T06:10:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure Rich originally had a link on here to the Chemoman & Radman radio interview he put together, however I think the link is broken (and not being an internet/computer whizz unsure how to fix). However, \i found a copy of the document on Richie's laptop - therefore I have posted this as a blog.

This transcript was taken from Chemoman’s 2008 radio interview by Richard Wildman. Also featured, are the wise musings of Chemoman’s trusty sidekick, Radboy.

I’ve broken this long and sometimes rambling interview down into relevant sections.

Introduction
RW: Hello and welcome to Chemoman and Radboy! I know you’re both really busy, out there fighting cancer, so we really appreciate you taking the time to come and talk with us.
CM: Hey, no problem.
RB: What? Oh, yeah, cool.
RW: So, Chemoman, how would you describe yourself, to someone who hasn’t heard about you and the work you do?
CM: Cancer killing superhero, I think sums me up.
RB: Yeah, me too, although I do have a more sensitive side as well. I like poetry, moonlight walks, holding hands on the beach, that kind of stuff.
RW: Right. Now, I’ve had a lot of questions in from listeners, regarding cancer. As an expert, how would you describe it?
CM: Cancer is a mutha f**ker man!
RB: Yeah, it sucks. Sucks real bad.
CM: My one aim in life is to rip every single cancer cell into gooey pieces. I mean real gooey!
RB: I like to flash roast ‘em!
RW: Not wanting to offend, but there are rumours that when you two go to work, you are sometimes a little over zealous…
CM: What do you mean?
RW: Well, there have been reports, dare I say, numerous reports, of not just cancer cells being killed, but innocent healthy cells too.
CM: Hey, if you’re making an omelette, you gotta break a few eggs!
RB: Yeah, eggs.
RW: That’s hardly reassuring…
CM: Listen man! (stands up) My job is to ice cancer! To save lives! (bangs oversized fist on table) Every last one of those squirmy little mutha’s has got to be wasted. Sometimes an innocent cell or two gets caught in the crossfire, boo hoo. Hey, I don’t always have time to check if its cancer or not, I sometimes get one shot at ‘em before they sneak away. I ain’t taking no chances. (bangs fist on table again) Shoot first, ask questions and send letters of condolence later! There’s lives at stake!
RB: Yeah, lives! Zap first, say sorry later.
RW: And what about you, Radboy? How do you respond to the allegations that innocent cells that stray too close to you when you’re using your rad blast, can turn into cancer themselves, sometimes many years later?
RB: Erm…
CM: Let me field this one. Things have changed a lot over the years. When we were just starting out, there was a little over zealous deployment of fire power and yes, sometimes, years later cells could mutate, but with experience and maturity, we’ve adapted our techniques and that sort of thing doesn’t happen as quite as often.
RW: But it still happens sometimes?
CM: Thems the breaks. Would you rather be dead?
RW: Fair point.
CM: Look, we try to cause as little collateral damage as possible. I mean, we’re always reviewing and discussing our tactics, weapon deployment and strategies and as long as the primary goal of cancer slaughter is served then secondary concerns, for example trying not to hose too many innocent cells, are worked on.
RB: Erm, can I add something?
RW: Sure.
RB: Can I just say, that all those rumours implying that Chemoman and me are lovers, they’re just, like, so untrue, you know?
RW: Sorry?
RB: I mean, there was this one time… but we were both really drunk and…
CM: Thank you, Radboy! Next question please!

What is Cancer
RW: I have a question here from one of our listeners, Jimmy in Maidstone. He writes, “Dear Chemoman, I love your work, but I’m not sure I really understand what cancer is. Can you help?”
CM: Sure thing, Jimmy. Cancer is a filthy, snivelling, cowardly low life. Its an abomination and has no right to live on this sweet planet. Let me tell you a story. One day, an innocent, happy little cell, lets call him Joe, is happily doing his thing. All seems well, but what Joe doesn’t know is that something has happened to his DNA.
RW: What’s DNA?
CM: It’s like a set of instructions for how to make a new copy of a cell. They all have ‘em. So, anyway, Joe doesn’t know, but his DNA has become damaged. It’s like, some of the instructions have been lost or changed. Now, Joe reports in for copying. This is where new copies of him are made, based on his DNA. Blissfully unaware that his DNA instructions contain errors, he happily sets to work creating the next batch of Joe cells. He finishes this and blammo, cancer!
RW: Sorry, I don’t quite follow. How did we get from copying to cancer?
CM: Oh man! Okay, you see, Joe, the cell, has mistakes in his DNA, you follow me?
RW: Yes, I get that.
CM: Right, now he uses the DNA to make a copy. Still with me?
RW: Yes, of course. It was from copy to blammo that lost me.
CM: Right, okay. Well, you see, there are certain things that make an evil, stinking cancer cell different from an innocent, hard working, lovely normal cell.
RW: Like?
CM: Well, firstly, they don’t die when they’re supposed to. They just try and live forever. Second, they don’t make a sensible number of copies of themselves, they keep on cranking out more and more, faster and faster. Finally, they don’t stay where they are supposed to, they go off elsewhere and invade the homes of other cells. Now, that is just rude.
RW: Okay, so cancer cells are different. I get that, but I still don’t get the blammo part.
CM: I’ll go through this real slow for you. Damn it, even Rad boy gets this!
RB: Hmmm?
CM: Everything that a cell does is determined by his DNA, his instructions, okay? So, if Joe makes a copy of himself and the DNA is not right, then his copy, lets call him Joe2, may not do what he is meant to. If the right instructions are messed up, then what you have is cancer. Joe2 arrives on the scene. Joe and the rest of the body recognise Joe2 as being one of them, but Joe2 isn’t interested in doing an honest days work and striving to make the body a better place to live. No. He is bad. He has darker thoughts and goals. He wants to multiply, invade and live forever.
RW: That’s where you come in?
CM: If that was the case, life would be so much simpler. Usually, Joe2 and his rapidly copied buddies keep themselves to themselves, all hidden away, growing and copying. Smug and confident that no one knows they’re there. Every so often, one of them may leave the group and go out to set up his own little group elsewhere, thus spreading the cancer around.

When does Chemoman intervene?
RW: So, when do you usually get called in?
CM: When cancer starts getting cocky and effecting the cells around it, the bodies owner may start to notice. Sometimes it’ll be a pain or a cough that won’t go or a lymph node swelling up and not going down. Cancer always gets greedy and gives its position away. When it is found, usually after a number of tests, then its chemo-time and I’m sent in.
RW: What preparations do you take, before a mission?
CM: Firstly, I determine what I’m up against. You see, depending on the original cell that the cancer was created from, I may need to take a different set of weaponry or use different tactics.
RB: Or I might be sent in.
CM: Yes, sometimes Rad boy and I work together and sometimes separately. Usually, if the infestation is small and localised, they’ll probably send in Rad, or if I’ve kicked seven bales out of it and there’s just a bit left then Rad may go in and finish the job.
RW: So, he gets all the easy work?
CM: Pretty much.
RB: Hey! It’s not easy, man! I work hard. I’m a professional!
CM: Yeah, whatever. Anyway, when I was just starting out, I might have just relied on a single weapon, but I’ve found that cancer is a slippery devil and it doesn’t hurt to hit it with different weapons in different ways. Keep it confused and don’t give it a chance to adapt.
RW: It adapts?
CM: It tries to. That’s why, if I nearly wipe it out, but some sneaky suckers survive, when we next meet, they may very well have counter tactics to some of my attacks. I guess it’s that which keeps the game interesting.
RB: I like games.
RW: I’m always researching new ways to hit it. I mean, quite recently, I was able to add the MAB gun to my arsenal.
RB: I also like rainbows, ducks and those days when it’s a bit chilly but still sunny. Oh, I also like plums.

RW: What’s the MAB gun?
CM: MABs are monoclonal anti-bodies. They’re kind of like Y shaped self guiding micro missiles, that find and then stick onto certain cancers, lighting them up as easier targets for my bigger guns and the bodies own immune army.
RB: I don’t like swans. Their necks are too long. Makes them look suspicious.
CM: MABs are still pretty new stuff and the current designs are limited to what cancers they’ll lock on to, but we’re developing better ones all the time.

The document stopped there, I guess we have to move onto our next chapter for Wildo to tell us the rest.

x

Lets Party Like Its Your Birthday!

2009-11-28T01:56:00.000-08:00

So tomorrow I turn 32 and will be my first birthday without Richie. Really strange feeling. Richie always use to make sure birthdays were lots of fun and full of surprises - with the exception of last year but we can let him off that one!

When I was 30 he took me away to Stratford for the weekend. He made up a travel itinerary pack and everything! He booked nice restaurants and booked me and Katy treatments in our hotel to ensure we had a fab weekend. In return me and Katy dragged Rich around numerous shops (!) which he managed not to complain about too much!! When I was 29 he booked a table at our favourite Mexican restaurant in Marlow for us and lots of friends and then had a limo turn up to take us all there.

One of my favourites has to be Barcelona - he booked Ryan Air flights for him, myself and Katy when they had flights for a penny deal on. We arrived in Barcelona aprox 10am and flew home the next day on a flight at around the same time! 24hrs in Barcelona! I had to get up really early on my birthday in order to get to the airport etc which I had the right hump with!!! I think, well I know, I must have been the most grumpy and ungrateful person to wake-up on their birthday. We even argued on the way to the airport I was that grumpy about it all. However, once I had chilled out (a little booze with breakfast does wonders!) the next 24hours became probably the funniest of my life! We arrived in Barcelona all a little jaded to say the least. We then had an hour coach trip into the centre of the city as the cheap tickets took us to some dodgy airport miles out of the city. So, when the coach pulled up we all toddled to the hotel and decided there and then that if we even attempt to drop our bags in the room then we will fall into bed and sleep as we were all so tired, therefore the best thing to do was just crack on with the sightseeing etc (etc probably being more accurate). We therefore walked to the first bar we happened across! A few drinks later (and a few breadsticks to soak up some of the booze!) we walked up the Ramblas to the Marina. At the Marina we managed to find ourselves in yet another drinking establishment (shocker!) where the 3 of us slowly got more and more merry! It must have been around 4 in the afternoon we decided to make tracks and headed back up the Ramblas randomly attempting to sing Happy Birthday in Spanish (Cumpleanos feliz!). Katy then decided it would be a great idea to buy 3 massive Sombreros and some disposable cameras, and once we found a shop selling them she immediately decided that she needed to put her negotiation skills into practice in order to bag a bargain! She ended up paying more than the advertised price! Bless her! After this it all pretty much becomes a blur, we find an Irish bar (why o why, wherever we go we always end up in an Irish bar!) and bump into a crowd of people also from Maidenhead who immediately become our new best friends!!!! More drinks, a few shots etc before we all crawl back to the hotel for a few hours sleep..... i will leave the story there as I wouldn't want to embarrass myself Katy or Richie by describing any other antics (just to note none of these antics were sordid in anyway!)! However the 3 of us awoke very early the next morning to catch the hour long coach trip back to the airport before catching our flight back to the UK. Once back in England the first thing we did was pull in at the nearest Burger King for some serious stodgy food and watery cokes - those where the days!!

A Year

2009-11-20T03:35:00.000-08:00

So its nearly a year since Richie left us. What a roller coaster of a year it has been as well. Grief is a difficult thing to explain and I guess one persons experience is very different from another.

In the early days numb is probably a good word to describe how I felt as well as shock, despair and a real pain that's indescribable. As well as the emotional feelings there were horrible physical symptoms too. Uncontrollable shaking at times, insomnia, being sick and a real lack of energy to want to do anything other than sleep. During this time I guess it was Becs and Harry that kept me going, they still had to be fed, washed and dressed, taken to school etc. The worst part of the early days was the fact that Christmas day was the week after the funeral. Celebrating Christmas and New Year was way down my lists of 'Things I Want To Do Today'! For the first time ever I turned into Scrooge and was bah-bloody-humbug to it all. There is still a big part of me that feels like that about this Christmas. However it was the children again that pulled me through it - they needed a good Christmas after everything that happened, so I plastered a smile on my face and we made it as special as we could.

As the new year progressed so did my fear of being on my own in the house - I have no idea where that came from but the thought of sleeping in the house without another adult was horrible. It has taken a really long time to get over that and its probably only been the past couple of months that I am back to normal on that one and can say I am 100% at ease with it. I started back at work way too quickly as well, as soon as the Xmas break was over I went back to work. At the time my head was wanting everything to get back to normal but the reality was I needed a break - the stress of Richies illness and then to them loose him so suddenly, arranging the funeral and then immediately having to cope with Christmas and New Year was way too much, but like an idiot I slammed myself straight back into work. The first week was horrible, I was on the edge of tears for most of it. Luckily I had an amazing boss who helped me out with a lot of the work I had on to take the stress out of those first few weeks back. Maybe it was good that I threw myself back into it - bringing back the normal routine for Becs and Harry etc, who knows, I guess the main thing is I'm still cracking on today!

The other change early on was my Jekyl and Hyde moments from feeling relatively normal to getting really angry - this was probably the period my friends suffered the worst! Usually after a few glasses of wine, I would find myself getting infuriated by the most ridiculous things and then just turning into a mad shouting woman. I was angry at everyone and everything. I hated the fact that peoples lives were carrying on as normal, and I struggled with peoples good news stories (engagements, births etc). However thats another phase that is thankfully long gone and these days I am back to the old Sam (hopefully a good thing, no doubt my friends will have some commentary around this!!)

I think overall we (as in me, Bec and H) are about as normal as we are ever going to get, Richie will always be part of our lives and be with us forever. There's not a day goes by where I don't think about him, mostly the good memories - the sadder ones are slowly disappearing and being superseded by the good/happy ones which is brilliant. Each day we all get a little bit stronger as well and sometimes I even think about what our future will be now he is not with us, but in a positive way and not the holy crap how do I do this without him way! Maybe that's because deep down I know he's always with us, and when he's not his positive influence certainly is.

Throughout the year there have been a number of charity type stuff myself and friends have been doing to raise funds for Lymphoma research - 10k runs, 3 peaks, Nottingham to Maidenhead bike ride. This Christmas the panto that I am involved with will be collecting money at the end of each show for Lymphoma research as well which is great. We have more events planned for next year - London to Paris bike ride and I am going to attempt my first half marathon.

The anniversary type dates are always the hardest - our wedding anniversary, Richie's birthday etc - I have always tried to make these special days where we celebrate the good times and try not to focus on how Lymphoma destroyed everything we had. Therefore December 5th this year will be about celebrating a wonderfully brave man and everything he meant to all of us - and in typical Richie style this means sinking a fair few drinks and dancing like a loon with massive grins on our faces!

I Belong In Your Arms

2009-11-17T10:05:00.000-08:00

Being the 'Monica' tidy freak I can be at times I happened across a copy of one of the poems we had read out during our wedding ceremony. I decided to add it to the blog as its beautiful and was part of a special day for me and Richie.

I belong in your arms

Finally
I have found a place
Into which
I fit
Perfectly,
Safely,
And securely with no doubts,
No fears,
No sadness, No tears.
This place is filled
With happiness and laughter,
Yet it is spacious enough
To allow me
The freedom to move around,
To live my life
And be myself.
This wonderful place,
Which I never believed
Really existed,
I have found
Finally
Inside your arms,
Inside your heart,
Inside your Love.

I guess when I look back on mine and Richard's relationship I only ever see the good stuff, and therefore this poem is a really good description of how things where for us. However, I guess it doesn't portray the parts which were not always like that! Sometimes we would argue about the most stupid things - whos turn it was to take the rubbish out, the fact that Rich would rather go our crinkled than pick up the iron, whos turn it was to drive so the other could have a drink! All the little things that sometimes niggle each other and cause silly spats (Or a Sammie Seal Strop as Richie and Katy would refer!!). I'd give anything for one of those again, just so I could have the hug when we made up. Never let the sun go down on an argument was Richie's moto, and mostly that was the case!

During his illness we rarely argued, those little things become really insignificant when dealing with cancer and the enormity of what the end picture could look like. I think this should be the way we deal with our relationships, friendships etc to create harmony all of the time! Although I guess that could get a bit boring and theres nothing better than a little spirited fight every now and then!!

Birthday at Berryhead

2009-10-31T04:08:00.000-07:00

So am back from Devon again, another nice and bittersweet trip down there.

We didn't arrive in Exeter until half midnight as I had to go to rehearsal before we set off (oh no you didn't, oh yes I did - sorry can't get out of Panto mode!!). On arrival I basically put Harry straight into bed and then we had a couple of whiskys to toast Richie on the start of his birthday.

Was up fairly early the next morning thanks to my noisy 4 year old! Got showered, packed up car again and headed for Torquay. We went for lunch in what was mine and Richie's favourite restaurant, had a quick walk around then headed to Preston Sands. So if you remember from an earlier blog Preston Sands beach was where we would take the kids on the last day of any trip down to Devon to grab an ice-cream and walk along the beach. Its also where we all had our shots of Tequila and ran 'baywatch' style into the sea before we scattered Richie's ashes back in June. Therefore we decided that despite it being October and the risk of us all catching pneumonia we would do this again (although without the Tequila this time as last time I nearly threw up in the Sea - nice!!). I don't really need to say that there were many girlish screams as the cold sea water hit our skin (mostly from Dave, me and Mum managed to brave it out haha!!). Hopefully he was looking down and pissing himself laughing at the site of us having a swim on a chilly October day!

After we had dried off and returned to a healthy pink colour (was a tad blue on exiting the sea!) we headed on to Berryhead. I can never quite describe the way I feel when we pull into the car park of the hotel - the beautiful views make you want to gasp they are so pretty, and the hotel is so chilled - especially with the sound of the sea lapping the rocks. This mixed with happy memories of our gorgeous wedding day and then the emotions of the day we scattered his ashes - an odd cocktail which I am sure you can imagine.

Anyway, I spent some time on the rocks with Harry and Mum. Sat quiet thinking about him and all the good times we had, and also sat with H and talked about Daddy. To be fair H didn't sit for long before he was running around like a mad thing, giving me and Mum a heart attack every couple of minutes when he would career too close to the edge!! However I am sure that Richie would prefer to see his boy whizzing about as usual than any other way.

That evening we all had a nice dinner together and glass of champagne to wish Richie a fabulous birthday wherever he was (Harry stuck to OJ of course!). No doubt Richie would be having a glass or two himself (Champagne not OJ of course!) at his own party in paradise.

If there was a magic way to get a birthday message to him then mine would be - Happy Birthday Richie on what would have been your 38th Birthday. Your card would no doubt have lots of references to the closeness of hitting your 40s!! We miss you more and more everyday but hope that you are watching down on us all and smiling, or even better laughing at some of the crazy ways we keep your memory alive. Lots of love today, forever and always Mantha, Becs and H xx

October

2009-10-25T14:47:00.000-07:00

So in just 3 days it would have been Richie's birthday. Lots of things going on at the moment which make me think about everything that we went through last year. I thought at the time that there would be nothing harder to deal with/go through etc, but of course there always is and facing up to the fact that the is no longer with is a million times harder.

Fortunately I have the week off work so will be able to have a relaxing week (work is currently very stressy!). I will be gymming and shopping Monday, London Tuesday, and then heading to Devon after rehearsals Tuesday evening. We will be staying at my sisters new place in Exeter Tuesday evening and then heading on to Berryhead Wednesday morning. Am very much looking forward to sitting on the rocks in our special place and having a good old chat with the big guy! Harry has not been since our wedding so will be nice to sit there with him and talk about Daddy. As I type this I still find it incredibly hard to comprehend the fact that I will never see him again, never hear that made laugh and never have one of his bear hugs. Weird and strange all at the same time, I dont think that I will ever be able to understand or come to terms with it, but I guess its something that we just have to accept and deal with.

Anyway, the point of this blog is to say Happy Birthday to the big dude and I hope that wherever he is now he's having a few TVR's and shots to celebrate the day he started his journey with us all those years ago. xx

Nottingham to Maidenhead Bike Ride

2009-10-22T05:35:00.000-07:00

Back in September two of Richie's friends completed a bike ride from Nottingham to Maidenhead in loving memory of Rich.

The journey commenced early on the morning of Saturday 12th September where the boys rode from Nottingham, via some 'Richie' landmarks such as Lady Bay School, Julian road, De Montford Uni etc onto Banbury. They stopped overnight in Banbury and then headed on to Maidenhead on Sunday 13th.

The boys rest for a well deserved pint!!

Tiredness appears to be kicking in!

Wayne and Sean arrived in Maidenhead early afternoon to a welcome committee of myself, Katy and Harry along with cups of tea and jammy cakes! Wayne with very sunburnt knees and Sean looking like he needed a well deserved beer!

Well done guys, Richie will be so proud.

If anyone would like to make a donation in support of all the hard work and efforts of Sean and Wayne then donations can be left at www.justgiving.com/mrbaldy or www.justgiving.com/chemoman

Cinderella

2009-09-28T12:44:00.000-07:00

So last week I found out the happy news that I have been cast in the Maidenhead Drama Guilds Christmas Pantomime Cinderella as Prince Charming.

Me and Rich met 8 years ago doing our first panto for this group which was also Cinderella. So feels very poignant that I will be involved in this one, and will make it a good one just for him.

The show is on 9th to the 13th December so rehearsals start in earnest this week. 3 nights a week, which is a challenge with work and Becs & Harry but I have hopefully sorted all the required babysitting to ensure I do not miss any rehearsals.

Therefore I expect to see lots of familiar faces in the audience!! So the details are below:-

Becca's First Day @ Secondary School

2009-09-03T06:36:00.001-07:00

So Bec's started at Newlands today, which as probably already said makes me feel old as well as a bit emotional!

So to embarrass her terribly I found a photo that Rich took of her at her first day at Primary school:-

So 7 years on and the picture is a lot different, but I will have to add that on in a bit as need to charge my camera and upload the photos. Simple tasks still seem like a pain in the butt somedays. However wanted to get this blog finished as have another to add and haven't done any blogging for what feels like ages.

Dropping Bec off that first morning though creating a bit of a wobble, especially not having Rich there to call me a big baby for getting all teary! All the other girls going into the school looked so grown-up! I realised that this was the start of teenage tantrums and the start of Mum just becoming an over-used cash machine!!

September!!!

2009-09-02T05:02:00.000-07:00

So after blogging re bank-holiday it turned out that we didn't make it down to Devon after all due to some legal issues my sister is experiencing with her new pad. So a weekend in Devon will be re-booked for some time this month. This month - which is September - holy crap how did that happen already! Time seems to be whizzing by at a rate of knots.

Even more scary - Rebecca's first day at Secondary school is tomorrow - I am scared for prob three reasons - 1, Rich wont be there with us to drop her off on her first day, 2, my little girl is growing up and I remember starting secondary school and how grown-up you feel/become but 3, and probably the most selfish reason - its making me feel really OLD!!!!

It has also completely drained my bank-account! Its a great school she is going to but blimey the uniform is expensive!! So I have told her she is not aloud to grow for the next 5 years!!!!

Bank Holiday Weekend

2009-08-28T07:06:00.001-07:00

I'm looking forward to this bank-holiday weekend with a bit of fear to be honest.

The plan is to spend the weekend at my sisters new house in Sandford near Exeter, help them with some new house type activities (sofa shopping etc) and get the kids to the seaside etc. A trip to Berryhead is also planned as clearly whenever in the local (ish) area I want to go and sit on our rocks and think about my Richie.

This time though Rebecca and Harry will be coming with me. Whilst Rebecca seems to vaguely understand what we did with Richie's ashes and why etc, I am really unsure on how to explain this to Harry. I guess I will try the approach of this is where we come to remember Daddy and celebrate how wonderful he was (is). My thinking is that this trip to Berryhead will be quite emotional for Rebecca. Rebecca to date has been wonderfully brave and coped magnificantly with everything that has happened to our little family over the past 18 months. She certainly has her moments where she is very upset and we talk about how much she misses Richie. We usually then get some old photos out and laugh at the pictures of the two of them together when she was little, and talk about the mean things she use to do to him. I think the best story of Rebecca's naughtyness to Rich when we first got together had to be the very first time he looked after her whilst I nipped to the gym.........

To backtrack slightly...... the very first time Rich and Rebecca met I would like to say was love at first sight. However, my darling little girl was clearly a little bit jealous of anyone taking her Mum's attention away from her so sweetly said "Hello" and then climbed out of her pushchair and booted him in the shin!! It all went kind of downhill from there really! Rich would try his hardest and she would just be more of a madam. If he tried to push her in her buggy then she would put her feet to the floor so it wouldn't move etc etc. Anyway, once we had been together six months or so they settled down and seemed to get along much better. The naughtyness had turned to more cheekyness and they started to become 'friends'. So, over the Xmas and New Year break Rich offered to play with Becs for an hour whilst I hit the gym to try and work off some of the excesses of Xmas! I therefore donned my trainers and headed up to the gym. Arrived at the gym, parked the car and headed towards the entrance....... oh crap its closed due to weird Xmas/New Year opening times. Oh well, got back in the car and headed home.

I arrived home to Rich and a very white face! Asked him if he was ok and the story unfolded! About 5 minutes after I had left the house Rebecca had informed Richard that she needed the loo for a number 2!! So he told her to go up to the bathroom to do the deed (so to speak). Anyway, a few minutes later she calls down to him to give her some assistance with wiping! At this point I'm about to burst out in fits of giggles...... So rich explained that he 'didn't know what the rules were about that kind of thing', but as she needed help he went up to lend a hand! So, as he walks into the bathroom Becs hands him the roll of loo-paper then promptly bends over and touches her toes to allow him to wipe her bum! Bless him, he then said he hoped that was ok! I then burst out laughing and explain to him that Becs has been fully capable of wiping her own behind for aprox 1 year now! We then walk into the lounge to see a very smug faced 4 year old on the couch looking like the cat that got the cream! 1-0 to Rebecca!!!

It wasn't long after this 'event' that Rich moved in with us and we soon settled into our own family routine. Rich was there to take her to school on her very first day and has been involved with all the major milestones that followed until he passed away. Its therefore not surprising that even though she has a great relationship with her own Dad, Richie became Daddy Rich - she would always call him Rich or Richie but in cards etc he was her Daddy Rich.

Anyway, back to Devon, even though I am sure it will be difficult to explain this all to the children again I have no doubt that my 2 little darlings will cope admirably and enjoy spending some time down on the rocks thinking of our big brave Richie/Daddy/Daddy Rich.

Some Musings From Mr Wildman

2009-08-26T05:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was packing up some more of Richard's things, putting stuff into boxes and transferring to the loft (that boy was quite the hoarder!!).

Anyway I found an old notepad of his which had some interesting thoughts he had written down so thought I would share it with you all......

All behaviour is belief driven.

The most powerful beliefs are those you have about who you are - your identity.

The strongest force in the human personality is the need to remain consistent with the identity we hold for ourselves.

What stops us is fear, what frees us is courage.

What shapes the decision is the state you are in.

The quality of my life is the quality of my communication.

Nothing in life has any meaning except the meaning I give it.

All truth goes through 3 stages:-
First, it is ridiculed
Second, it is violently opposed
Finally, it is accepted as self-evident
--German Philosopher Arthur Schopenhaurer--

"We are what we think
All that we are arises
With our thoughts.
With our thoughts
We make our world"
The Buddha

That was all I found, but thought it was interesting to read.

Sam

Running into Brick Walls

2009-08-09T12:55:00.000-07:00

So I have recently swapped gyms, ended my monthly direct debit for an expensive local gym and joined a work subsidised gym that is located in my office in Bracknell. With the money that I am saving by doing this I have started having a weekly personal training session to increase my fitness. The guy is really good and pushes me really hard to push myself that little bit harder than you would if left to your own devises.

Anyway, on Friday I had the day off work to attend one of my school friends weddings. The wedding kicked-off at 12:30 so I dropped Harry off with the childminder and decided to go for a run. Originally I was planning on running along the Thames path, but on-route decided to stop and run up the bridle path towards Cookham. I got out the car, warmed up a bit and then commenced the run.

When I run I plug my Ipod into my ears, turn the volume up loud then head down and crack on. So anyway, I'm running up the bridle path not taking much attention to anything except keeping one foot in front of the other when I suddenly realise I am in familiar territory. So I stop, catch my breath and take in my surroundings. Then the brick wall smashes into my face, I've basically stopped at the back of where Rich use to live when we first for together - I don't know why I didnt realise it when I started running. Anyway, for some reason I initially had a slight freak out and got a little upset. A lot of stuff went down in that place - so many memories, especially from the exciting phase of our relationship when we were first getting to know each other.

So, I was talking about it with a close friend this evening and he said that I should put some of those memories into this blog - as hey thats what this is suppose to be about now, keeping Rich as alive as possible through memories.

I remember the first time I went into Richard's house, he invited me in for a cup of tea after a drink in the local pub with the cast of a play we were doing with the local drama group. I accepted, on stepping inside he advised that he actually had no milk and no tea bags for that matter either! Glass of water it was then! The house was so the ultimate bachelor pad - pretty dirty and with crap all over the place but had a decent TV with a load of gaming consoles attached to it! The first time I ever stayed over for the night I cleaned the bathroom before having a shower - it was that bad!!!

After we had been going out together for about 6 months Rich invited me over for dinner - I remember being a little concerned at what festering food he was going to serve from his fridge (which mostly just housed cans of Fosters!!), and also wondered how we would manage to eat given the piles of books/letters/washing etc that housed the sofa and dining room table! So imagine my surprise when Richard opened the door dressed in his Tuxedo and handed me a glass of Champagne. He had cleaned the house from top to bottom and made the dining room table look all pretty (well pretty as in boy standards (clean cutlery, crisp white napkin and some candles)), he had also made a menu card for the meal he had made for us that evening - all Mexican food yum! I still have the Menu kept for sentimental reasons.

He could be a bit of an old romantic when he wanted to - and not just in the sending flowers way but with the small little things that are thoughtful and lovely. When we went on holiday to Cyprus a few years ago the day before we flew I took the day off to get my nails done etc and have a little pampering. He met me outside the spa when my treatments had finished with a blanket, some wine and some fruit. We went and sat in the park and chilled out in the sun before picking Rebecca up from school - was really nice. He wasn't always like that - a reminder to my very unromantic marriage proposal (!) - but sometimes he would surprise and do something really touching.

Anyway, I seem to have these 'brick wall' moments more regularly now. Perhaps that comes with the realisation that he has really gone, now some of the shock and numbness of the first part of the year has subsised. They are hard to describe, usually when you least expect it - perhaps running around the house messing about with the children and stumbling on something of his or driving somewhere and going past a familiar place - silly things that spark memories etc. I guess that will be something I need to get use to and in a way thankful that there are memories there to be sparked.

Stormtroppers Arrest The Groom!

2009-08-01T02:12:00.000-07:00

So the wedding was amazing. The Groom looked very handsome and the bride looked absolutely stunning. Plus the sun shone all day for the celebrations putting the icing on the cake.

Myself and Katy started the morning with a wonderfully leisurely breakfast - a very rare thing for me! Breakfast usually last about the time it takes for Harry to eat his cereal before he zooms off to do something else. Therefore to sit and spend timeover breakfast, read the paper and drink lots of cups of tea was pure bliss!!

After breakfast we began to get ourselves ready for the wedding and then headed off to the Church (fyi driving a TT in heels is a challenge!). We parked the car up and headed into the church. As we walked up the driveway of the Church (is that the correct term? Do churches have driveways? Anyway you get what I mean) 3 stormtroopers walked passed us! We had no idea that there were part of the wedding, we just presumed there was a random fancy dress party happening that afternoon!

We headed into the church and after I was given a brief overview of what I needed to do for my reading by the Vicar we sat down and waited for the bride to arrive.

Sue arrived looking absolutely beautiful and as she walked up the aisle towards Steve it dawned on me that this was the first wedding I had been too since Richie had passed away and I was suddenly very emotional (mixed in with some nerves re standing up to do the reading!)

The reading I had to do was The Lorax by Dr Suess:-

And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
Was a small pile of rocks, with the one word ....

"UNLESS"

Whatever that meant, well, I just couldn't guess.

That was long, long ago.

But each day since that day

I've sat here and worried

and worried away.

Through the years, while my buildings

have fallen apart,

I've worried about it

with all my heart.

"But now," says the Once-ler,

"Now that you're here,

the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear.

UNLESS someone like you

cares a whole awful lot,

nothing is going to get better

It's not.

Plant a new tree. Treat it with care.

Give it clean water. And feed it fresh air.

Grow a forest. Protect it from axes that hack.

Then the Lorax

and all of his friends may come back."

After the service we stood outside and lots of photographs were taken, which is where is became clear the the stormtroopers were associated with the wedding and not just some random dress-up people stalking through the churchyard. Sue had hired the stormtroopers to 'arrest' Steve and accompany him to the church - brilliant!

Steve, Sue, Jack and the Stormtroopers:-

Myself and Katy had to leave the church a little earlier than everyone else as Katy needed a wee and needed one immediately!! I drove to a pub up the road as apparently she wasn't going to make it back to the hotel! However the pub was closed so she had no choice but to hold and run as fast as she could when we got to the hotel! Was very amusing site, a wedding guest tottering as fast as she could in her heels and pretty wedding outfit to the loo!! Hehehe!

Having some pre-dinner drinks sat outside in the sun was lovely, it was a glorious day and there was definitely a little sunburn being created as we had all been fooled into thinking the weather would be rubbish after the previous days continual downpours.

The wedding breakfast was delicious, fantastic food and lovely wine meant we were all a little tipsy!! The speeches were great, albeit Steve's very emotional especially when talking around absent friends. I had a major 'wobble' at this point and had to go release some tears up in my room. Once composed I re-joined the wedding party. The rest of the afternoon/early evening was spent drinking wine and chatting outside on the terrace before the disco started. Then it was boogying all the way!

The following day I had a very sore head, very sore feet and woke-up still in my dress - the cocktail confirming a fabulous day and evening was had the day before.

I would like to wish Steve and Sue every happiness for their marriage and life together. It was a fantastic day guys and I would like to say a big Thank-You for inviting me to celebrate it with you.

Sammie x

Steve & Sue's Wedding

2009-07-25T00:46:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I travelled up to Lancashire to begin the celebrations for the wedding of Richie's best man Steve and his lovely lady Sue. A long journey on the first Friday after the schools break up is not fun! I decided to drive up in Richie's TT, seemed like I was bringing a bit of his spirit with me, which I certainly did in Road Rage! Don't get me wrong I'm usually fairly placid when behind the wheel of a car, but after 8 hrs of driving to do a journey which should have taken half that time I was a little tetchy! And why do people HOG the middle land ARGH (ok perhaps still not quite over that!).

Anyway, 1 Audi, 2 ladies, at least 4 motorways with at least 6 accidents (not us luckily, although Katy was close to having her own 'accident' when needing a wee and stuck in a jam 17 miles from services, she is going to kill me for writing that hehehehe!) bam we arrive in Lancashire - although I was nearly 2 hours late for the rehearsal at the Church. It seems a lot of people where in the same situation so I was kindly forgiven by a very calm Mr & Mrs to be (considering it was the eve of their big day) and invited to join them at Sue's parents for a BBQ.

After the BBQ we checked into the hotel, which is also the location of the Wedding reception - a fantastic pub/hotel with the most amazing views. It almost feels like we are out on the moors, very romantic location for a wedding reception - and stupidly I have forgotten my camera so cannot post a picture of the view at this time but will get Katy to do this for me and add later..... oh hang on can use my camera phone silly me!! Here goes:-

As you can see fabulous views, anyway feel like I am rambling again! So a couple of glasses of wine in the bar then we hit our beds. Which leads straight to me tapping away at this post.

I guess today has bought me back to my own wedding day. I remember waking up early and having a massive walk with my Dad through Dartmouth. He didn't do a typical 'Dad wedding chat', we just talked about loads of stuff - just general day to day stuff and it was really special. We walked down this massive hill into the Marina and I said to Dad lets go get a cup of tea - great idea he said but I have no money. D'oh neither did I!! So we had to hike back up this hill to the house and were 2 very dehydrated people when we got back!

We then had a limo ride to Berryhead which took about an hour as they couldn't use the ferry. Me, Dad and the bridesmaids sat in the limo in our PJ's (except for Dad who stuck with Jeans and a Tee) drinking Champagne. I was a mix of nerves and excitement, but it felt great. I remember getting this really lovely text from Rich saying how calm he was feeling (which was not how I expected him to be at all - to quote the tv series friends and I am sure a lot of his mates would agree - he was not likely to take a wife!! The eternal bachelor!) and how much he was looking forward to making me his Mrs Wildman - Rich could be the most soppy person I knew at times, it was great. Perhaps I should blog some of those memories? I always have this fear of forgetting those moments without him here to remind me. Anyway rambling again!

So when we arrived at the Berryhead Rich had to take over with Harry and we took over the room to get ready. Immediately I realised why Rich was so calm, our room was so peaceful and all you could see and here was the sea - bliss! I think it was only when I left the room all dressed up in my lovely gown and sparkly Gina shoes that my legs began to wobble and the nerves hit me. I think my Dad could probably feel me shaking as he took my arm to walk me down the aisle. Once standing by Rich though and seeing tears in his eyes the nerves went and I just giggled at how my big strong man was being more girly than me!

So I guess today is going to be great fun but also a little emotional especially as the tears are forming just writing this blog and facing into the memories with the fact that he is not here anymore.

But the most important thing to say is Congratulations to Steve & Sue and I really hope you love this day as much as I loved the day I married my Racoon.

Sammie x

A Bit Of Lady Love Heading My Way!

2009-07-16T12:55:00.000-07:00

So after a bit of melancholy, I decided to get my ass back into gear and focus on some of the stuff that (still!!!) needs doing to the house etc!

So as well as a very busy week this week at work (got given another team to manage last week so currently frantically trying to do 121s etc), I have also (with the help of trusty Dave Angel!) hung some ace wedding photos around the house, made the conservatory a little more homely, booked a plasterer to skim my bedroom ceiling tomorrow and a decorator to come quote on Sunday, had a landscape gardening company come around to sort the bombsite of a garden I now have, MOT the Audi and got it back on the road and hung a new pretty light in the new bedroom (aka old Garage!). Not bad, not bad!!

So, my reward, an impromptu trip to Bridgnorth to spend the weekend with my fabulous Lady (Katy!). The plan is to drink as much wine as possible when the children are sleeping then tire them out in awake hours by going to the Safari Park, Steam Train and fingers crossed getting Brian to teach them magic tricks in the pub!!

Roll on 5pm Friday!!

Melancholy!

2009-07-13T13:13:00.000-07:00

Melancholy, funny word but probably about right for my mood the past few days. Its weird, I seem to have a few days that are good and then feel really really blue (melancholy!).

I get a little cross with myself for feeling that way, after all there are lots of fun things happening in the not too distant future. Richard's best man is getting married in a couple of weeks to his lovely wife Sue to complete their family, I have another friend I have known since secondary school who is also getting married shortly. One of my best friends is pregnant and due to give birth in November, and my fabulous friend Santhosh is due to become a Daddy before Christmas. So as you can see, lots of exciting times ahead. When I am feeling particularly blue about everything though I guess it reminds me how cheated I feel that Richie isn't here anymore and it feels rubbish that he is not here to celebrate these happy moments for our friends (and you all know he would have celebrated to excess!).

Anyway, not really sure what the point of this blog today is - although when Rich first got into blogging he would tell me that he had to keep updating the blog regularly in order to keep people 'interested', so apologies that this one isn't particularly interesting but without this you might all get bored with the lack of updates and stop logging on here at all!

Sam

The Adventures of Chemoman

2009-07-06T13:47:00.000-07:00

Its been a funny couple of weeks to say the least. Very up and down emotionally, not sure why but as someone close to me said you can't plan when grief will hit you sometimes. I guess Devon felt like some sort of closure and in another way opened it all up again and as my counselor has said (yep, I'm no longer ashamed to admit I need some help coming to terms with all that has happened over the past 18 months) its still very very early days. I have recently been subjected to being made to feel guilty about my actions recently or rather lack of them, its like people expect things to be normal for me and my brain to engage on 'normal' things. It doesn't happen though, I forget a lot of important things (for example we are into July already and I have only remembered to tax my car oops!). But I have been advised by a number of people (bless them) that I need to stop taking other peoples crap on the chin and I have nothing to apologise for - after all I am grieving the loss of a wonderful man and trying to cope with that, the affect loosing him has had on our children whilst trying to crack on at work and normal family life. No easy thing I can assure you! Its not easy in a normal circumstances so add in the loss of a young father and its all rather screwed, confusing and upsetting for all three of us. I have therefore been given a fantastic set of Sammie commandments from my wonderful counselor Karen:-

1) Thou shall not be perfect, nor even try to be
2) Thou shall not try to be all things to all people
3) Thou shall leave things undone that ought to be done
4) Thou shall not spread yourself too thin
5) Thou shall learn to say 'No'
6) Thou shall schedule time for thyself and thy supportive network
7) Thou shall switch off and do nothing regularly
8) Thou shall be boring, inelegant, untidy and unattractive at times
9) Thou shall not even feel guilty
10) Especially thou shall not be thine own worst enemy, but be thy best friend

Fabulous! However, my Monica and vain tendencies will struggle with item 8 - however as I type I am wearing sloppy inelegant clothes with hair scrapped into ugly ponytail and only a scrap of mascara (no full make-up, scary!!!) plus the house looks like a Chinese laundry come child's plan den and desperately needs a hoover which is fine (actually I will get the hoover out shortly and tidy the toys once Harry is in bed, but baby steps right!!).

Anyway, the session I had with Karen today and her list of commandments have helped and I do not feel guilty about neglecting to send a birthday card here and there, and I do not feel guilty about any of my behaviour since Richard passed. My efforts have been towards looking after the children, my own sanity, raising pots loads of cash in his memory and keeping his memory and spirit alive. And if anyone takes issue with that then damn well shame on them!

So anyway after a rubbish time I felt in need of some Wildman inspiration/memories. So I have read through some old posts and had a little chuckle and a little tear all at the same time. I then came across an extract of a Chemoman story that his friend Sandra sent to me, she used the transcript whilst working with some Cuban medical students:-

One day, an innocent, happy littel cell, lets call him Joe, is happily
doing his thing. All seems well, but what Joe doesn't know is that
something has happened to his DNA.

The DNA is like a set of instructions for how to make a new copy of a
cell. They all have 'em. So, anyway, Joe doesn't know, but his DNA
has become damaged. It's like some of the instructions have been lost or
changed. Now Joe reports in for copying. This is where new copies of
him are made, based on his DNA. Blissfully aware that his DNA instructions
contain errors, he happily sets to work creating the next batch of Joe
cells. He finishes this and blammo, cancer!
Well, you see, there are certain things that make an evil, stinking cancer
cell different from an innocent, hard working, normal cell.

Firstly, they don't die when they are suppose to. They just try and
live forever. Second, they don't make a sensible number of copies of
themselves, they keep on cranking out more and more, faster and faster.
Finally, they don't stay where they are suppose to, they go and invade the homes
of other cells. Now, that is just rude.
Everything that a cell does is determined by his DNA, his instructions,
Okay? So, if Joe makes a copy of himself and the DNA is not right, then
his copy, lets call him Joe2, may not do what he is meant to. If the right
instructions are messed up, then what you have is cancer. Joe2 arrives on
the scene. Joe and the rest of his body recognise Joe2 as being one of
them, but Joe2 isn't interested in doing an honest days work and striving to
make the body a better place to love. No. He he is bad. He has
darker thoughts and goals. He wants to multiply, invade and live
forever.

Usually, Joe2 and his rapidly copied buddies keep themselves to themselves,
all hidden away, growing and copying. Smug and confident that no one knows
they're there. Every so often, one of them may leave the group and go out
to set up his own little group elsewhere, thus spreading the cancer
around. When cancer starts getting cocky and effecting the cells around
it, the bodies owner may start to notice. Sometimes it'll be a pain or a
cough that won't go or a lymph node swelling up and not going down. Cancer
always gets greedy and gives away its position.

from The Adventures of Chemoman, by Richard Wildman

He was such a fab writer, I can only imagine that he is up in heaven re-stocking the library with The Works Of A Wildman or similar - or more likely scaring them all with his panto Dame type performances!

Sammie

An emotional but wonderful trip to Devon

2009-06-25T11:04:00.000-07:00

I am back in Maidenhead after the trip to Devon. Leaving was a really hard hard thing to do after returning to our special place and leaving Richie's ashes there. Its been a really strange few days with emotions going all over the place. Ill start with Monday.

So Monday afternoon I went with a close friend to collect Richard's ashes from the funeral home. I hadn't collected them before as for some odd reason had been too scared to. I rang the funeral home that morning to let them know I was coming. The lady on reception refers to Richard's ashes as they are actually him which I find really strange. For example when they received his ashes after his funeral they rang me to say "Richard was back with them" - I just found that bizarre. So anyway, I rang up to advise them I was coming across that afternoon and the lady tells me "That's good Ill keep Richard close by". Odd odd odd!! Anyway I picked them up and was very shocked by how heavy they were, I don't know why I expected them to be light - I guess I had not thought about that and was more worried about the emotional response to collecting his ashes rather than the physical one (if I carried him around too much I was gonna get repetitive strain injury!). After picking him up (oh man I'm at it now, but I suppose its easier to type him or Rich that Richard's ashes etc) I headed home. It felt weird bringing him home but not in a bad way, it was weirdly nice. Getting to walk around the house that he built for us and didn't get to see finished.

Dave, my part time lodger, was down that evening as was joining us in Devon. Dave and Rich had spent a lot of time together in his last few months when Dave first started staying with us. Dave "The Angel" (not a nickname I had given him btw!!) had given us a lot of practical help - doing the electrics for the extension and helping me out with runs to the hospital when I was tied up with work or the kids. But had also helped a lot emotionally as well - getting Rich tipsy on a variety of different whiskies for one and in the past six months being there for me to shout and scream at when I have bad days! Anyway, I'm digressing again, so me, Dave and Rich sat out in the garden on Monday evening having a few glasses of wine - each one toasting the big man and his wonderfulness.

I went to bed that evening with my hubby for the last time (does that make me weird?) and even though I only slept for a few hours I slept really well. I woke early the next morning and thought it was best to get up and keep myself busy by getting everything ready so I wasn't running around like a mad woman with the kids and school runs etc. But as soon as I got out of bed I had a massive emotional wave pour over me and just broke down crying. I guess when we had Richard's funeral I was in a massive bubble of shock and disbelief and it had never really sank in, but now it was and having to say Goodbye to him again was bringing all the pain and sorrow that this awful thing had happened to him back. The rest of the morning was a bit of a blur. Friends started to arrive as we were driving in transit and I dropped the kids and their stuff off with Zoe (I didn't take Bec and Harry down with me, I had sat down with Becs and explained what I was doing and that I thought it was best for her to not come this time but we would go to the spot later in the year, plus with Harry how could I explain that all was left of his beloved Daddy was a pot of ashes).

The drive down was fairly painless, bit of traffic but nothing too bad. Plus Dave had his foot down trying to catch up with Kat and Lisa who had left a little earlier than us!

We got to Preston Sands beach in Paignton a little after 11:30. Mum, Dad, Julie, Josh and Georgina where already there as they travelled down the evening before. We had to wait about an hour for Katy to catch up with us so we chilled out on the beach and had a paddle (yep it was freezing!) and kicked a football about a bit. The weather was not that great, overcast and a little bit chilly - having said that we would all run into the sea I was guessing that Richie would want to make it a proper challenge for us to prove our commitment! Once Katy arrived we moved a little closer to the shore line and stripped down to our swimwear ready to dive in! Before we ran in I played If I Ever Leave This World Alive and we all downed a shot of Tequila after toasting Richie. As we did this thankfully the sun came out, however the sea was FREEZING! But we all ran in and got right in (even Lisa and Kat who wouldn't even get in a nice swimming pool on a boiling hot day in Madrid so hats off to my girls!). For me the combination of an empty tummy mixed with Tequila and cold water created an exceedingly sick feeling, especially when I then got a mouthful of sea water - yuk! We stayed in the water swimming about and stuff for about ten minutes before getting out of the sea to dry off and head onto Berryhead.

Driving into Brixham and along the Berryhead road to the hotel was another emotional wave for me, the last time I had driven along there had been with my Dad, sisters, Bec, Harry and Katy in the back of a limo - all in our PJ's drinking Champagne and excited about getting hair and make-up done for the big day.

We parked up at the hotel and organised checking into rooms etc then sat out on the terrace and had some lunch. The views are amazing:-

We had some champagne and made more toasts to Richie. We also looked through the wedding photo album and remembered back to this time two years ago.

It was then time to climb down onto the rocks and scatter the ashes. When we got to the right spot (checking wind directions etc as didn't want any comedy ashes disasters that you see in movies, although Rich would have loved that).

I had another song played - Who Knew by Pink. As I unscrewed the lid of the ashes I felt my whole body shaking and started to have a massive panic, what if this wasn't what he wanted? I could hardly go back and collect them up again. My Mum just held me and reassured me that this was the right thing to do. So I started to pour and the tears were pouring down my face. I could hear everyone else crying too. It is hard to describe how devastating that moment was and also at the same time how lovely it was. The sun was shining and as the song finished all you could hear was the gently sounds of the sea lapping the rocks and shore line - it was a very beautiful moment. After a few minutes everyone headed back up to the hotel and left me with Mum, Dad and Julie. The four of us hugged, cried and cried a bit more. I then asked them if I could have some time on my own. As they climbed back up I climbed down a bit more and sat with my legs in the sea trying to take it all in and I just couldn't. One of my friends bought me a glass of wine down so I sat there for a while with my wine before heading back to the hotel.

Shortly after that Mum and Dad had to head home with Josh as Dad needed to be at work early the next morning. It was hard saying goodbye to them and equally hard for them to leave. Craig and Jackie also headed off as they were staying across in Torquay. The rest of us had a few more drinks on the terrace before getting dressed for dinner.

The hotel had arranged for us to use a private room for dinner so we all got dressed up in proper evening wear (Rich use to love getting his tux out!) and headed to the Library suite for our meal. More champagne and toasts to the big man. For most people it wasn't a late night - it had been a long day with lots of travelling, emotional stuff and alcohol!

Wednesday morning was awake fairly early with a slight headache and very dry mouth! So I headed down to breakfast for lots of juice and cups of tea! We didn't need to check out until 11 so I climbed back down the rocks and sat down there for about 20mins. The fresh air and sea breeze was making me feel more human! I went back to my room and had an hour snooze before getting up and showered. Those of us that didn't need to head off early met out on the terrace. I took my last climb down the rocks and checked out the rock pools!

We then headed to Torquay to have lunch in what was mine and Richie's favourite restuarant down there - its called the Pier Point and does fab pizzas and a really good home made garlic dip - yummy!

Driving away from Berryhead was awful, I really wished I had planned to stay a few days longer. But we have all agreed that we will make the same trip on the same date every year and regardless of the weather still all dive into the sea baywatch style!!

Back to BerryHead

2009-06-19T04:17:00.001-07:00

This coming Tuesday (23rd June) would have been mine and Richie's second wedding anniversary. I have decided to use this date and the location of our wedding - BerryHead in Devon - as the place to scatter his ashes. Deciding what to do with Richie's ashes has been a major brain ache for a long time. Burying them didn't seem right at all, and neither did keeping them cooped up in an urn at home or in the garden.

So next Tuesday myself and some friends and family are off to Devon for what will be the hardest trip of my life. At the moment it feels like I have to say goodbye to him all over again.

The plan for Tuesday is that we are all going to meet on Paignton beach, have a shot of Tequila to the tune of If I Leave This World Alive and then all run (Baywatch style of course!) into the sea! We will then drive onto the Berryhead Hotel for lunch before climbing the rocks and scattering Richie into the wind and sea.

It may seem strange to do something so difficult at a place I love so much, but this place is full of happy memories for me and Richie - it was the views we fell in love with and thus why we got married there. It was the place in the world we wanted to move to when we were older, and I hope when my time comes someone takes me and scatters me there out to sea to find my Richie again.

Cyprus

2009-06-14T04:03:00.000-07:00

I took Harry and Rebecca to Cyprus for a week last month.

I thought it was about time that I bit the bullet (so to speak) and take them on a holiday. I say bite the bullet as I guess the thought of being away with them and being the single Mum was a bit daunting.

My first mistake was booking a package deal without knowing the airline carrier - booking confirmation advised it was easyJet!! Great! I hate flying at the best of times and a budget airline did not fill me with confidence! I didn't realise that they do not provide seat allocations or anything, its basically like getting on a bus! Again not a problem unless you are flying alone with two children! Luckily as Harry is under 5 we got priority boarding and managed to get onto the plane fairly quickly so were all sat together.

The flight was quite a bit different from my previous flight to India (Emirates business class!) and I spent the first five minutes wondering where the stewardess was with my take-off Champagne! Lol!!

The flight was ok, and even Harry was fairly well behaved (despite needing to pee every ten minutes! No fear of DVT on a flight with Harry as you are constantly up and down to the loo!).

Our hotel was in Larnaca, so just a very short transfer from the airport by taxi. We had a great room on the ground floor over-looking the pool. The sun was shining so we were set for a great holiday in the sun!

The first day was spent with the children jumping in and out of the pool and eating as much ice-cream as they could! The following day, the Friday, Harry seemed a bit subdued and not quite himself. By lunchtime it became apparent that he was unwell and was complaining of ear-ache (something that fills me with dread as I have had problems with my ears from the age of 5 and therefore feel very bad for anyone with ear-ache, one of the worst places to have an ache!).

This quickly escalated and Harry was screaming as it hurt so much. I therefore arranged a taxi to take me to a local private hospital to have Harry checked over. Luckily Rebecca had made friends with two girls and their parents agreed to look after her whilst I took Harry to the hospital.

The taxi drove at crazy miles an hour, which for once I was comfortable with as Harry was so upset I wanted him to be seen as soon as possible.

We arrived at the hospital after about 15 minutes and Harry was seen immediately. A doctor came and cleaned out his ear and flushed it out - apparently there was a big build up of ear wax (yuk!). Harry was screaming the whole time and asking the doctor to stop hurting him. As a Mum having to watch on it was horrible. I think I was crying more than Harry. Once it was all done the poor little guy look very pale and scared, but was relieved to leave the hospital. We headed back to the hotel and picked-up a prescription on-route for some ear drops.

The next day Harry seemed almost back to normal and was begging to go in the pool. So we splashed around in the shallow end as I didn't want him to get water in his ears after yesterdays drama! However later that afternoon he was crying saying he was unwell again. This time I asked the hotel to call a doctor out to see him. The doctor luckily arrived very quickly and after checking Harry out confirmed that he also had an ear infection. He then kindly went out and collected anti-biotics and dropped them off at the hotel for Harry.

By the following evening the anti-biotics had kicked-in and Harry was back to his usual mad-self!

The rest of our holiday then followed quite a nice gentle routine. We would get-up in the morning and have some breakfast. Harry and Becs would then go to the hotel's kids club from 10am to 12pm. We would then play in the pool (with the majority of the hotel kids!) before having some lunch on the beach. More swimming and jumping in the pool before kids club again 4pm til 6! Kids club times where great - I would laze by the pool with my book and a glass of wine (bliss!).

The end of the holiday was a little disappointing as I would definitely miss the sun and time with Becs and Harry. However, I was looking forward to getting home and having a grown-up conversation with someone who didn't always question why I was away solo! (Oh is your husband joining you for the second week was the usual lead into people being nosey about my situation!). However all in all it was ok and definitely not scary so Harry and Bec can breath a sigh of relief as I will be taking them away again!

No Guarentees!

2009-05-18T05:02:00.001-07:00

So, am back after the big 3 peak challenge! Despite me saying that I would get up and down all three mountains despite my toe injury I'm afriad I only managed Ben Nevis and 3/4 of Scafell.

I flew up to Glasgow Wednesday morning and worked from our local C&W office. We picked up the mini-bus with the rest of the team aprox 7pm at Glasgow airport and headed up to Ben Nevis. The drive up to Ben Nevis was amazing - great views around Loch Lomond, very beautifull and will definetly go back in more relaxing circumstances! We arrived at our bunk house around 10pm and had a quick bite to eat and couple of drinks before heading to sleep in the lovely bunk beds (The Lowry it was not!).

As we were not starting until 5pm on the Thursday we spent the day in Fort William, grabbing a deluxe Morrisons breakfast first thing and then sat in the park enjoying the sunshine (yep it was very very sunny and I think I may be the first person to get burnt by the Scottish sun!).

5pm we all began the decent up Ben Nevis.

The views on the walk up where amazing

It took me three hours to get to the top of Ben Nevis - as we neared the summit there was a lot of snow every step forward I slipped back 2 which was very frustrating!

Myself and two others reached the top first, we waited for about 20mins for some of our party to catch up with us but we got so cold we started heading back down. We met up with 2 other crew members a short distance from the top and they continued on as we headed down.

Coming back down was really painfull on my toe - every step forward my toe was hitting the end of my walking boots which was far from pleasant! And as we hit the rocky parts I knocked my toe quite a few times. It therefore took me nearly as long to get down Ben Nevis as it took to get up!

Getting to the bottom was very emotional, but also very proud! There where a few points where I thought I wouldn't be able to do it!

Once at the bottom it became apparent that one of the guys we had passed near the top was in trouble. He had injured his knee and could barely walk, luckily another member of the team was with him but was having to half carry him most of the way down. One of the drivers started to make his way up to give them some assistance. Luckily all where safely down but it took another hour and a half so we were quite behind time as we set off for Scafell.

I managed to sleep really well on the drive to Scafell and kept my foot raised hoping that the swelling would go down by the time we arrived.

We got to Scafell at aprox 8am. This time just 6 of us headed up. Scafell is a much shorted climb that Ben Nevis but its a harder climb as steeper. Unfortunatly the weather was not on our side as it had been when climbing Ben Nevis. The weather was awful, raining and very windy.

The stones were very slippery walking up and it soon became apparent that this was not just down to the rain. There were lots of National Trust workers replacing a lot of the path - apparently when the path was originally laid the stones were put in the wrong way up which is causing the stones to be more slippy. The path up Scafell was also very narrow and with the wind there were times I thought I was going to be blown off the side (even a sturdy girl like me!!).

When we were aprox 3/4 of the way up I decided that I couldn't continue - the wind and narrow path was making me feel unsafe and I was really worried about the climb down with my toe. So myself and 2 of the team headed back down and 3 others carried on - although they also turned back shortly after due to the conditions etc.

It didnt take too long to get down and luckily I had the shoulder of a team member to help me down and managed to not knock my toe as often as the way down Ben Nevis.

Once we were all down and back loaded into the mini-bus we set off for Snowdon. I knew that I wouldn't be able to climb this one. My toe was described as a beacon of red light that the guys could use to guide them down Snowdon later on! We arrived at Snowdon at 5pm - so therefore would not be hitting the 24 hr deadline.

3 of the team headed up. The conditions here were also bad. The cloud level was very low and it was raining. There were a lot of pen aople hanging around waiting for people to get back down - one group had gone up at 9am that morning and were still not back!

I think it was aprox 10:30 when our three got down to the bottom and we packed up again and headed for home.

Getting home and sleeping in my own bed was bliss! Waking up Saturday morning I realised that I need to take myself to A&E to have my toe checked out as it was not looking pretty (photo at the end of this blog, its gross - u have been warned!). My friend Paul drove me across to Wexham and I joined the queue to see a doctor.

The doctor took me straight into theatre and anaethatised the toe (which fyi injections into your big toe really hurts - I guess because toes are quite bony with not much flesh), it took 3 injections to numb my toe up. She then pierced the nail to release the blood trapped underneath - gross but a relief at the same time. Luckily she managed to save the nail but it wouldn't be looking good for a few weeks so it looks like no sandals/flip-flops for me this summer!

So I would like to say a massive thank-you to everyone that sponsored me with this challange - and also apologise for not completing all of it. I am going to return to all peaks and do them again - but rather than rush it over a 24 hour period I am going to do it over a weekend and enjoy the climbing and the views.

The famous toe, pre and post treatment:-

3 Peaks and the god damn hoover!

2009-05-12T13:17:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow is the day when myself and the 3 Peaks team travel up to Scotland ready to begin the 3 Peaks challenge this Thursday at 5pm. Cast your minds back to the last fundraising initiative I had - the Dorney Lake 10K........... And you will remember how I stupidly twisted my ankle in my heels the evening before the race.

No, no, I haven't done anything that silly this time. However, have been doing a little spring cleaner in the house this evening (cleaning therapy is my bizarre 'Monica' tendency as my friends like to (affectionately!) refer to). Anyway, whilst carrying it down stairs I have managed to drop the big lump of a thing on my big toe - D'Oh!!

Its very sore and looks like it will be nice and black ready for the decent up Ben Nevis!

Ow well, I guess I am not happy with just a 'normal' challenge, I have to add an injury factor into the mix as well.

Anyway, whatever the bruised toe, weather, conditions etc bring I guarantee that I will be up and down all 3 of those mountains as whenever I feel like stopping I will think of my big brave man and keep one foot marching in front of the other. Either that of hop on the back of one of my team mates!!!

www.justgiving.com/mrbaldy

Sammie x

Mistakes

2009-05-09T10:22:00.000-07:00

You're going to make them. A mistake is the best way to learn.

Learning is our goal. We want to learn fast and big. Therefore we want to make lots of mistakes and big ones.

Answer: Don't make the same mistake twice!

Richard Wildman

Dancing by Richard Wildman

2009-05-09T10:18:00.001-07:00

Most people are rubbish dancers. Very few are good. Main problem and what makes the worst dancer is the worry that other people think that they can't dance. Kettle calling the pot!

Be bold. Get out there. Like any skill you get better with practice (or think you get better with beer!)

Plus sides - If really crap then you get to meet people who comment, you got to get better and you get to learn about walking your own path and ignoring people with nothing useful to tell you. You learn to be bolder.

Or find someone truly awful and dance next to them!!

Richard Wildman

Being Ready by Richard Wildman

2009-05-09T10:10:00.000-07:00

You never are quite ready. If you are then it is too late!

Feeling ready to ask out the girl you've been obsessing over for weeks, feeling ready to apply for the job that looks harder than you can comfortably do, etc.

A window of opportunity opens and then it closes. Gone. Often forever. Thats a long time!

When it opens, it may seem to be the wrong time. You may shrug and say "Oh well". Dont. Its not the wrong time. Jump! Why?

1) Its never the right time........ever. There is always something you can use as to convince yourself of that (sometimes pretty good sounding ones too). Ignore them all!

2) Life expects you to stand up and do things before you think you're ready. Its a test.

3) You're always so much better than you dare to think

Richard Wildman

Decisions by Richard Wildman

2009-05-09T09:56:00.001-07:00

The sign of confidence, of leadership and also a very attractive male quality (or so I am told) is being decisive.

"Ooh I dont know what do you want to do?" Can be a great second date self destruct option for the wuss man!

Just like confidence, decisiveness can be tricky. But as with anything that looks to be difficult there is always a simple (but imperfect, (but hey, life is way too short for perfectionism, sorry but it is look at 80/20)) answer. Here is what happens:-

Choice 1 see-saw- Pro/con- = Forever dither
------------> ^ ^
Choice 2 ----- -----

Rule: If you cant decide in X then pick option 1

You'll soon know if its the right decision - this is not about flip flopping but being able to change a decision

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I found this in a notebook of Richard's. The diagram is not posting correctly - its basically 2 choices then arrow to a circle of see/saw decisions and circle of pro/cons which equates to forever dithering! I think Rich would want me to share his words of wisdom with you all!

3 Peaks & a Gr8 Company!

2009-05-08T11:30:00.000-07:00

As you all are probably aware myself and my friends are doing as much as possible to raise money for charities in Richard's name.

The next challenge is the 3 peaks - Ben Nevis, Scafell Pike and Snowdon in 24hrs! I am completing this with a number of my work colleagues. As it has not been that long since the 10K run I did not want to broadcast an email to everyone again asking for more sponsorship so thought I would put a note on here to do it in a more subtle way!

We start at 5pm on Thursday May 14th - and fingers crossed will complete by 5pm on the 15th.

So if you fancy sponsoring myself and the team taking on this challenge then logon to www.justgiving.com/mrbaldy

We dropped a note to our exec team at the company I work for (Cable&Wireless) and they have generously donated £1000. Our total to date is now over £4000 for Lymphoma Research and we also have collected money for Lymphoma Org and Make-A-Wish foundation. Our grand total is over £5000. However! It cant stop there so if you are feeling generous then please dig deep! (I promise not to twist my ankle the night before this one!!)

Thank-you
Sam
xx

Nanny D

2009-05-04T08:41:00.000-07:00

As you will know from a previous post I lost my Granddad a few weeks ago and I have sadly now also lost my Nan. My Nan passed away a couple of days after Granddad's funeral, she had been poorly for some time so whilst it was not a complete shock it is still terribly sad.

My Nan was such a great character and I have such great memories from spending lots of time with her when I was a little girl. My favourite memories are from the holidays we use to take in Lanzarote, I remember me and Julie being embarrassed as Mum and Nan would always sunbathe topless! But being even more amused when she would have a dip in the sea with her incredible floating boobs!

She also use to make the best pickled onions - boxing day dinners will never be the same without them.

I take a lot of comfort in the fact that whilst we may not be able to see my Nan she is re-united with my Granddad who she had loved dearly for so many wonderful years - something they were very blessed to have.

God bless Nan and give Granddad a kiss from me x x

Easter in Devon

2009-04-14T05:17:00.000-07:00

I have just returned from a weekend away with the children in Devon. My first trip down since Richie passed away. As many of you are aware Devon was where we got married and was somewhere we had always talked about moving to in the future. So it was a very strange journey thinking back to the times we have spent in Devon and the plans we had considered for our old age!

The journey down was a nightmare, typically I had left later than intended and therefore joined the masses travelling to the seaside for the Easter break urgh! My sister Julie, her other half Chris and their son Josh came with us. I had also bought alone a friend for Becca, her school mate Shannon. So we had two packed vehicles heading down the M4 and M5. We hired a couple of log cabins on a golf resort in Tedbury St Mary (a few miles out of Exeter).

Saturday we spent at Creely Adventure Park - the kids had a whale of a time. It was a fairly small park so Becs and Shannon had the luxury of being allowed to walk around without the adults and go on the rides that they wanted whist the rest of us watched the boys who spent most of the day playing with diggers in the sand.

Sunday gave us a gloriously sunny day so we all headed for the beach after the kids had finished their Easter Egg Hunt. Being a typical donut I didn't take myself any suncream and think I have become the first person to burn on a UK beach in early April! (This does not bode well for my upcoming trip to India!!)

Monday was spent doing a little shopping before heading back home (another 5 hrs spent in traffic jams!!). Unfortunately this journey back was not without its mishaps. Harry needed a wee (after giving the usual 10 second warning). We were stuck in the outside lane with no chance of getting to any services for at least half an hour. Therefore, yep, you guessed it Harry peed his pants - bless him! He was so upset as he very rarely has an accident and is always proud that he uses the toilet like a big boy! Anyway, we got him changed and into dry clothes and continued the journey home. Aprox 1 mile from Membury services I get another warning from Harry - he needs to wee again! Brilliant I think as we are a stones throw from the services - this clearly was not quick enough for Harry as he needed to go immediately. He therefore pulled out his winky and peed all over my car (and unfortunately Shannon too as she had the misfortune to be sat next to him). I didn't no whether to laugh or cry (I love my son but I also really love my car!!) - Harry then announces that at least he pants were dry!!!!! Kids and their logic - brilliant! I'm pretty sure Richie would be looking down laughing his socks off at the situation!

Innocent

2009-04-07T05:48:00.000-07:00

Not sure if I had let you all know but Innocent have placed a post on their blog about Rich:-

http://innocentdrinks.typepad.com/innocent_drinks/2009/04/abouta-year-ago-we-told-you-about-richard-wildman-wildman-our-it-systems-guru-who-was-famed-within-these-grassy-halls-for.html

Innocent added this blog last Thursday afternoon. Following on from this I received an email from Alex Smith which I have copied for you all to read below (I'm hoping that Alex is ok with this as I have not had a response to confirm it is ok)

A Thank you message.

I started to write an email and then stopped. Then read some more of your blog and this is the result. I always found that I reacted to people talking to me about the big C with contempt and anger at how people cant possibly understand how it feels to watch someone wither in front of you. I read both you and your husbands blog through the innocent website. I'm 21 and lost my mum to cancer last year after a 3 year battle. I cant imagine what youve been through because everyones story is different, but what I want to say is that I find you an inspiration. I've tried to do some fund raising but I've been tied up in work and university and all the things that mean life gets away from you. In her last year my mum raised 600,000 for our local hospice, I have always been incredibly proud of her; she literally didnt give in until the drugs shut her body down. This really isnt a very well constructed email so please forgive me for this. Reading about you and your husband has made me realise that I need to be doing more of the things that my mum spent her last days focusing on. I try to perspectivise my life but am quite poor at it; wistful youth and all. I cant do a lot but what I can say (and do) is that the next run I do (half marathon) will be for your husbands charity. One day I hope to inspire people in the way you have. I wish you and your family all the happiness and success in the world.
Kind Regards
Alex Smith (Lex)
luv
lex
xxx

Every time I read this email I get a lump in my throat but am hoping that I am making Mr W proud by raising some cash for charity and keeping this blog going - plus its nice to know that there is at least one person reading this!!

Sam

Harry Turns 4

2009-04-07T04:27:00.000-07:00

Saturday was Harry's birthday. A really odd day for me without Rich as I am sure you can appreciate.
Unbelievably Harry slept in until after 9 (why do they do this when you don't want them to!). For once he got washed and dressed without the usual dramas, birthday presents are a brilliant bribe! His little face when he got downstairs to his presents was fantastic - predictably all cards were ignored as he ripped wrapping paper off all his new toys. As an adult don't you wish you could open presents in this manner rather than having to politely open them slowly and say lots of thank-you's before politely moving onto the next - would be much more fun to dive in and create a sea of ripped wrapping paper. I never understand the people that open presents so carefully so they can re-use the paper - makes no sense and must be no fun opening presents like that! Anyway, back to the birthday boy, so after Harry had opened his presents and ate his breakfast we (Me, Bec, H, Julie, Josh and Katy) headed off to Legoland - Harry's birthday treat!

It was a great day - sunny and dry - perfect! The first ride we went on was the rapids. Whilst queuing we could see the people coming off this ride looking pretty soaked but we ignored the fact that you could buy water-proof ponchos and piled into our 'boat'. It was pretty clear fairly quickly that not only would we get wet but we would also be leaving the boat soaked - however it was sunny so this was fine! What I did not anticipate was the random squirts of water that caught me straight in the eye so I left this ride not only wet through to my undergarments but also sporting the look of Chichi the Panda! Mascara running all down my face - nice! The rest of the day went well, the kids had a great time and Harry was on his best behaviour (for a change!). On our way out of the park we went into the lego shop and Harry purchased some toys with the birthday money he had been sent by some friends and family. Becs picked a new handbag (that's my girl!).

We stop at McDonalds onroute home for birthday tea (happy meals all round!) and headed home. The car was very quiet for a change, god bless theme parks for tiring out children!

Harry and Josh then had a quick play in the garden before Harry blew out the candles on his Ben 10 birthday cake. Bedtime went rather smooth as well as we were going to Thorpe Park the next day so Harry had more rides to look forward to - and as Harry has told me, he likes the fast rides as they "make my winky wobble Mummy" !!!!!!!!!!!! My son, the charmer!

Gangan

2009-04-03T06:27:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to drop a quick post in honour of my Granddad (or Gangan as I called him as a child!). My Granddad passed away Wednesday morning, he had been suffering with dementia for a while now so whilst its very sad that he is no longer with us I am hoping that he is in a much happier place and has all his memories returned to him.

My Granddad was such an inspirational person - when he was 14 he lost his parents and had to take care of his brothers and sisters - can you imagine having to do that at such a young age.

When I was little my Nan and Granddad lived in Brighton and ran a greengrocers. I remember loving to play shop when I was there. They lived above the shop and it was a victorian building so I remember the large rooms with high ceilings fairly well (or maybe as I was little I just remember everything being bigger, a bit like when you look at a Wagon Wheel now and think these use to be so much bigger and with loads more jam!!). Every Christmas, when me and my sister Julie were small, we would get a large box of clothes from Nan and Granddad - it was ace opening up this big parcel and finding lots of new clothes inside (more so for me as being 3 years younger than Julie use to get all the hand me downs so was always excited to have clothes that were just for me! Hmm perhaps this explains my shopping habit.......!). When it was time to head back home after a visit with Nan and Granddad we were always allowed to pick any fruit we wanted and Granddad would put it in a brown paper bag for the journey home. I always had bananas and Julie always had apples - odd the things you remember!

I think one of the best things about my Granddad was that he always said whatever he wanted - sometimes this was down right embarrassing - but lets face it better to tell it like it is than to dance around these things!

We will all miss you lots Granddad, especially Mum who is heartbroken that you are not here anymore. But we have lots of happy memories to remember you by so you will never ever be forgotten.

God Bless x

Mothers Day

2009-03-27T14:43:00.000-07:00

So my first mothers day without Rich was an emotional day as you can imagine. I was determined to keep busy and try not to focus on the fact that he was not there. My Mum had looked after Harry for me the night before as I had been out to a friends engagement party.

I picked up Harry and we made some food to have a picnic in the park and play on the swings before heading back to Mum's for dinner that evening.

Me and Harry arrived in the park and searched for some ducks to feed. Harry had fun throwing the bread to the ducks and swans. He then had the mission of finding us a bench to eat our lunch on. Once he had the right bench (a difficult choice for my picky son!) we sat down and ate our sandwiches and drank our juice before setting out for the important bit of finding the swings across the other side of the county park. Now Harry doesn't walk, Harry runs - as you can imagine Harry often trips, falls, runs into stuff etc etc! Today however Harry decides to trip and not break his fall with his hands but with his head!!! A massive black lump immediately formed on his head and he was screaming like a mad thing. I panicked and had no idea if a lump coming up was a good or bad thing and Harry was looking a little bit wobbly (I suppose you would after colliding head to pavement!) and therefore decided to take him to A&E to be safe. I was a fair walk away from the car and had to carry a crying Harry all the way back, I thought my arms were going to drop off. I remember being terrified at the time of anything happening to him - I guess thats the aftermath of Richie dying, you realise how precious life is and how easy it can be taken away.

Luckily A&E must be use to panicking Mum's as Harry was seen immediately and they thought that he was ok (aside from the bump) but asked us to stay for an hour so they could make sure he didn't get worst. Harry then played in the childrens A&E play area running around like a loon making me feel the biggest fraud as other parents came in with children with arms in slings or on crutches etc!

Killer Heels & Dorney Lake

2009-03-18T07:41:00.000-07:00

Myself and four friends have been getting ourselves fit by training for a 10K run at Dorney Lake in Taplow which took place Sunday 15th March. The aim of the run was for us all to raise as much money as possible for the charities we are donating to in honour of the fabulous Mr Wildman.

The day before the race the sensible thing to do would be to get lots of rest, stay away from the wine and have a healthy pasta dinner before getting to bed at a sensible hour! Whilst this was the plan, like all good plans can mine went to pot rather quickly. The previous week had been a particular shit one therefore when Katy turned up Saturday afternoon, instead of chilling out with a bottle of Evian we decided to hit the pub and sit in the sunshine with a bottle of Pinot! One bottle turned to two and then we where joined by Kat (another fellow runner!). From the sunny beer garden we moved onto the local Theatre to watch some friends in the local drama group perform the Regina Monologues - this seemed like a sensible plan as we needed to remove ourselves from the pub and get back to the plan of hydrating ready for our big run the next day.

The play was fantastic and was enjoyed by us all - therefore it was imperative that we remained in the bar after the show to congratulate the actors on their performace. This meant that we all obviously had to purchase further wine in order to toast the fine job they had done.................

At the end of the evening we walked the short walk back to my house from the theatre, tottering in my heels I stumbled and went over on my ankle D'oh!!! It immediatly really hurt and I had to walk home bare foot. Anyway, I climbed into bed ready to get rest before the big run!

I woke aprox 5am in a lot of pain everytime I moved my leg, I got out of bed to use the bathroom and nearly fell over as the pain was pretty bad. I got into bed and rest the foot on a pillow to try and make the swelling go down. After an hour I gave up trying to sleep and woke up one of my friends to drive me to casualty as I was concerned that I may have done some serious damage.

Got to A&E aprox 6:30 and luckily it was quiet so was seen immediatly and sent to X-Ray. The doctor reviewed the X-Ray and luckily no fractures or breaks (although he pointed out a floating piece of bone from an old injury - odd!!). He explained that I had sprained the muscle across the top of my ankle and needed to keep off it for at least 48 hrs and give it time to heel. Hmmm, this was not good seeing as I should be crossing the start line for the 10K at midday.

The doctor strapped up my ankle and it immediatly started to feel a bit better now it was supported. I got back home around 7:30 and decided to keep the foot up as long as possible and attempt the run. I know it was not the most sensible thing to do but I would kill myself for weeks if I didnt at least try - the run was for my Richie after all, and a few days before he died he attempted to squeeze his swollen feet into shoes in order to take me dancing for my birthday - therefore if he could attempt that for me then god damn it I could do this for him. My friends obviously attempted to talk me out of it but my mind was made up.

As we headed across to Dorney Lake I was beggining to worry that I would not be able to do this but worked on some mind over matter techniques that Richie had talked about when he was alive. When we arrived I started to feel better - there was a real buzz of excitement about the place and I picked up on this and was itching to start.

Myself, Katy, Pauly, Kat and Henry lined up with the rest of the runners and waited for the gun to fire to start of the 10K. At last the gun fired and we were off! The day was very hot and sunny and as we set off. The ankle was pretty sore for the first couple of miles but the more I ran the more it must have loosened up and I just kept my focus on Richie to ensure that I did not give up.

I finished with a respectful time of just under 60mins and came second out of the gang of us running! Never been so relieved as when I crossed the finish line though!

After the run we all got showered and met for a late Sunday lunch and re-hydrated with a couple of bottles of champagne (never one to be sensible!). Safe to say we were all tucked up in bed very early that evening.

Best news is that so far we have raised over £3,000 between the two charities we have set-up in Richies name.

Sandhurst

2009-03-03T13:32:00.000-08:00

Its been a while since I have posted so thought I should get my act together and get a new post in. Luckily last week gave me an opportunity to add a blog which relates to Richie as well.
I have, since June last year, been attending a management and leadership training course with my company Cable&Wireless. The course takes place at the Military academy in Sandhurst.
The venue is very inspirational so I have been very privileged to attend this course and enter this fantastic place. The course originally was split into 3 modules, each module focussing on different aspects of leadership and each module being two days with an overnight stay on-site in basic officer accommodation (this part I did not overly enjoy, not quite the Lowry darling!!).
Anyway, the company decided to add on an additional module, module 4. This took place for me last week. Unfortunately I cannot go into too much detail around the content of this session in case anyone who is also attending an iteration of this course reads this blog. The Sandhurst motto is “what happens at Sandhurst stays at Sandhurst” and to give away too much information would ruin the experience for the next batch of delegates.
Anyway, this final module was a physical and mental challenge, and at one point I was on the verge of giving up as the ‘activity’ I had to complete was, for me, petrifying! We were told in no uncertain terms that anything we were not comfortable doing was fine and we could just move onto the next ‘activity’. I therefore attempted this ‘activity’, legs turned to jelly, shook like a leaf and decided to move on to the next task. As I moved away I immediately thought “Good God Rich would kick your arse for giving up, get back there and do it!”. His motto was often, feel the fear but do it anyway. I therefore went back, focused on remaining calm and with some coaching from one of the tutors completed the challenge. At the end of it I felt brilliant, adrenaline buzzing and chuffed that his words are that strong they are still helping me through stuff today. What an amazing man.

I often get asked how me and the children are doing. Some days are great some days are indescribable. Rebecca appears to be doing ok, we talk about Richie often and focus on the fun stuff from the past. Harry is still very confused about the situation; he seems to be starting to understand that Daddy isn’t coming back now and understandably gets very upset about this. However, Daddy is working hard to keep the ‘monsters’ away from Harry’s room with his magic kung-fu moves. Harry loves to demonstrate this – am slightly worried that he will knock me out one day as he is still rapidly growing into a giant much like his Dad!

Oh and don't forget www.justgiving.com/mrbaldy or www.justgiving.com/chemoman if you fancy donating in Mr W's honour

Franco's Speech

2009-02-19T02:49:00.001-08:00

Big apologies to Mr Francis for missing his speech for Richie off. I have been attempting to house keep my email at work this morning and found the email he sent me before the funeral.

It made me smile reading through the list of names again - especially after purchasing new PJ's on Saturday with a picture of a big Racoon on them! I have slept in them ever since, probably time to put them in the washing machine though.......

At Uni he loved his beer his chips and cheese, he did a bit of roleplaying. We were cool geeks though.

After uni often weekends to go clubbing alot and dance like loons till the early morning

A gentlemen amongst gentlemen I don't think I ever had a crossed word with him

Though I did nearly kill him with a wadrobe once

RICHARD WILDMAN
Richard
Wildo
Richie
Dr Honker
Ricardo
Tall Fella
Chief
Big Dude
Richie Racoon
Uncle Wee Wee
Big Guy
Big Fella
Friend
Baby Brother
Husband
Daddy..

Some cultures say names are very powerful so it makes Rich very powerful but it’s just testament to how many people knew him, loved him and what he meant to them.

Rich was the funniest, nicest bloke I’ve ever met and can’t really imagine the world without him. He lived life to the full. I’ll regret not spending more time with him.

He was a true gentleman with a code of honour and there was never a dull moment with him. His schemes, ideas, jokes and even speech stay with you, lift you. I’m sure you’ve all got your own favourite ‘Wildo-isms’
I’ll never be able to think of wire brush and detox without thinking of him.

It was the greatest honour to be his best man at his wedding to Sam and I know he loved you very very much and you’ve been such a ROCK to him throughout all this.
Bex Rich loved you immensely you need to be brave as your mum will need lots of hugs
And HARRY, the light in Rich’s eyes when he talked about you..you were his life. Through Rich I sort of knew I’d be ok too.

I could talk about the big fella all day but words can’t convey what he meant to us all and I need to go and cry now…like a big jesse in his words.

I’ll miss you mate!

My Poor Friends!

2009-02-16T14:41:00.001-08:00

I just wanted to drop a short note in honour of my fabulous friends - who are putting up with an enourmous amount of ranting from me and all taking it on the chin and letting me shout/stamp my feet/swear/strop and cry at the unfairness of it all.

Thanks guys, wish I could say it was going to stop sometime soon but I can't promise that! However, I promise to keep making the spicy pasta and to keep the wine fridge topped up for all emergency situations!!

Make A Wish

2009-02-11T12:05:00.000-08:00

As many of you may remember we collected donations at Richard's funeral and kept the floral contributions to close family. That day we collected over £400 to be donated to either a charity we set-up or to be sent to a charity of my choice.

So firstly a massive thank-you to everyone that made contributions. Lodge Brothers have split the money in two and sent half to Lymphoma Research and half to the Make a Wish foundation.

Today in the post I recieved the following note from Make A Wish:-

Dear Mrs Wildman,

I am writing to thank you for your kind donation to Make A Wish Foundation UK of £222.00 in memory of Richard Mark Wildman.

We recently granted five year old Lauren's wish to be a princess for the day. Lauren is from Suffolk and is living with Cerebral Palsy.

On her wish day, Lauren and her family were driven in a limousin to the beautiful Framlingham Castle, a truly fitting location for a princess. Dressed in her princess gown with wand and crown, Lauren was given a special tour with "the Queen of the Castle", before enjoying a magical horse and carriage ride around the castle grounds.

Your donation will help Make-A-Wish grant even more magical wishes, so thank you! If you would like to help us further please visit our web site www.make-a-wish.org.uk or contact us on 01276 405080.

As a token of our appreciation please find enclosed our Make-A-Wish star which we hope you will wear with pride, together with a copy of our newsletter.

Kind Regards

Laura Stentiford
Fundraising Assistant

Hopefully this letter will inspire you all to keep doing all you can to raise funds for the children and young people that need our help to make their wishes come true. I would be really chuffed if you would use Richie's fundraising site to filter this through - www.justgiving.com/ChemoMan.

Sammie x

Another Proud Moment

2009-02-11T02:13:00.000-08:00

Good morning all.

So I'm sitting at my desk dialled into a meeting, trying to catch up on some work whilst listening to the meeting (multi tasking!! always a challenge for me!). My email pings and I switch focus to my inbox and read the latest mail. As I read a lump forms in my throat, the email is from a man who has been searching the internet for some inspiration around trading after a bad day in the office. He found Richard's bet trading blog and from there this blog...... I have copied his email (with his permission of course) below:-

So, there I was.....after a bad days trading yesterday, scouring the net for words of inspiration. I found your husbands blog regarding trading. I saw the comment from someone in 2007 saying 'time to wrap it up' and thought, perhaps this chap is having difficulty trading too, so thought to continue reading the blog. I kept reading and reading, eventually crying my eyes out.
I thought to myself, that could be me. It put a few things into perspective.

Our little girl (my step daughter actually, but my parnters little girl) had leukaemia when she was three years old. She is now 10....and I have been with this lot for 7 years.
Richards words are an inspiration. I am so sorry for the sadness you must feel.
I am just a bloke who tries to trade and make my way for those who I need to feed. I hope Richard will sit and watch over my trading today and let me know if I mess up......
I will think of what is important today and wanted you to know Richards blog still touches people like me.
my site, it is very very new.....
www.laymate.co.uk
Had not a clue how to write a web page before I started.
All our very best wishes to you and your little boy,
Andrew Moss, Sarah (my partner, who is walking the dog right now and wonder why my eyes are red when she reurns), Poppy and Rosie.

I have re-read this email a few times, everytime I am re-inspired by my fantastic clever husband and feel so proud that I had him as part of my life. Myself, Harry and Becs continue to miss him everyday but today I feel a little less sad as I am reminded that he is still with us and inspiring people everyday as he did when he was alive.

Sam x

Charity mate!

2009-02-07T02:03:00.001-08:00

Big thank-you to all of you that gave donations after Richard's funeral. We raised £443 pounds that day. This money has been split down the middle and donated to the following two charitites:-

Make A Wish Foundation - This charity grants 'wishes' to children and young people suffering from terminal illnesses. Richard supported this charity whilst he was alive.

Lymphoma Research Trust - This charity uses money collected to support research and clinical trials for treatments for Lymphomas.

I have not yet set-up a registered charity as this is a long process and with my two babies and full time work find little time to do this, and to be honest I just want to get out there doing things to raise money. So, I have set-up two pages on the Just Giving website. One in the name of MrBaldy which donates directly to the Lymphoma Research Trust and the other in the name of ChemoMan which donates directly to the Make A Wish foundation.

We have some contributions on there already along with the money raised by the ladies in Ibiza.

The sites details are as follows:-

http://www.justgiving.com/ChemoMan
http://www.justgiving.com/MrBaldy

Anyone can make a donation via these pages in Richie's honour. You can even pay using visa/debit etc and even paypal.

Ill add details of the events I am taking part in to help raise funds.

Sammie

My own tribute

2009-02-07T02:00:00.000-08:00

My Darling Richie

I can’t quite believe that we actually have to say goodbye. You’ve been my life for nearly seven years and I am unsure how we will all manage without you.

As you know, my darling, you first hooked my heart when you were playing the Ugly Sister Silica in Cinderella back in Christmas 2001, I could never resist a man in a dress! We got together a few months after this pantomime and I don’t think you ever properly realised how you saved me. Before I met you I was broken and lonely and you bought me back to life and bought lots of laughter to mine and Rebecca’s life. I have described you to many people as my Superman and I wish so much that I had reminded you of this every single day we were together.

Our first year together was pretty much dominated by acting with the Maidenhead Drama Guild. Allo Allo, Canterbury Tales and Nevilles Island – we had lots of fun taking part in these performances and although I did not act with you in Nevilles Island I have lots of fun memories of hosing you down backstage for your curtain up entrance, especially the night we had had a minor falling out I think you started your performance that particular evening soaked through to your underwear!

I have so many special memories that I can always look back on with a lot of love as the special love you gave me will stay with me forever. And of course you gave me our Harry. I remember the distinct shock on your face the evening we found out we were expecting our ‘peanut’ and I remember even more the look of love in your face the first time you held our boy. The one thing that scares me the most is how I make sure our H understands how incredible you are as a Daddy as well as the complex, funny, witty, creative and all the other brilliant words used to sum you up as the man you are. And of course you became Daddy Rich to my girl Rebecca, I was so proud of you for doing this as we all know this was no easy task! And in the early days she played such splendid tricks on you that I know this appealed to your own sense of humour.

Our wedding day last year, at our favourite place Berryhead in Devon, was the best day of my life. Another weekend full of love and laughter, and many more memories that I will cherish forever. I was so proud walking down the aisle towards you with my amazing Dad, especially seeing you with tears in your eyes and in true Richie style you followed this up with some humour and yelled ‘hell yeah’ when you were asked to take me as your wife. We were not blessed that particular weekend with the weather however we were very blessed to be surrounded by all our friends and family.

The beginning of this year bought us news that rocked our world when we found out that you were poorly. But baby I am so proud that you remained so strong throughout all your horrendous treatment and that is mirrored in your wonderful blog. This blog that you created is a testament to your ability to reach out and touch people by giving them hope, courage and inspiration mixed with your wonderful wit and humour. That pride heightened when I read how your Chemo-Man creation was inspiring a 4 year old boy to keep fighting his own cancer battle. We will carry on this wonderful work of yours by keeping Mr Baldy going and will raise funds to help develop cancer treatments and help other patients with their treatment.

I wish that I could keep writing this letter forever and ever so that we did not have to say goodbye. However Mr Racoon fate has decided that our goodbye is now and therefore I have to let you go. As you leave us now and embark on the next stage of your journey remember how much Rebecca, Harry and I love you and will miss you everyday but we all understand that a piece of you remains with us always in our hearts.

Lots of love, Mantha

Tribute from Sean

2009-02-07T01:54:00.001-08:00

Words from Sean, Richies mate:-

Dear Sam

Please accept my condolences and sincere apologies for not being able to make it to Rich’s funeral. Unfortunately, work are sending me away to the Middle East on Friday, which is really shitty. The compassionate leave I need is only available for direct relatives.

I understand you guys are getting together on Saturday, I will be writing news stories at a telecoms conference in that day. To say the least, I would rather be in Maidenhead. Wayne asked me if I could write down some memories from days of yore when the Wildman was a Wildboy. Though, the Rich you met, fell in love with and married as a thirtysomething, was the same crazy, hilarious man that he in his twenties, teens and naughties. My enduring memories of Rich will be that he was always interested in doing something different. Conforming and doing the expected just weren’t his thing. He’s an inspiration to us all.

As a youngster, while everyone at school was into football, Rich carved a niche as the best cricketer around. His fast bowling was legendarily menacing. Rich was our secret weapon in school cricket, since he was about a foot taller than any of the other kids our age, he appeared to be about two or three years older.

Our school was on track to become the champion of whatever cricket league we were in, right on track until the last match of the season when our games teacher inexplicably decided that Rich would be last in the bowling order. The opposition had a batsman of Bradmanesque ability. He single-handedly smacked our best efforts into the boundary time after time. Until Rich got a turn, it wasn’t quite bodyline, but he piled in a few bouncers and just about took the head of the batsman clean off. We didn’t win the match or the league title, but that didn’t stop us laughing all the way home about the sheer terror Rich’s bowling induced in their star batsman.

When he wasn’t honing his killer right arm deliveries, he never sat still. Rich always had a project of some description on the go. From taking on minor civil engineering jobs like building an absolute death trap tree house or digging a “mine” in the back garden of the Wildman’s Julian Road house to learning a wide variety of obscure, knife-wielding, martial arts.

While most of us ere more than happy to just play computer games, Rich used to hack into them and create completely new ones. I distinctly remember one platform game he wrote from scratch that involved steering a ginger biscuit past a number of hazardous levels before ultimately dipping it in a giant mug of tea. Slightly more innocent than Grand Theft Auto, but at the same time strangely compelling! He was always creative, not content to sit back and accept that things couldn’t be changed.

I guess it was these early tinkerings with computers that caused Rich to steer off in another direction from the rest of us at 16. Most of our group went on to do A levels at the same school we’d doe GCSEs, but Rich did his own research and went to a different college altogether to learn how to become a computer programmer. He was adamant, even then, that he wan’t just going to have “a job of work” which is what his dear old dad had said grown ups had to do.

As well as the computer, another prominent feature in Rich’s room was an old typewriter. It was at this typewriter that Rich created Albert. He was a cowardly dragon who featured in adventures that we penned together. We’d take it in turns to write a page at a time, each time trying to outdo one another in terms of storytelling and surrealism. I have to say Rich always wrote his page faster than I wrote mine.

While my chapters tended to focus on structure and direction, his were characterised by weird and wonderful creatures and settings. This was the first time I’d ever written fiction, and it’s something that I’ve loved doing ever since. That’s why I ended up writing for a living, so I have Rich to thank for that early inspiration. Though writing business stories about telecoms isn’t quite as much fun as writing about Albert and friends!

We even recorded one of the Albert stories once, with each member of our circle of friends taking on a different character (I’m pretty sure this was Rich’s first theatrical performance!), and we also created an entire role-playing gaming system based around Albert and the magical world he lived in. It was like Dungeons & Dragons on acid with magicians summoning occasional furniture and warriors turning into weretrees rustling at the moon.

Before we both embarked on our separate academic paths though came a reward from our respective parents for passing our GCSEs. A three-week trip to Ibiza! Staying with sister Chris and family and then sleeping in Chris’s gym was a holiday that involved listening to a lot of Sex Pistols, drinking a lot of vodka and completely failing in all our attempts to pick up girls. For some reason the young ladies of Ibiza just weren’t interested an two spotty 16 year olds from Nottingham.

When we got back home we stayed in touch, during those post-school, pre-university days when we ‘discovered’ a mutual love of a nine per cent strength lager called Crucial Brew and Rock City nightclub. Though, again Rich had to be different. While our circle of mates were all into various heavy metal bands, he opted to become a goth! Even now I associate Fields of the Nephilim with sitting in Wildo’s back bedroom drinking Mad Dog 20/20, planning a night at the TBI.

Our musical differences didn’t stop us creating what was probably Lady Bay’s first punk thrash metal band, Rebel Death. Well, I say band, at that stage it involved one crap electric guitar, my limited knowledge of bar chords and Rich’s lyrical musings. If you want to hear Rich’s Revel Death song ‘Against Society’ being performed by the band go to www.myspace.com/rebeldeathpage if you’re easily offended, don’t go there! He didn’t play in the band, but he is credited with writing two or three of the songs and we always played Against Society at our gigs.

We saw less of each other after we both went to university, it was during this time that Franco can no doubt fill in some of the gaps! After uni though, we teamed up for regular jaunts and continued our friendship as if no time had passed. Although, during those days, our musical tastes which were more closely aligned. Having both moved on from ‘alternative’ music, we embraced house and techno in a big way. Clubbing was the new passion and like everything else that Rich did, there were no half measures.

One classic memory I have of a post-clubbing Sunday was driving along with Rich back to Banbury where he lived at the time. I don’t know where we’d been, but we were driving along in the fast lane of the motorway and, oddly, my car started to decelerate. I say oddly, because I had my foot right down. The clutch had snapped so there was no traction whatsoever and cars were starting to pass us on the inside. A gap in traffic allowed me to steer us over the carriageways and onto the hard shoulder. Without breaking, my car was still freewheeling along at quite a pace. Then miraculously, a service station appeared on the horizon.

Amazingly, the car had enough momentum to roll the best part of what must have been about ¼ of a mile to the service station, up the slip road, into the car park and bang into a parking space before coming to a complete halt. Laughing like a drain at our good fortune, Rich had called up the AA who promised to drop him back in Banbury and then take me back to Nottingham. The downside was we’d have to wait a couple of hours for the pick up, the upside was the case of beer we had stashed in the car boot. Sitting, in the sun on a motorway service station grass verge watching the traffic roaring past, beer has rarely tasted better.

Obviously, we both settled down a bit since. Over the past few years Rich made a life for himself in Maidenhead and I made one in London. Sadly, we didn’t see enough of each other during this time. But I know he was very happy with his new life. He didn’t stop doing new and interesting things and he didn’t stop making friends and influencing people. Right up to the end inspiring people all over the world with his blog.

Rich, a Wildman by name and deed, is a total legend, and though I’m deeply sad at his passing, I’m extremely glad I had the good fortune to have lived only two streets away when we were growing up.

All my love,

Sean x

Tribute from Wayne

2009-02-07T01:47:00.001-08:00

Personal note from Wayne, a school friend of Richies:-

Richard. (AKA – Wildo, Rich, Tall Fella, Chief, Mr Baldy)

To me, Rich was always a bit different, even from an early age.
I have known him since we were both at Infants School (aged 5ish) up through Junior School (up to 11years old) Both of us being at Lady Bay School.
Secondary School (Rushcliffe Comprehensive), we pretty much went our separate ways (this means we were in different blocks in school, and had little to do with each other on a day to day basis).
Then there was college and Uni, Work, Kids and MARRIAGE!!

The early years…
My memories of Rich as a person at that age….he was a kid (like we all were…obviously…Durrr), just a bit different. We used to play together, and go to each other’s birthday parties etc. Normal kids stuff. However, he was intelligent, but possibly geeky with it, always at the top of the class
He was into Dr Who and similar.
I recall he had lots of stuff that related to Dr Who. I especially remember him having K9 (a robot dog) and a Tardis that made Dr Who disappear….Cool!!
At junior school, inevitably there were gangs…His was U.N.I.T (UNified Intelligence Taskforce)…surprise surprise….Dr Who related. This gang was only for those who were seen to be inteligent…..oh and liked Dr Who, so he was already showing signs of being a bright lad.
Rich also played for the school in the cricket team ….he was a mean fast bowler, and even at this age understood that bowling at high speed and making it bounce at peoples heads scared the hell out of most people, and that got easy wickets. Tall for his age, and coupled with his ability to alter his face to look like a pit bull sucking a lemon as he was about to bowl, understandably made him a force to be reckoned with…. I think he was the team captain.
He probably could have made it in cricket if he had kept it up.

I have a few memories from these early days I believe are worth mentioning, he may have been bright, but was prone to being stupid with the rest of us.
I remember being in his garden digging tunnels (which collapsed on my head), building tree houses (which collapsed and Dallan Bradley fell out of) and having wars with the older kids from over the bottom hedge (apples, stones, sticks) which the tunnels and tree houses were supposed to help with. Although bright, construction engineering didn’t seem to be Rich’s forte.
We created a haunted house in his garden shed once, hiding Dallan Bradley inside in a sheet to be a ghost. We got Julian Hallam (a friend from over the road) to go into the shed and we closed the door behind him. Whilst Julian was inside in the pitch black dark, Rich and I squirted Red Tip-Top (a fruit drink of the day) in on Julian via a hole in the shed, both of us shouting that it was vampire blood. Dallan proceeded to do the ghost thing. Julian screamed at the top of his voice and continued to scream whilst smashing the door open and running home…cool… We laughed, but thinking about it, we may have mentally scarred Julian for life!!
Rich and myself were also chased by an angry farmer, after having created a base from his hay bails. We were little, but fast and fit, and got away easily by jumping a fence into another field. Little did we know, the farmer had jumped into to his tractor and 5 minutes later we were running again being easily caught up. Rich decided to try and jump a 2 meter dyke/stream…..he found he couldn’t do it and got caught. I had carried on going. Not sure what happened, but I think he just got the hair drier treatment from the farmer.
Richard, Sean and myself also tried creating tattoos and selling them at school. This didn’t really catch on…. probably because they were just blue ink pictures drawn on the sticky bit you lick from an envelope.

With age comes different experiences and urges…. and cricket faded away.
I didn’t really see Rich until later in teenage life due to the fact that we were in separate parts of the school. We would run into each other on occasions (sometimes quite literally), sometimes with Sean, or Ian Gardner (one of Rich’s best mates from Infants/Junior days with a similar interest in Dr Who), and Sean may be able to fill you in better for this period.

What I do know is, he had become more creative, using his computer of the time to write programs, one of which moved a very basic robot shape across the screen…. Great!! He was very proud of that one…. I personally didn’t get it? Each to their own.
He also created a world with characters (Flash Albert) with Sean, which included recording story chapters to tape, and writing reams of inane stuff. I will leave Sean to explain that one.

During the Uni/College days, we would occasionally meet, usually to go to a club or pub and have a good time.
Often we would meet to play role-play games. Most of us tended towards the likes of Dungeon and Dragons, Star Wars and Judge Dredd. Rich would prefer Vampire, Cthulu and Rolemaster, the more mature, creative and intellectually challenging role-play games of the time.
Rich took role play one stage further by doing live role play, requiring taking on a persona and getting dressed up (cloaks, robes, suites of armour etc etc), running round different locations hitting each other with sticks and pretending to cast spells. I’m sure his Martial Arts training in his earlier years gave him an advantage with this…. he knew how to use two pieces of stick with a chain linking them.
I suppose this was where he first gained his love for dressing up (something he later did far too easily…. including getting into ladies clothes for Panto!!).

Again, he was prone to thinking out of the box, and being a little leftfield (I think he liked Leftfield’s music!!), and at one point tried getting a few of his mates onboard with a Pyramid scheme. I think it was selling some sort of cleaning product!!…. Loony!!

Rich himself did computing at College/Uni, and for this I am eternally thankful. He helped me with some work I had relating to computers, without which I probably would never have progressed to gain my own degree…Cheers mate!!

Starting in Banbury and then moving to Maidenhead, Rich enjoyed life (ladies and Booze especially…. sorry Sam!!). Spending money earned from his computing career became the norm. He had all the games consoles going, and his flats (shared with friends in Maidenhead) would look like a war zone, with a temple to the Gaming God erected around the TV.

Never really a sporty person (apart from Cricket and Martial Arts) it was a little left field when Rich showed his apparent love for fast cars. I suppose he needed something else to spend his money on other than booze and computer games. Starting with a Vectra (ok…not very sporty), then a Toyota MR2, and obviously finally the Audi TT. I had the pleasure of being in a car with Rich on a couple occasions. As far I could tell, driving was not his forte either. However, just like him, he was so inclined to keep himself busy, he even created what he referred to as “Motorway Games” where he would try and miss “cats eyes” when changing lanes, or try and keep up with “motorway buddies”. It works, I catch myself doing it even now!!

Life in Maidenhead then took a dramatic turn…He met Sam.
Time to settle down!
Time to have Kids!
Time to get married!

Rich enjoyed his boozy, gaming and lady filled life prior to meeting Sam, but he loved life even more having met Sam. Rich was always flighty in relationships, and often mentioned, “hitting the big red button to abort” with earlier ladies. But I never heard Rich mention the big red button with Sam, not once! He Loved you Sam.

I know he was also extremely proud of being a Dad, not only to Harry, but also to Rebecca. Prior to myself becoming a Dad (and during), I remember Rich telling me on several occasions how wonderful it was with Harry, the smiles, the new words, the new actions, crawling, walking, hugging, crying…. nappies, sick…..yep….wonderful. I could also hear it in his voice when he chatted about how Harry would kick everything (the cats being potential targets occasionally).

So from all of this, how do I sum up Richard.

A bright, intelligent man, who enjoyed life to the full, and had time for others.
A true character, with a great sense of humour (his blog was testament to that), albeit a bit wacky at times.
A creative and energetic man, who always looked beyond the horizon to new alternative possibilities and experiences, and was positive, even to the end.
A man who loved his Wife, family and the life he had with them.
Finally, He was a friend. And I am proud to have had Rich as a friend.
My only regret is that we did not meet up as often as we should have.

I will miss him, and I am sure others will too.

Wanners.

Tributes from Innocent

2009-02-07T01:38:00.001-08:00

Tributes from Richard's colleagues at Innocent Drinks:-

· Richard managed the IT development team here at innocent. He was one of the most straight forward, natural, engaging, and above all, amusing people I have ever worked with. He leaves a big gap and will be sorely missed.
· Forget about being the creator of Chemoman, Rich WAS the Amazing Human Cake Radar: he could sniff out a birthday from the other side of the office and always returned with a slice, no matter how small the cake or how many people. Days without cake foraging were bad.
· The psychic link with Dave & how they would turn up in matching Tshirts on 3/5 days a week.
· The best desk buddy ever: no one else has ever sung or crooned at me so much.
· My main memories of Rich are the long, rambling conversations we would have in the car on the way into work - He would make fun of everyone and everything and always had big plans and schemes for the future. Secondly, the Elvis costume he wore to the last Christmas Do. Unfortunately, it was made of some kind of cheap plasticy rubber thing (including the wig). We had to contend with a 6'4" Elvis, sweating profusely. Very pleasant. He was a big personality in the IT Team and it's way too quiet without him.
· Energy and enthusiasm for everything and I mean everything, the best and (I fear that last) panto dame we will see here at Fruit Towers, he is (and always will be) sorely missed
· Richard had a great big infectious smile that he brought with him to work every day.
· Was always the life of the party, I remember a particular innocent knees up where we had the school uniform outing, there is nothing more hilarious or shocking than seeing a 6ft giant dressed as a 12 year old school boy propping up the bar and racking up the drinks bill faster than you can say hypnotist. I will miss Rich's personal way of explaining techy terms using stick men drawings!
· Rich and I were in the bar after one of the IT do's and there was a separate party of people who we started chatting to. When Rich was asked what his job was he said we were biscuit designers. "Well you know the chocolate bourbon's that was us. We also had a hand in jammy dodgers but that wasn't our best work." When pressed further, as funnily enough people didn't believe him, his response was that "someone had to design them".
· Typical of his randomness and ability to keep a straight face whilst on the wind up.
· Top gags and a top fella.
· Rich was a brilliant brilliant man. He made me chuckle every single time we spoke, whatever we talked about. His outlook was pretty special, it always helped put things in perspective. A good few of my classic innocent moments and quotes are down to him.
· Rich once taught me the correct way for a pantomime horse to walk. Apparently my initial technique was a bit basic.
· He had a wonderful attention to detail.

Tribute to Mr W from Katy

2009-02-07T01:31:00.000-08:00

Hi to anyone that still might be following this blog.

I have decided to begin posting on here as wifey and see if it will help me in the way it helped Rich.

I am going to post on some of the tributes that were read out at Richie's funeral. For those who did not know Richard that long or very well then these will hopefully help paint a bigger picture of the great man.

Letter from Katy, my best friend:-

Richie Racoon

I first met Richie through the drama guild he was playing one of the ugly sisters to my prince charming, it was his, sams and mine first dabblings with the guild, but the start of things to come.

It was during Allo Allo the next play where I got to know both him and Sam better, Sam was playing Helga, I Mimi and Richard a German soldier, Sam and Rich had just started seeing each other, and Sam and I had just started getting to know each other. I feel honoured and privileged that I was there to see their romance blossom, the highs, the laughter, the silliness!! I also think it’s a testament to Richard’s generosity that he accepted that where Sam was to go, I was to follow, (as one of my ex boyfriends commented he felt as though he was sometimes going out with me and Sam!) but I always felt welcome and enormously enjoyed his company.

It is fair to say that most of my memories involve fun and laughter.

I’ve enjoyed countless weekends away with Sam and Richard…..

Barcelona, for Sam’s birthday, where the three of us discovered a hilarious drinking game called fish face which saw the three of us slightly tipsy and thinking that wearing sombreros in the city was the height of coolness!!

A camping expedition with Kat, Henry, Little Rich, Sam and Rich to The New Forest, where Sam and Richard (the world’s tallest couple) camped in what was the worlds smallest tent – surely a sight to behold, which saw Sam sleep in the car and Richard head to the camping shop first thing in the morning after an awful nights sleep to purchase a 5 star deluxe man sized tent and double mattress!!

A weekend in Munich to visit our great friend Santhosh, involving champagne at the airport to see us on our way, much pretzel eating, drinking from stein’s, attempts to learn to count and say the days of the week in German and a pedalo trip on the lake where Santhosh and Richard got a bit carried away and kept steering us at speed into trees to much comedy effect, until that is we got told off and had to clean the boat!! (well the boys anyway, it was their mess!)

Other memories of Rich that bring a smile to my face include Rich appearing in Neville’s Island, singing Oklahoma manicly in blood stained y-fronts!! (All in character obviously!)
Many a BBQ at the Wildman’s with Rich surely being the best BBQer the world has ever seen.
His calm composure on his wedding day as Harry stole the show, by using a bouquet to hit Rich around the head with, while claiming “hat, daddy, hat” as Sammie and Rich tried to say their vows!!

I was always in awe of how big his brain must have been , he knew everything and was interested in everything! His interest in NLP, his love of acting, writing, filming and directing all of which he was hugely passionate about and talented at and he was not afraid to try new things and strike out on his own. I loved conversations with Rich, which could be on any subject, the wild, wonderful and wacky, but they were always highly enlightening and entertaining.

Seeing him become a father to Harry was wonderful, already a dad to Becs who he loved very much, when Harry came along I can testify that you could visually see the change in him from a man to a father and Harry was the light in his eyes. He was so proud of his boy and loved him very much.

Richard’s strength of character, warmth, generosity of spirit and zest for life shone through even during his illness this past year. Whenever I asked what I could do, he would always insist all I needed to do was to look after Sam, he never asked for anything for himself, he didn’t stop cracking jokes and believing in the positive. In testament to this, his love of theme parks and big scary rides meant that on his birthday in October this year, he was insistent we all went to Fright Night at Thorpe Park and man it was COLD. Similarly, he was determined to come out and have fun on Sam’s birthday in November – he was the one who wanted to go dancing!! Although we settled for dinner and drinks with friends in the end. Even in the face of bad news, rather than sitting and moping, he wanted to get out and face the world to eat Mexican and drink Tequila with Sammie and his friends.

I am proud to class Richard as one of my friends, I feel privileged to have known him and know that the world and those people he has touched in the world are the better off for knowing him.

The Arrangements

2008-12-12T07:26:00.000-08:00

As per my previous message, Richard's funeral is taking place next Wednesday, December 17th at 4pm.

The service is taking place at The Chilterns Cremetorium in Amersham. The website for the cremetorium is www.chilternscrematorium.co.uk there is a location map on this page for anyone who needs directions.

After the service we will be moving onto Stoke Place for the celebration of Richard's life. The website for Stoke Place (not to be confused with Stoke Park which is in close proximity to Stoke Place) - www.stokeplace.co.uk/index.shtml. It will be lovely to see everyone there after the service and all are welcome - as Rich would say the more the merrier.
Stoke Place is aproximately a 20 drive from the cremetorium, however a very easy route to follow. I will arrange for some instructions to be available for people at the cremetorium to ensure that no-one gets lost.

I would also like to once again express a massive thank-you to my family who have been a constant support at my side for the past week and all our friends who have been helping out with the arrangements/building work/paper work etc or just being the supportive ear at the end of the telephone or over a glass of wine. Without you all I would not be able to function at the moment so thank-you and I love you all so very much.

Sam

Some Initial Arrangements

2008-12-09T12:42:00.000-08:00

Before I go into the details I would like to say a massive thank-you to everyone who have left messages, sent cards and for all the phone calls I have been receiving daily. It's times like now that friends and family are needed to lean on and I am blessed to have fantastic friends and an amazing family.

The initial arrangements for Richard's service have been made as follows:-

Wednesday 17th December, 4pm at The Chilterns Cremetorium

Anyone wishing to attend will be more than welcome and I will be arranging somewhere for the celebration of Richard's life afterwards - details will be advised on here once I have everything sorted.

I am requesting that we only have flowers from family and close friends. I hope this does not dissapoint people but I am going to arrange for a charity to be set-up in Richard's name (or Mr Baldy Lymphoma) and the funeral director will collect any donations people may wish to make. They will then transfer the monies to the charity once everything is set-up or we will donate to Cancer Research if this process takes longer than anticipated (I have only made initial research into how to set-up a charity so it may take some time, I'm not sure...... if anyone has any experience of this all advice is welcomed)

Sam

My Fantastic Husband........

2008-12-05T09:54:00.000-08:00

For those of you that I have not been able to contact directly, or via friends I am sorry if this is where you hear the news. But sadly my fabulous husband lost the battle this morning and passed away in his sleep.

For all of you that have been following this blog and helping Richard with your fantastic words of support I would like to say how appreciative I am that you were all there behind him every step of this fight.

I will add another post on here once the arrangements have been made.

I wish that I was as witty and good with words as my boy to add a comment to make you all smile, all I can think is that in his non-believing state he is now having an argument with St Peter at the gates to let him in! Which no doubt he will win (probably bribing them to update their IT systems).

Sam x

It's Just A Bit Aggressive

2008-11-28T09:20:00.000-08:00

Last morning I woke up with a husky voice, today none at all. I could make gruff noises, whisper quite coherently but not talk, at least not in human. I think this gives an idea how aggressive this thing is. No small change every few days. The radiotherapy doc noticed that the tumour has increased significantly from the scan he saw barely a week ago, so have moved the radiotherapy forward to this Monday. I'm quite happy with that as I want it zapped. He is worried about the amount of radiation its going to take to have a chance to clear the left lung (I think it is the left one). There isn't any choice really. Unless the main mass shrinks, it'll have burst out my chest aliens style before there'd be any chance of being ready for the stem cell procedure. My current set of doctors/consultants at Wexham just seem to want to keep me down. I had to go in today and give blood. I was hoping to see my normal consultant, who the consultant/doctor dude from Hammersmith, who we saw yesterday, would have got in touch with and brought up to speed and set on the task of coordinating donors. Anyway, he wasn't there and I got to see another doctor, she was okay until she started talking about all the different things that could go wrong before even getting to the stem cell transplant and that it was very low chance statistical that I'd get there. Bloody marvellous. I think I'm only going to listen to the Hammersmith doc. So far this week I've spoken to three doctors. Two from Wexham (first of whom depressed me so much I broke down in tears in their office), the Hammersmith doc who filled me again with hope yet tempered by the possibilities, risks and dangers and a final Wexham one who pissed me off again. Just tell me the path is fraught with potential issues and dangers and leave it at that. I don't want "very low chance statistically". One sounds hard but worthwhile, the other sounds like "give up, you're wasting your time". Argh! They make it so hard to remain positive and focused.

Hope Springs From Your Siblings Blood!

2008-11-27T07:32:00.000-08:00

We had an appointment today with a doctor in Hammersmith hospital. I hassled my consultant that I'd like to see him, based on the fact that he suggest my last chemo when everyone else was out of ideas. My consultant contacted him with my details and I made an appointment for 10.30 today.
I was nervy all night in case my voice was going to disappear forever and slept elevated and anything else I could think of (it was when I was not elevated at all that it happened. So, clutching at straws, but you never know!). Strangely, I woke up feeling pretty good despite a 38.6 temperature.
Things were manic, just as they are most mornings in our house, what with kids to get ready and drop off at appropriate places. Time was ticking and it looked like we would be late and then Harry caught his foot and fell on the step as we were heading to the car (he was okay and more worried about the toy he dropped, I almost filled my pants when I saw him go). We dropped him off, then entrusted ourselves to the mighty SAT-NAV. According to the ETA, we would arrive bang on time for the appointment, so if parking was easy and we were right next to the clinic we'd be a couple of minutes late, so all good so far. We hit some traffic and my heart fell, but there wasn't much and my wifes majestic driving (eek!) got us ahead of schedule without triggering traffic cameras or getting traffic police on our tail, so all good. We got there and to reception bang on time, then were kept sat waiting for half an hour. Typical.
The doctor came out. He was smartly dressed, i.e. shirt and tie, but somehow managed to make it look a tad dishevelled, but hey, I was more interested in what he had to say and whether it was just the same of rubbish.
He went through my story so far and sympathised (I started to think he was going to say, nothing we can do). He then went through the various options normally used. He said because RCHOP, RICE and ESHAP chemo have failed, it is highly unlikely any other regimes would work, so chemo was not really a viable option. He said the radiotherapy was a good idea and that media stinal tumour usually respond very well (much more positive). He said the only other option was a stem cell transplant. This would involve high strength chemo, then adding back in stem cells to rebuild the now battered immune system. He then said that it was highly unlikely that would have an effect. I thought this was where he was going to offer to do it, but just for the sake of doing something and maybe, slim slim chance, might work a bit. I felt my heart start to dislodge it self and get ready to drop, but then there was a "but". I like "buts" in there situations. He then went on to say that in this situation, the option with the best, real chance of eradicating (I liked the use of this word) the tumour was to do stem cell transplant, but not use my cells. So, it go as before, but instead giving me back my immune system, I'd get someone elses (how romantic). The idea being that the new immune system sees the Lymphoma as foreign, something mine hasn't done, and lays into the bleeder. The chances of success are not amazingly high, I think 35% was guesstimated, but that's better than what was on offer (0%).
First step is to find a matching donor. The best and most compatible are siblings, with a 1 in 4 chance of matching (so sisters I'll be asking you soon if you fancy throwing any stem cells my way). If not then they will search for a match in the UK database and I am told it is usuaully easy to get one. The thing with a sibling donor is that there is less chance of nasty things happening at the beginning, which is slightly riskier with a non-sibling donor. So the risks for me are very real but not as bad as the 100% risk otherwise. So I'm excited. There is a new plan and it is progressing. The only danger is that the new little nodules will be left to there own devices, so the hope is they do not become troublesome!

Rock Bottom

2008-11-26T07:05:00.000-08:00

Today was bad. In fact I think I hit rock bottom. Not a good place to be. Let me explain a little...
During the night / early morning, (I guess the opposite of twilight, but can't think of a name for it, if it has one. (I could call it norning or might, but that is just silly)) I woke up and it felt like my throat was clagged up with phlegm. I tried to talk but couldn't which freaked me a bit. I coughed and growled and tried to clear it but to no avail. My voice came back but very quiet and husky. My actual cough was not normal either, it sounded like a hobo giving his last splutter just before falling into the dumpster for the last time. It was weird, unpleasant and bloody frightening. I tried water and gargling but nothing would shift it and my normal voice wouldn't return, just this quiet husky alter ego. Next morning my ears were still not right and the right one was deciding whether to ring or sound like the sea. My temperature was high and I felt washed out and tired. It just seemed like it was lots of little things piling up, trying to kill me off in a kind of death of a thousand cuts or something equally dramatic. I was pretty low. My wife rang the Eden centre and they said for me to come in and they'll see what they can do for my throat. That made me a bit happier but my mood was down after so many days high temperature, feeling tired, worried about what's going to happen and the steroids I had recently had had made my legs as bad as they were yonks ago etc.
Sam had to go to London for work so she rang her mum, to see if she could drop me off and she could (my mother-in-law is great). They said they wanted me to come in quickly, so we rushed in and then I was just sat there waiting for about an hour or so. A bloke next to me kept trying to talk to me, but he kept using my ringing/sea ear so I couldn't hear him, just occasionally catch his lips moving. I tried to explain the situation but I don't think he could understand me with my quiet huskiness. That was just awkward. Anyway, finally the doc sees me. I'm expecting to get straight to business and get my throat checked and maybe my sinuses or something for my ears, but no, she just starts asking me a raft of depressing questions about my worse fears about dying. She asked me what I thought the throat problem was and I said it was either mucus/fluid or the lymphoma had done something. She said most likely the lymphoma had invaded part of the larynx or one of the nerves and that was why. I asked if during radiotherapy, if the tumour regressed, could I get my voice back? Answer: The radiotherapy may do nothing (nothing like building up a bit of positiveness). ME: But if it does? Answer: Maybe ME: Could I lose the ability to speak altogether? (scared now) Answer: Maybe ME: Would that be permanent, even if this thing was cured etc Answer: Maybe. Then she went on to highly emphasise how unlikely any type of cure was and there may not be any response from the radiotherapy (what has she got against hope? and radiotherapy for that matter). Anyway my pile of depression was being added to by the second. I so wished I hadn't come. At some point I broke down in tears. It may have been during some of the questioning or at some other point, just because I felt so low. I don't know if this was registered as a point on the "help come to terms with things" ledger (good work everyone, the patient cried, they can go to their graves easier now!).
Anyway, I finally escaped. I went back to ma-in-laws had some food and then had to rush home, as Sandra (who comments here regularly) was coming to visit. Got home as she was arriving, so good timing. Spent a nice afternoon and felt a lot more perked up by the end, which was cool.
What really perked me right back up was when my wife got home. She was all smiles and wonderful and just lifted my spirits. Thanks wifey!

Getting Ready For Rad

2008-11-25T06:58:00.000-08:00

I had my first planning appointment for Radiotherapy. Sam drove me over and Harry came too. The appointment was at 7pm, which was unusual, but left plenty of time, or would have for normal people, we got there in the nick of time. We managed to get lost in some deserted corridors before finally a friendly cleaner told us we were on the wrong level. So off we went Harry in the lead, Sam setting quite a pace and me at the back, my feeble pin legs struggling to keep up. We got there and they were waiting for us. I took my top off and was positioned on the CT scanner and some lines and dots were drawn on me. Then I was fed in and out of the machine a couple of times. When they were happy, three of the dots were turned into tattoos. Sadly dot was the only tattoo going, there was no catalogue or anything. That was that. The idea is that they can use the scan for planning where the beams go, which is then all computer controlled. It felt good that something was happening.

One Step Beyond

2008-11-24T08:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I woke up with a temperature of 39.3, which is pretty high, but the hospital aren't too concerned now, as this close to chemo day it is pretty normal for me (as long as my infection markers are low and I'm not neutrapenic). Anyway, it leaves you feeling washed out and crap, so I spent most of the day dozing. My wife had loads of work to do and was beavering away and the kids were playing. We were actually at the in-laws and they have a stair lift for great grandma, but she never uses it. Because it is there, some of the stair banisters had to be removed so it could travel okay. Well, I was lying there and Sam was tapping away on the keyboard when a loud bang was heard followed by Harry, our little boy, crying. Sam moved like lightning, I told somewhat longer unfortunately. Harry had fell off the stairs where some banister was missing and took quite a fall. He was in shock and had hurt his little hand. Sam had already got her sister to call an ambulance by the time I had got down. The paramedics checked him over and he seemed pretty much unhurt, but he was in shock and not himself. His mum went with him to hospital to be checked out and he livened up when he saw the toys to play with. He had an xray and a thorough check by a nurse and a doctor and seemed fine. By the time he got home he was his usual crazy self!

...And We're Back In The Room

2008-11-24T04:55:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm back and focussed again. After the shock of the previous news, especially when my consultant had said there were plenty of back up plans, things are settling. I will not lose to this thing. It is not an option.

Feeling a bit crappy today and yesterday. Had a couple of monster temperatures which drifted down throughout the day. Trouble is it leaves you feeling really weak and rubbish. I can't hear properly out of either of my ears. The right one is sworse and just sounds like the sea, whereas the left one makes my voice sound likes its emanating from the middle of my head. Don't know if it is the cold I had taking longer to clear than I thought or the stupid lymphoma trying to add to my list of annoyances. It's a real pain in the bum. Anyone who speaks to me, gets me saying what, pardon, eh several times and anyone I talk to, I boom at. I can make my ears click by holding my nose and blowing but it hasn't yet popped back to normal (oh, please let it do that soon).

Big thanks and hugs out to everyone who has been sending me information and messages of support. Some people have asked for the full details of what I have, well, it is called:

Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma - Large B Cell Defuse primary mediastinal (THYMUS)

Kind of rolls of the tongue really!

The news so far: Tomorrow I will be going to Reading hospital to be measured up for some radiotheraphy which hopefully will shrink the sucked down. I've been told it could shrink from 0 to 80%, but at the least it should be held. Then there is sthe possibility of seeing another consultant for some RF ablation to kill off the new nasties that have moved into my organs without invite or contract. Hopefully that will reset the clock back a bit.

End Of The Line Soldier Boy

2008-11-20T04:00:00.001-08:00

So I had the scan. No problems. There was no queue and it went like clockwork. The next day I had an appointment to go through the results.

My wife and I turned up at the proscribed time, cus that's the sort of people we are (well, we tend to be late, actually). When we got there our doctor was running 3/4 of an hour late. Great, more waiting.

When we were finally ushered in, I was asked how I was and have been. Then he gave us a letter which was the reply from another possible hospital that might have been able to help. It basically said, yeah, what you're doing seems okay, bye. So, that was helpful. Then, when there was no more small talk to have, my consultant said it was once again bad bad news. I had gone in expecting good news (talked myself into it), but was ready for bad news, but not quite what I got. He said that not only had the tumour carried on growing, it had also spread. That was what I was definitely not wanting to hear. It got worse. Rather than just spread to a few lymph nodes in my neck or something, no, it had to go for places that I didn't want messing up. It has spread to my liver, kidneys and other lung. Whoopee-do. I am officially riddled with the crap.

Then I was told there was nothing else they could do and that I had a few months. We asked about other centres in the UK and were told there were no other drugs to try and no clinical trials happening that were relevant or that I could get on, etc. Basically, your stuffed mate. The hint was made to not try and fight it any more but to enjoy the time left before bits start breaking and falling off. I can't do that. Now, for half of this I was sat silently in shock, whereas previously I could still keep my chin up and add in the odd wise crack. It was my wife who interrogated them for some threads to cling to. We asked about the option of trials in Europe or the states and just got blank expressions and told we could search the internet, which I thought was a bit rubbish. I've seen article written in 1994 about multi drug resistance and theories and possible drugs etc, surely by 2008 something must have come of them.

Anyway, we left, sat in the car in silence for a while, hugged and cried, in no particular order. I felt sad, angry, bitter, helpless and a myriad of other emotions too numerous to list. We went and got some lunch. Talked and hugged, etc some more. I decided I didn't want to mope around in the evening and so we got some good friends and went out to one of my favourite restaurants (mexican food, I love it). I got a bit drunk, as did everyone else.

Now, its back to searching for something that may help. I'm not ready to accept the end of the line, even if that's where I might be. A bit of selective blindness/deafness can be useful.

Scan Today....Scan Tomorrow....

2008-11-17T02:44:00.000-08:00

Well, I was in the hospital on Friday for a blood test and line redressing. I also wanted to find out the details for my scan which was meant to be scheduled for today. Did the blood stuff and that but when they checked their system for my scan appointment, there was nowt, nothing, zilch.

I saw my consultant fill in the request, the nurses there were totally sure the form had been sent through. So, they rang.

Nurse: Hi, I'm trying to find out what happened to a scan request for Richard Wildman

Faceless person on other end of phone: Did you send the form through?

Nurse: Yes, definitely

FPOOEOP: Hmmm, are you sure? If we had the form then he'd be on the system.

Nurse: Which is the reason I'm calling

FPOOEOP: Oh. We probably lost it then. Can I help with anything else?

Nurse: Can you add him into the system, for the requested Monday scan?

FPOOEOP: Sure, if you'll just submit a request form through. At this late date, I can't guarantee we'll have a slot free on Monday

So, I now have a scan lined up for tomorrow. Strangely, I'm not too nervous about, despite the fact that if it shows the tumour has not shrunk then they are out of ideas, which is not a good place to be. Ho hum, we'll see. I was also told that I won't get any results till Wednesday. That may be a scanxious waiting time though.

Panic and Raffles

2008-11-10T05:52:00.000-08:00

I've not written a post for a while again, I know, I'm a very bad person. I'm finding it hard to get motivated to do things, pretty much anything, including getting out of bed. I just feel tired, tired and then a bit tired. It hasn't helped that I've had a cold on the go too, which has left me with that annoying ear thing, where whenever you speak it sounds really loud in your head. I keep saying, "what?" or "pardon?" to anything said to me, as I can't hear a sausage!

I've also been worrying like some custom built worrying machine. Has the tumour shrunk at all? It's had a cycle of the new chemo and I'm in cycle 2, with a scan next Monday. I keep thinking I'm noticing small symptoms that I had before, which I then use to conclude that the treatment has failed and then panic that I'm out of proper options. Not a good place to be. Luckily, I don't stay there too long, but the slightest thing seems to get my mind back there. I know the chances aren't that high that it will work, but come on, I've never won hardly anything on the lottery and whenever there are raffles, I never get a sniff in. When I was little I used to go with my ma and pa to the British Legion club, where they would go dancing and have a few drinks and I'd sit and be well behaved drinking coke. There was always a raffle. I think in all the years we went, we won twice! Although, there was a family who seemed to win every other week. Hmmm, sounds like a fix. Legion raffle had some pretty good prizes, you know! Anyway, I reckon I should have earned a bundle of "luck karma" and should now be able to spend it! I just need to know who manages such things and how to get in touch with them.

How To Look Stupid In One Easy Lesson

2008-11-04T05:30:00.000-08:00

A few of us went to see the new James Bond film, Quantum of Solace, on Sunday evening. I did my injection for the day, whoo, got to love the injections and I was ready to go.

We parked in the multi storey car part opposite the cinema. The car park was busy so we were parked near the top. I then got to experience the joy of walking down the steps with my feeble legs. I was out of breath by the time we got to the bottom. I've still got a lot of muscle building up to do!

Anyway, everyone had crossed the road and I was hobbling behind. By the time I was ready to start crossing, I saw two cars zooming round the corner and didn't think I'd make it in time, what with my top turbo boosted speed being around the speed of a heavily sedated snail. I decided to walk along to the traffic lights and cross there. Now my brain said to my legs that turning would be a cool thing to do and one of them agreed, sadly the other leg was busy or just not listening and stayed where it was. So, with one leg not quite turning properly and the other one discovering a nice uneven bit of curb, the only outcome, according to the laws of physics, was for me to drop to the floor like a sack of sh*t. This I duly did. Everything DIDN'T go in slow motion, as seems to be the norm when falling or similar, but not this time. One minute up, the next lying on the floor in a heap, shocked and not quite sure what was going on. My feeble arms had reflexively taken the brunt of the fall, but only just. If they were any more feeble I would have been trying to do a bit of concrete mining with my face! The sound of me hitting the deck, reported back to me as "a loud thud", got some of the others looking back and I was helped up and dragged out of the road before the next cars came! (good move in my book). I had dirty hands and scuffed knees, just like my little son often does. No really injuries, which is good as with the anti-coag injections it would be a swine to stop any bleeding. When I got home I found some stonking bruises but the worst bit was that I fell over pretty much in front of the cinema, much to the entertainment of the crowd loitering outside. Still it's good to entertain and make people smile (laughing bastards! I'll have my revenge on each and every one of the tittering gits! Erm, okay, calm again now)

My Birthday!

2008-10-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this post is a little late as my birthday was on Tuesday.

I've been having little birthday type events happening since Sunday, where my wife, sister and I were going to lunch and lovely wifey had arranged for loads of family and friends to be there. It was cool. I ran out of steam about 5ish, went home had a quick sleep and by the time I had woke up, my wife was home with a few of the others, which was cool.

On Monday I said I wanted to go to Thorpe park (the roller coaster place). A bit of a stupid plan really, but I was feeling ok and wanted to go on a roller coaster. Doctor may not have agreed, but yaa-boo-sucks to him!. We got there in the early afternoon. It was bloody cold and amazingly busy. We joined a queue (a massive one) determined to get on a ride. What I didn't realise was how hard on me standing would be. My skinny legs were not happy and I had to find things to lean on. Just when it seemed like I'd have to give up, the glorious end was in sight. The ride, Nemesis Inferno, was cool. I enjoyed it, but the queuing had knackered me.

We went to sit down and have a coffee, which was good. Stayed there a bit longer, had a drink elsewhere, some of the others did some other rides but I was content to sit and chat.

Next day was my actual birthday but I felt under the weather and had a temperature, so didn't end up getting up until afternoon. Shame really, as there were quite a few birthday options available. In the evening, my wife cooked mexican food (I love mexican food) and some friends came round for drinks.

Yesterday, my temperature was behaving and we had some friends round for dinner (wifey cooking again and very well).

It's soppy, I know, but I love my wife. She organised lots of birthday stuff for me, so if one day I wasn't feeling good there would be something the next. She is one cool lady.

This morning my temperature started off well high (and if I was well behaved I would have rung the hospital - they would have had me come in and that's where I'd be for the next 4 days). I gave it a couple of hours and it had started to come down nicely. Stupid weird temperature. I didn't feel hot, didn't look like I had a high temperature. Wierd!

UN-BE-F*CKING-LIEVABLE!

2008-10-26T04:47:00.000-07:00

So, we're sat at home yesterday. I'm in bed, just getting myself ready to shift my ass and go downstairs. My wife wasn't feeling very well and was sat on the bed with my sister.

The door bell rang and my wife, Sam, went down to answer it. We could hear male voice but not what he was saying. We didn't think anything of it. A few moments later Sam came up the stairs really upset. After giving her a moment, she said that it was the RSPCA again! Apparently the mad old bitches had been making further complaints about out cats being neglected. They said that the cats are left outside without anyway of getting in the house and with the weather getting colder they were in danger. Hmmm, would be true, apart from the cat flap we had installed in the back door which they are happily using. Also, they complained that Sam went away for whole days and obviously they were going hungry. Yes, Sam does have to go away for whole days, due to work meetings in Manchester, Birmingham and London etc, but she feeds them in the morning making sure they have got plenty. If Sam is away that means her mum is going to pick up the kids. Her mum has two cats of her own, so she makes sure ours are well looked after. She will drop in after picking the kids up or dropping them off and load up the feeding bowls.

If you look at our cats, you can see they are well fed (maybe too well fed, Pete is a monster cat!).

So, the RSPCA man returned in a few minutes. Was shown the cats and could see they were fine. Showed him the cat flap and he was very apologetic and embarrassed but said if they got a call they had to respond to it. He said he would make sure we weren't bothered again by them.

My sister was totally riled. It was great! She shot round to mad cat woman across the street and spent a good ten minutes banging on the door but she wouldn't answer. She came back and tried next door but no answer. She asked us if the harasser from next door was likely to be in. We said yes, so she went back and just held down the door bell, so it was ringing constantly and hammered on the door with the other hand.

Eventually when she realised this wasn't going to stop, the old bag came out. My sister Chris said that this was not due to us, but was that she is pissed off that she is harassing us. Old bag tried to interrupt and was cut down. The conversation went a little something like this:

SIS: My brother, who as you know is not well right now and my sister-in-law are going through some tough times. I want you to stop harassing and upsetting them

BAG: But the cats...

SIS: Cats? Maybe you should start thinking a bit more about people!

BAG: Sam goes away for the whole day sometimes and the cats are neglected...

SIS: So, you're spying on her and coming up with a story without the facts? What sort of person are you?

BAG: You don't have to be like that

SIS: Yes, I do! With people like you. I hope this never happens again, otherwise I'll be back and you'll have a problem with me! And tell your busy-body friend across the road, the same applies to her!

She then came back. I loved it! Not sure if it will do any good or if we'll have the police round next, questioning us for verbal assault or some such rubbish. I do know we are not in the neighbourhood busy-bodies good books though!

New Chemo Regime and Meeting Radman

2008-10-26T04:29:00.000-07:00

The mood and message seems to change each time I see my consultant. Once again the mood is positive and the message is that the stem cell transplant option has not gone away. If this chemo regime can get a reduction in the nasty stink beast (my affectionate name for it) then they will jump into high strength chemo, utilising these drugs that have worked. Sounds like a plan. Also, this chemo is given as an outpatient, only takes about an hour to do and also is meant to be easier to tolerate. So far, sounds a winner!

So, I went in with my entourage. My wife was with me and my sister from Ibiza had come over too. So it was pretty cool.

On arrival, we were told another consultant had come over from Reading and wanted to have a chat. Hey, the more people looking at my case (sounds like a detective story, "yeah chief, I'm all over the case") the better in my book. We went in to see him and after a bit of wrangling around with chairs and stealing an extra one, he asked for some history. I reeled off the story from diagnosis to present day. He explained that he was a clinical oncologist, which meant that he liked to blast people with radiation, whilst giggling like a mad scientist (okay, that last bit may be my embellishment). So he wanted to talk to me about how a brief bit of radiotherapy could be used after this chemo regime. Basically, if the chemo worked, then it could help shrink the tumour some more and if it didn't work then it could give it a push back, whilst a new plan is being put together. He answered all our questions, was a pretty nice seeming guy and we came out happy.

I got given the chemo and left to go home. Felt a bit sick going to the car but that calmed down once I was sat down. I got home though and felt rubbish and went for a lie down. When the ladies came to check on me my temperature was spiking well high. I should have rung the hospital but they would have brought me into A&E and filled me with anti-biotics and not let me out for several days, so instead we gave a it an hour and checked if it changed. It dropped gradually back to acceptable levels and I was a pleased chicken.

I'm writing this from bed right now. My sister has nipped to church and my wife and son have nipped into town and I have a bit of a temperature going on again. Probably come down again by now though. Stupid freaky temperature!

Just so you know, the new drugs are: Gemcitibine and another whose name I didn't remember but it is a synthetic version of vincristine. I'll mention it when I find out.

Scan Day - When Your World Can Change

2008-10-20T14:16:00.000-07:00

I had the heavily awaited scan today. I got to the place, was given a big old nasty drink to drink and sat waiting a bit. The waiting room was pretty full and they were an amusing chatty bunch (total surprise, but a nice one!). So the wait was pretty short. They all got called and I was left with a very fat man, a man in a wheelchair and a couple of middle years, where the wife was frequently belching and issuing orders to her husband in her Scottish drawl. Amused me.

I was called in, had to put on one of the hospital gowns, you know, the ones where your arse hangs out the back. Lovely.

They put me on the scanner and zing, zong, it's job done. The table you are on gets slid inside and pull out again a couple of times. A voice tells you when to breathe and when to hold your breath and it takes about 5 minutes.

My lift arrives (good old ma-in-law) and we set off and I get a call from the nurse who manages my notes etc and my alarm bells ring. She says can I come back in for my results at 3.30, rather than just have them on the phone as they shouldn't really do that. Now, the only other time I have been called in for results was when it was bad news. I pushed it out of my mind, got home, had a brief snooze and got dropped back. As I sounded a bit worried my wife joined me (we have been very confident that this scan would be good).

No sooner had I sat down than my consultant said, "I'm afraid it's bad news. Very bad".

Whoopee! I thought. I bet the bloody tumour has not responded and is the same as before.

"I'm sorry to say that the tumour has grown considerably through this last chemo cycle".

This really shook me. I was so certain it was shrinking but no, the bastard was getting bigger, much bigger. It had grown in a new direction and wasn't pressing on anything and so not causing symptoms. But there was more. He pointed on the scan a teeny tiny new node, inside my lung. The cheeky bastard!

So my world changed. Not more high strength chemo lined up. The plan to try and cure me is canned and the plan now is to try and manage it (and keep me alive!). He said there are still some options left but they are not far from having to say, "there's nothing more we can do". I guess at that point it becomes terminal. I hate that word.

Anyway, next treatment will be Friday as an outpatient using some new drugs I haven't encountered before, in the hope of getting a shrinking response.

Quite a lot of news and even though I am calm, I know there is an emotion storm on the way.

The questions are building up, e.g. will I get to see my kids grow up. Hmmm, not the best news, but we'll see what we can do with it. Got to keep fighting this thing, despite it being a good player.

It be harvest festival time!

2008-10-20T14:04:00.001-07:00

Last week on Monday evening, I got a call from Hammersmith hospital saying they had a slot free on the magical mechanical stem cell machine and could I get there for 9.00am Tuesday. I checked with Ma-in-law who would be driving me and she said yes, but we'd have to leave at 7 (2 hours, not bad for a 14 mile journey. We love you traffic).

So, I get there. Unfortunately dropped off at the wrong end of the hospital but my hobbling is improving and I hobbled it ok. I meet the docs and nurses, all seem a nice bunch and then see the machine. It was definitely circa 1985, lots of spinny bits and relays. Very retro!

They entered my details and it recommended me being attached for 5 hours! The nurse operating it looked a bit bemused and said it didn't normally ask for that long (I just knew it was part of the conspiracy to make everything take ages in hospitals). So, they hooked me up from my Hickman line to the machines output, but needed to put a canula in on my arm for the machine to take blood. Okay, fair enough. At least until I saw the needle they were going to use. The nurse walked up holding what looked like a knitting needles older and bigger brother. I looked at it and wondered what was he going to do with then, when STAB! It was in me. I yelped like a guide dog that has misjudged the traffic and just bounced off a bus. It was huge but thankfully it had found a good vein.

So, 5 slow hours pass, each of which the nurse had to remain with me, checking me and the machine. I leave, with the warning that if the stem cells collected are not enough or of a high enough standard I may have to come back the next day. I started to deflate, but crossed my fingers instead and left.

I got home and began to slip, slide and hobble out the car when my phone rang. It was the doc from the hospital. He said all was good, in fact I had produced 4 times more than needed. Hurrah! Go stem cells!

The 7 day (head)ache, opposed to the 7 year itch

2008-10-20T13:51:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a good few days since I last posted, but I have a fair excuse (well, I think it's fair anyways). I have basically been feeling like utter crap! Since the Saturday before last Saturday, I was presented by the health fairy with a constant banging headache, that wouldn't shift with pain killers.

My sister and bro-in-law from Nottingham were coming to visit. I was just having a rest to be on full strength when they arrived and the plumber turned up (he is plumbing our extension). He announced after being here about 10 minutes that he needed to pull up the lounge floor. Great, thanks for the warning, we now had no downstairs rooms we could use (other than our teeny tiny kitchen). My sis arrived but they just came upstairs and alternately entertained the kids or sat and chatted to me.

The plumber then announced out the blue that we needed to get a new radiator. I was in no condition to, so my wife Sam had to take on the suddenly urgent task! She wasn't too pleased!

Despite feeling like 20 builders were trying to drill their way out my head, I managed to go to lunch with them. It was lovely to see them and be with them but my head banging constantly and feeling super tired was getting to me. Sam finally joined us and had some food and then I had to end the party and return home for a lie down (wuss bag!).

The headache continued with no respite until today (Monday). It was improving over the last two days and faded away this morning. Despite having got through 8 outpatient and 3 inpatient chemos, this headache came closed to breaking me. Anyway, it's gone now, so hurrah!

Me and My Chicken Legs!

2008-10-10T08:49:00.000-07:00

I'm out and discharged from hospital. I feel really tired and lethargic and can hardly walk due to my wasted leg muscles. I walk like a badly coordinated 96 year old. That's not the worst bit, getting up to standing is a swine. Don't even ask about the worry I had when I sat on the toilet (yes, I thought I was stuck and was going to need help to get up. I just managed it though. Not fun). As soon as I was released I tried to start getting some walking done and to go up the stairs a few times (that's a killer). Next morning the few scrawny muscles I did have were throbbing and I could hardly move my legs at all. Standing wasn't only difficult it was bloody painful too. So, as good as high dose steroids are for somethings, they are bastards when it comes to scoffing muscle tissue. I now officially have chicken legs (or chicken bone legs to be more precise!)

On the plus side, I now have a stem cell harvest date and a scan date. Fingers are crossed that the last chemo session (which I found really gruelling, more in another post) seemed to have worked (please, please). Anyway, I now have to give myself 3 daily injections (yum, yum) in my soft white belly. 1 is called Fragmin and is an anti-coagulant, the other 2 are GCSF which is the drug that makes my poor tortured bone marrow release stem cells. I have 2 of those because they don't do a single on in a big enough size. Doh!

Should I Stay Or Should I Go Now...?

2008-10-07T03:27:00.000-07:00

Grrr! I'm not patient any more (although I am a patient, boom boom, puntastico!). The doc has been to see me and checked everything off the list: no puking, no fever, temperature under 38 for 24 hours, looking well, not dizzy, weight ok, etc, so-on-and-so-forth.

The question was then raised again, "so, can I go then?"

She froze a moment. Did a quick computation. Not sure what it was.

She said, "Possibly".

How bloody useful is that? Still, if Hitler thought that way the 20th century may have been different:

"Fuhrer, shall we invade Poland?"

"Hmmm, possibly"

Many lives may have been saved and the Charlie Chaplin look-a-like may have lived a few more years preaching his own brand of hate filled rubbish.

Anyway, short dictators aside, she then said that she would need to run it by the consultant and get the go/no go decision. Just to make sure this didn't go on all day, I ask when she could do that and let me know and she said in 30 minutes. That was 2 hours ago. I may restart digging my tunnel (code name Charlie, after tunnel Alfie was discovered by guards and after tunnel Blinky collapsed).

The wait goes on. The trouble is, it could put my temperature up and result in me not being allowed to go!

The Incredible Puking Man

2008-10-06T09:09:00.000-07:00

So they told me when my last bit of treatment was done, I'd pretty much be able to go home. I was an excited kitten. Sleeping in ones own bed and all that. Well, the last slow bag of fluid crawled into me and I had a good nights sleep, all ready to be up and out the next morning but, shock horror, I had changed...

Into the incredible puking man! I was woken at 6 (as normal), loaded with anti-sickness drugs and then proceeded to spend the morning feeling nauseous and doing some power puking. It was horrible and very disappointing. Apparently, Cisplatin (the drug I had been receiving for the last four days) is a mighty puke maker but the effects could have been dampened by the steroids, which were now done.

So, that was the morning, then in the afternoon to seal the deal my temperature went climbing to 39 and I felt like crud. My head ached and my body felt heavy and weak, so no going home.

Today, I woke up, feeling a bit weird. Temperature was 38.4, so they won't let me go today, but I've been improving throughout the day and not been sick, so with luck, I may get out tomorrow. I must be feeling ok, as I've got the lappy on and am typing this.

Anyway, just a quick post.

Oh yeah, if there is anyone with a blog out there in the blog-o-sphere who wishes to swap links with me, let me know.

I'm greedy and I know it, but I still want more...

2008-10-04T03:20:00.000-07:00

Many thanks to all the well wishers who have sent me messages. I love all the comments I get, unless they are hideous death threats due to my writings about the prophet (not done any, so should be okay there, unless the Johovas Witnesses read my previous post and get militant).

Now, just being greedy and believing that laughter is the best medicine, if you can plug your best joke at the end of a well wishing comment, then I'd be well happy. If you can uplift me and make me laugh, then that's double bonus points!

On the subject of jokes, are you like me and find that you can only hold a maximum of 2 jokes in your head at once? That's the way it seems to work with me and it is always the last two I've been told. So the real bummer is when you had a great classic belly busting wheeze-matic joke all lined up and then someone comes along and tells a stinker and boom, it's lost in the joke aether. Listen to what I'm stuck with as my number one joke right now. It's not good and I don't know where I heard it. Sorry if I knock anyone elses number one joke out their brain with this one, but I've got to share it and how bad it is:

Q: What is white, green and then white?

A: A frog sandwich

Come on, I mean, it shouldn't even count! I should never have lost some complex, yet amazingly funny joke that reduced all who heard it to tears of mirth, for that, so help please!

No sleep till Brooklyn!

2008-10-04T02:50:00.000-07:00

Well, chemo has slowly dragged on. It hasn't made me feel bad particularly. I've been tired and not wanted to leap tall buildings in a single bound but the previous CHOP chemo made me feel worse. The rub here is that you are wired up 24/7. There are 4 lots of a drug called Cisplatin that you get for 96 hours, accompanied by loads of fluids (as it is a bit of a nasty sucker to your insides if let loose on its own). Now, the annoying thing about constantly getting fluids fed in, as I've gone on about before is that they start to bloat you out unless you can get rid of them. They give you some drugs to help get rid of them, but it's an ongoing drudge. Anyway, the 96 hours is getting near to an end and my grumpy mood (obviously noticeable as my wife has bought me a Mr. Grumpy t-shirt. Thanks love). Also, both a plus and a minus are the large steroid doses used on this chemo. Plus side, I've always responded well, so yay there. Downside, if they are given late they can stop you sleeping. Mine were given late, as the infusions were going on so long (on and on and on...! You can tell I'm not the most patient person in the world). So, first night, no sleep, just mad thoughts that wouldn't go away. You think of one thing and go off on a tangent and then another and then another, until you pull back and think "I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP!" and then a thought about sleep, e.g. a film that had sleep in the title comes to mind and away you go again. Thankfully, I seem to have adapted and was able to sleep okay last could of nights, apart from the regular wakings up to pee in bottles (all urine out has to be measured and compared to fluid in, to make sure it's not welcome to bloats-ville).

That's fluids aside, ooh, lovely fluids. Or so you'd think! That brings me to blood. Apparently my red count was getting low, which would help explain why I was getting tireder. Now, I really appreciate people who give blood (and I'm glad I got over my cowardice and did myself, before getting ill), as I have now been a recipient (sorry to upset any Jehovah's Witnesses that may have stumbled onto this page, but blood transfusions are the least you've got problems with! Wow! That was a bit harsh. A brief aside. Whilst at home, between treatments two 60+ year old JWs came round to convert me, after hearing their arguments I gave counter arguments to their claims and they were not very happy that I did not just gleefully accept their rather "intriguing" version of the way of the universe. Have a look at their beliefs, I was amused. Perhaps I'm over stepping the mark now and should get back to business). Anyway, I was told I would need a new little cannula poking into my hand as my other 2 lines were busy. Joy! A new hole and a hand I can't use properly. They said as soon as the blood is in we'll take the cannula out. Cool! I thought, so that's not so bad.

"How, long to put the blood in?", I asked.

"About 2 hours, 4 at max"

Blimey, I thought to myself, that's a fair while. My thoughts were interrupted though...

"Per pack and we're giving you 3"

Lordy! Upto 12 hours to shove some blood in! And it ended up taking longer. Man, this blog is turning into my personal rant zone. I'm sure earlier posts were all happy and positive and talking about flowers and trees and other crap. Rah! Mr. Grumpy is in town!

Oxford say "no!"

2008-09-26T14:03:00.000-07:00

I've been allowed to escape for the weekend, which is cool and the gang. I'm sat at home, watching my own TV, sat on my own settee and it's great! No hospital till Monday, but then they want to start the next chemo (4 days early. I liked the idea of chilling and feeling good for a few days, but hey ho). Was a bit downbeat today when my consultant said that because I didn't respond to RICE, the cancer squad in Oxford did not consider me for the stem cell transplant and high strength chemo (which is the best shot at really blasting this thing apparently. It blasts me too, but I get to recover, whereas it should be no more (hopefully)). The bastards! The good news though was that he (my cool consultant dude) rang the cancer terminator team in Hammersmith and told them my situation and they had a different plan. They would go for a cycle of ESHAP (which is what we had in mind anyway) and if I respond at all, even a little bit, they would go for the stem cell stuff. Hey, Hammersmith gang, I love you. Oxford turds, you can go and university yourselves! No, I'm not bitter.

Okay, okay, alright already! I'll tell. The hedge incident. I'd better talk about it now as otherwise you'd have to wait a week or so.

Anyway, this hedge. Well, we had this hedge and it was a monster. It ran from the end of the garden, down to near the front "garden" (I put garden, because I couldn't think of a better word to describe the space where the cars park that sits in front of the house. There is a little bit of grass and a few weeds there too, so it is garden-ish.). Anyway, the headline to take from this is that it was a long hedge. Now, not only was the hedge one long mutha f*cker, but it was wide too and as everyone knows, it is all about the girth. It was about 4 feet wide, so it happily ate about a 4 foot chunk of our garden, for no reward. Oh yeah, it was also about 7 foot high. The good side of this is that it meant that we were well shielded from the mad, crazy and insane hound lady and her hounds. All seems pretty okay so far, when you think about, we have a 4 foot barrier protecting us from infection from the loon next door. The thing is, it was one ugly thing and after about 3pm the garden suddenly because dark, as the hedge blocked it out. There were also rumours that various members of the faery folk have been spotted living in it and if there is one thing that I dislike, it is squatting imaginary creatures (apologises to anyone out there who believes in such things)

Nope, the hedge was a pain, not only because it was ugly but because it had to be cut every few months. If you do it yourself it takes yonks and if you get someone in to do it, it cost a wodge. For what? Stupid hedge. Also, hound lady used to constantly complain about the hedge, demanding that I came and cut it on her side (as she was a pensioner, which is fair enough).

So, here I was walking towards my house when hound lady intercepted me and started moaning about the fence. No, not that fence, but the fence that was on her side of the hedge. A fence I never knew existed. She was saying that it needed repairing and some panels replacing. Obviously, any mention of fences from her, filled me with fear. Sam and I had been talking about getting rid of the hedge and if I had to repair a fence I never see or even knew existed, then I might as well get rid of the hedge and fix up the old fence. I told her this plan and she was ecstatic. I couldn't believe it, I thought she would moan. So, on a high, I called in, you guessed it, Steve the fence man. He was a little reluctant to do anything that was within 100 metres of hound lady, but the hedge extraction operation appealed. Oh man, this is going to be a long post as there is a lot of ranting to fit in. Sorry, I may have to save the rest till another day.

The Hedge Incident and the blood that never stops flowing

2008-09-25T04:53:00.000-07:00

I tried to warn you, but no.

"We want to know about the hedge incident, blah, blah, blah!", you said.

So, the hedge incident, eh? Well, it is quite special in that it features aspects and people from the fence incident included in yesterdays rant. It is like the fence incident but so much more. So much.

Lives nearly ended. Sanity was lost and many people may never be the same again. Also, the hedge incident hasn't official closed. One aspect (well, more than one if you went and spoke to mad lady of the hounds and could stand listening to her bitter diatribe for more than a few seconds, before wanting to snap her dry, leathery neck like an old twig (oh! I can hear the sound of it snapping! Ding, dong, the witch is dead.... oh well, may be one day) ) of the hedge incident remains unresolved (despite regular promptings and whinges from her majesty next door) and as far as I'm concerned will continue to do so. Anyway, that's enough of that unpleasantness for now.

Whilst lying in bed with a nose bleed that just wouldn't stop (more in a moment, if you can contain yourself), I had an idea. Let me run it by you. Do you remember the card game Top Trumps? Come on,you know you do. You had a set of cards, related to some subject or other, e.g. cars. Each card had a picture of a different car (or whatever) on and then there was a list of factoids, e.g. Speed, comfort, acceleration, cost. Each of these stats had a number rating between 1 and 10 (I think). To play the game, you would have the cards evenly dealt out and you would pick the top one (or could you choose one?) and pick its strongest stat. The other people had to have a higher value for that stat on their card otherwise they lost their cards to you. Probably the most boring game I ever played, as initially I inherited a top trump set from my sister and it was for flowers. A great was to get beaten up at school. I used to be a bit of a big time doctor who fan when I was little and my regard for Top Trumps totally turned around when I discovered a Doctor Who version. Wow! I could put down Cybermen and choose the stat scariness and win the card for the Krotons (a doctor who monster from years back, who looked like badly stuck together cardboard boxes (which they probably were), spoke in brummie accents (no joke) and whose nasty big weapon shot steam (ooh, scary!) ).

Anyway, back to my idea. I was sitting here, waiting for some kind of clotting to happen, when I thought what might a bunch of miserable cancer patients, all stuck together in a room on multi-coloured drips need to brighten up their days? Answer: Chemotherapy Drug Top Trumps!

It's a winner! You could have stats for: Toxicity, Vomit inducing, cost, number of side effects, length of infusion. I can imagine kids at school playing it.

"I've got Cisplatin. Vomit factor 9"

"Oh! That beats my Doxorubicin! If you had picked heart damage as the stat, I would have won!"

Sounds a winner to me. What do you reckon?

Yeah, last night my nose decided to start bleeding. Not something that happens often and normally not a problem, but when on anti-clotting drugs it can prove a bit annoying (and it did).

After going through numerous paper towers trying to stop it, a nurse wandered by, saw what I was doing and told me off for not ringing them for assistance. She then disappeared and said she had rung the on-call doctor and they would give me some clotting enhancing agent in the morning. I mentioned I was on Fragmin (anti-clotting agent) and she went, "ooh, hmmm, I had better ring him back" and went off again. Meanwhile I had a cunning plan. When I was little and had a nose bleed, I might sometimes create a "plug" for it. Basically, roll up some tissue paper into a small tube type shape and shove it up your konk, thus blocking the bloods exit. I did exactly that. All seemed to be good, until I could see blood around the edges soaking through. After a while, it had slowed but was still going. I lay back on my bed with a paper towel in place. The nurse returned to say they wouldn't be giving any clotting agent, as I was on anti-clotting drugs. A revelation! She said the on-call doctor would come and see me though. By now, I had got the bleed to finally stop. I laid back in a position, so as not to tip my head or risk starting it off again. I dozed off. I was awakened by the doctor who told me my nose had stopped bleeding. I said I know. They then went on to ask me various questions about how often I had nose bleeds (rarely), whether I was bleeding from anywhere else (urgh! no), etc. They said they would check my platelet counts (the cells in the blood responsible for making clots) to see if I was low and needed any transfusing (I didn't). They then went away and I could sleep. So an exciting night was had by all.

Love Thy Neighbour (or not)

2008-09-24T01:51:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit pissed off. Not about some ache or pain I have to moan about or some treatment option but about 2 of my busy body interfering neighbours back home.

You can imagine the stress my wife is under, with me in hospital, a full time challenging job, 2 kids and a house full of builders (we're having some building work done). I mean, just having me around is enough to stress most people to breaking point. Now, if you are a normal sane kind of person, you would be able to appreciate this and your immediate thought would not be to add some extra stress on top of this. Hmmm, that's what I thought, but not so. Let me give some background.

On one side of us, we have an older couple. He took early retirement and is enjoying pottering around doing his thing, whereas she still works. They have some kids who have left home but visit pretty regularly (bringing washing or grandchildren, depending whether it's son or daughter! I'll leave you to work out which). Now, they are lovely! When they found out I was ill and was in on my own, he popped round with some food for me, so I didn't have to cook. How wonderful! They regularly ask after and offer if there is anything they can do to help and you know they are sincere.

On the other side lives the lady of the hounds. She is knocking on a bit, smokes like a trooper and you can often catch the subtle whiff of booze on her breath in the afternoon. Her heart is in the right place and I'm sure she means well but she is a bit of an obsessive. She is animal crazy and has 3 ex-RSPCA rescue dogs. Somehow the 3 ugliest dogs I have ever seen, but I won't hold that against them. I used to think she was quite a nice lady, but then there was the fence incident.

I wasn't going to go into this but what the hey. So, we own the fence that we share between our two properties. I must admit, some of the concrete posts that hold the wooden fence panels were looking a bit dicky and she had been whining about them on and off for a little while. So, I finally got off my backside and arranged for some of them to be replaced. Steve, the local fencing dude came over. Now, Steve is a pretty laid back kind of fella (or so I thought!) and got on with the job. I arrived back home from work to an affray! Next door lady was having a full on shouting match with him, accompanied by her ever present side kick (nick named mad cat woman), who I've not even mentioned yet. Apparently, she was accusing Steve and by extension me, with a list of charges: a) trying to steal some of her land b) poisoning her plants and making it impossible to grow new ones c) damaging her top soil.

Steve was incredulous. He looked shell shocked and gave the impression that he had somehow walked out of the normal world and ended up in some dark version of Narnia. So, the complaints in question related to the concrete posts that held the fence up. At the bottom of each post is a bulb of concrete, which keeps it anchored into the ground. Steve had uprooted the previous knackered post and plugged the new one in the old hole and then added cement, to secure it in place. The same hole, but new post and new concrete (which would set and form the plug).

"Oh no", she said, "the old hole was much smaller. You have extended the post onto my property" (meaning the few inches of concrete around the base). She was demanding that half of the concrete plug piece was chopped off. Although feasible, quite a foolish thing to do, as then the concrete post would no longer be stable and would most likely fall into her garden (no doubt causing uproar and accusations of sabotage and invasion). Steve has explained to her repeatedly but to no avail, she was convinced. The other charges related to the fact that the soil had been disturbed (well go figure Sherlock! We've just had to dig out a concrete post!).

Rather than tell her to shove it where the sun don't shine, we (Steve and I) came up with an idea. We agreed to get her some compost, to replace any topsoil (a pretty good deal, which she reluctantly accepted) and to chip off some of the concrete and resit it (a slight fib). We did this second part, by Steve chipping at some of the concrete around the edge, until she lost interest and wandered inside, whereupon the post was secured, buried and then covered with top soil to hide from peering little eyes.

Anyway, that was the fence incident. Don't even get me started on the hedge incident, as that totally went beyond belief! Grrr! It gets me annoyed even thinking about it. I may tell you one day, but I think I still have a fair bit of counselling to go!

Right, before I go on, let me introduce the lady of the hounds side kick, mad cat woman. She is quite chubby, walks with a waddle and lives on her own with too much time on her hands. She is known to the local police because she rings them so often, reporting trivia. She had a full on vendetta against the pub landlord across the road from her (for no known apparent initial reason), but she called the police on him several times, putting his license in jeopardy and he had to painstakingly prove her accusations incorrect to avoid problems (through going through CCTV footage, bringing in witnesses etc). Finally, the police told her to wind her neck in (except in police talk) and he could get on with his job. Her campaign went on for a good few months though. Anyway, she is only every seen wearing a stone washed blue denim top and a pair of dark trousers. If the slightest thing goes passed her house you can see the curtain twitch. It doesn't matter if it is a plastic bag blowing by on the wind or a small boy on his bicycle (in either case she would probably be right on the phone to the police to either: report the pub over the road for littering or the small boy for being a possible ram raider, thug, hoodie or suicide bomber). If she is not curtain twitching she is busy-bodying. What is busy-bodying, I hear you ask. Well, the dictionary definition has it as: busy-bodying: verb - to go around neighbouring properties, interfering and generally being a nosey old sow.

So, she might be having a look in your bins or a quick peek through your window on the way by. She thinks she is protecting the neighbourhood I think, but she just comes across as a nut.

Why the name mad cat woman? Well, when we first moved in, she used to come and report to us that she had seen our cats outside. A knock on the door at some bizarre time in the evening and there it's standing. No hello, just, "your cat was on the road this afternoon". Not a lot you can say to that. "Really? How super." (our road is not a main one). She would then turn and leave or alternately stand there waiting, for what I never could tell. Eventually she'd go and all would be well in the world. So, she would report back to us that our fully grown adult outdoor cats have crossed the road (something they have successfully done many times. Both knowing that traffic is not to be trusted and cars moving towards them are to be avoided. Pretty standard cats really). Sometimes she would take more radical action and you'd see her hand come through the cat flap, shoving one of the cats inside! I guess she thought you was protecting them. A bit of a mentalist if you ask me.

Right, so that's pretty much the background. There is lots more but I think you get the idea. Now, back to my wife Sammie. So, Sammie, worried about me in here, got 2 young kids to deal with, a pretty stressful full time job and a house full of builders. Yesterday morning she receives a card through the door from the RSPCA inspector. She rings the number and they tell her in a not too friendly tone that we have been reported for neglecting the cats. Basically, they said that they had two reports of the cats being left unfed and locked out for up to 4 days at a time. Sam, obviously was upset but also infuriated (and if you know my wife, you don't want her infuriated). Yes, she has been away for several days at a time, but when she is away her mum will have the kids and drop them off in the morning, then come by and feed the cats and pick up any clothes and bits the kids might need. She would also drop by later specifically to check on the cats (she has two herself and is quite protective of them) and then when picking the kids up from the child minder in the evening would stop in too. If you looked at our black and white cat, you could see he wasn't going hungry (he has been referred to as "the bear" and "the biggest cat I have ever seen in my life"). One of the cats has an allergy, which we have some tablets from the vet to treat but had broke out into a rash. The RSPCA woman said that it needed seeing to immediately, so Sam took the cat to the vet, who gave her an injection and said another would be needed in 3 weeks (but was not worried). Sam reported back to the RSPCA woman, who then became very nice (I guess, they have to assume that reported people are guilty as charged until shown not to be) and complimented Sam on her rapid action. They chatted for a bit and the RSPCA woman said that she thought a couple of our neighbours had some serious issues. Sam said, "you don't know the half of it" and proceeded to fill her in with some details. So hopefully, now, we will not be getting any more surprise visits and any future interfering will be stopped at the source. I applaud people making sure that animals are not being abused, but interfering old crones with nothing better to do than make 2 + 2 = 7 and ring the authorities really annoy me.

Ahh! The therapeutic effect of a good rant. If you stuck with me through all that, then well done!

Ding, ding, round 3!

2008-09-23T09:38:00.000-07:00

Well, scanxiety wasn't around for long. My consultant came in and told me that despite the fact that the two scans were different, one was a high res scan and the other was something else (I don't remember every detail) and difficult to compare like for like, as far as he could see they did not show the level of tumour response that they would be looking for at this stage. Great! Super! Magic!

Hmmm, I was not surprised but I was disappointed. Strike 2. Apparently, there is a plan C, but with each failed go, the odds get worse. Good job I'm feeling lucky!

So, no more RICE chemo, this next week or so, I get to try out ESHAP. This little baby gets given over 5 days this time. Joy. One of the drugs is infused for 96 hours. Sounds nice. Still, this one features steroids, which the little git seemed to respond quite strongly to, so lets hope it does here. My fingers are aching from the constanting crossing and uncrossing!

Roll on ESHAP then!

Wheelchairs and Scanxiety

2008-09-23T03:24:00.000-07:00

Stupid temperature! After 24 hours of it behaving, it decided to ping up again, but its back down now and I'm feeling pretty decent appart from the stomach twisting fear of scanxiety. I've mentioned scanxiety before (sadly, not my own term, but if no one comes along in the next 30 days with proof of original invention of it, then I'll claim it as my own, damn it, and fight till the death to defend it, hurrah!).

Anyway, why am I feeling scanxiety? Duh! Cus, I've just been scanned (some people are so slow, really!). I was woken up at 6, as per usual. Blood pressure and temperature were taken by one nurse, who then disappeared to be replaced by another who made sure blood was taken, magic liquids from the hospital apothecary were infused into my line and the normal hospital approved dark rituals were performed, the usual sort of thing. Then I was left alone for a bit. I dozed off for about 30 minutes and was awoken by the breakfast trolley. Not literally by the trolley but by the nurse in charge, who was trying to determine if I was awake (and so should be quizzed about breakfast preferences) or alseep (so she could sneak away, one less ingrate to deal with). I said "hello" and after a short negotiation was handed two weetabix and left to eat them. Blimey, it's all excitement so far! I'll try and calm it down a bit.

To cut a long and not very exciting story short, I fell asleep again (something I'm getting pretty good at) and was awoken by a rather sturdy looking dude hollowing in through my door.

"Can you walk mate", he asked.

"Not amazingly well, but I can", I replied, wondering what I was getting myself in for.

"I've come to take you for a CT scan. They said to bring the bed, but if you can walk a bit, then we can get a wheel chair", he replied.

I was a bit confused. Why would I need to walk so we could get a wheel chair, but apparently wheel chairs are like gold dust and some of the other porters have hidden stashes of them for their patients. So basically, we'd have to walk the route, hunting for wheel chairs. Now, unknown to most people, the wheelchair is not a social animal and prefers to spend its time alone, roaming the corridors. They are however, well versed in urban camoflague and can be aggressive if approached head on. So, we set off. After walking down the first corridor we had a sighting. I could feel the excitement of the hunt. There it was, in its natural environment. Beautiful and unfettered. Graceful even. My porter approached, keeping to the corridor walls, trying not to spook it. His obvious experience in such matters coming to the fore as said wheelchair was quickly captured and loaded (with me). We then headed to the CT scan department. Unusually there was no queue of faintly miserable people, just me (the wheelchair) and a bloke in a bed who was asleep and very very pale. I was whisped in very quickly. Normally they have wanted to put contrast into my vein to show up blood vessels etc, but not this time, just bang on the table, in and out of the machine and bosch, thank you very much. I felt a little used. Anyway, a porter was rapidly on the scene and I was quickly back in my room.

Now is the scary bit. The CT scan will show whether Mr. Tumour-face has shrunk or not. If he has then things will continue on plan. On friday will be the final RICE (thank the lord!). If it has not shrunk, then it will show the little sh*t is immune to chemo, which will be bad bad news, as that is the main weapon they have. Kind of like saying the enemy are immune the bullets and explosives, Mr President. That gives the president a bad day. So, I'm hoping hoping hoping the bast*rd has shrunk, otherwise it goes a bit Pete Tong. A time for experimenting with mercury and infusions of sycamore root. Eek!

An Illegal Glimpse Over The Fence

2008-09-21T12:39:00.000-07:00

We did it! We mounted an escape bid. Well, my wife did really. She is very clever and very cunning (and may also be reading), did I also mention beautiful and talented too? :)

They (she and the kids) arrived after lunch today and we told reception we were going for a walk and could be some time.

Backtracking a bit. I woke up this morning and was feeling fine! My arm was looking more like it belonged to me and less to Hellboy. In fact it looked almost normal (almost, but still a bit squidgy).

I had managed to get through 24 hours without a temperature spike and at a time when I was most fearing having one (one of the lads who is a nurse here has just passed his blood taking test and is eager to let blood. If my temperature spikes they want a blood sample from my line and my arm too and I didn't fancy him having a good old root around, scratching his head, looking like a dog who was sure it had buried its bone here but then again maybe over there... near the tree (dig), hmmm, howabout next to the fence (dig)). No. Didn't want that.

Jumping in time again. My wife arrived looking lovely (you still reading dear?) and we shot off in the car. The perfect crime. The original plan was to go for a walk round the park, but as the most walking I had done was to the toilet and (mostly) back, we decided to drop in on the in-laws, let the kids play in the garden whilst we had a sit in the sun (me very in the shade). It was really nice. I had forgotten how great sunshine was. My artificially lit room, with only a glimpse through the bars on my windows (okay, slight exaggeration) to the beauty that is freedom.

Yesterday, the doctor had said that if my temperature stays in check and my blood counts keep climbing then they would probably be able to convince the ward uber-fuhrer to sign my release papers. I was silently hopeful.

Anyway, after a lovely afternoon with my witty, intelligent wife (just checking you're still reading, dear) and the kids, it was time to return. Rather than drop me off, they came back in and stayed for a bit (until Harry became painful with his constant demands for chocolate and yet another drink).

A little while later a couple of other friends, Gary and Kelly came to visit, which was great as I hadn't seen them for a while. Sadly, whilst they were here, a sign went up on my door. I had been marked. I don't know if it was punishment for leaving the defensive perimeter, but it looks like it may damage my case for release tomorrow. Basically, after my neutraphil count has jumped up and down over the last few days, today it is 0.5, which is officially neutrapenic and also meant that I should not have left the ward. Oops, I didn't know. Open the communications channels here people! Anyway, all is okay. I got given my "night time drink" (I opted for hot chocolate, as it is usually the one they can do the least damage to). I studied said drink and still fail to understand how basic hot chocolate can be made to look and taste so bad. An enigma scientists will no doubt be debating long after we are all gone.

Anyway, I'll let you know if I manage to will my neutraphils back up tonight and use my get out of hosipal card. If not, then roll on next "night time drink", perhaps I'll give Horlicks another chance.

Waltzing on the Ambassador's Lawn

2008-09-19T05:32:00.001-07:00

I'm still incarcerated in the Wexham Hospital of correction without being charged.

Remember Zebedee from the Magic Roundabout, many years ago? He was like a spring with a head on and used to boing around everywhere? Well, my temperature has decided to become just like him. One minute nice and low, the next it flies up to the highest heights (accompanied by the sound of Kenny Rogers and that woman whose name I can't remember singing some song about something being lifted up where it belongs. If that makes any sense to you, you're doing better than me). Now, Mr. Holmes, where it gets even weirder, is that sometimes, when the temp is high I feel ragged and just want to sleep and maybe grunt occasionally and other times I feel footloose and fancy free, desiring nothing less than to waltz, Viennese style (is there such a thing?) across the ambassadors lawn (okay, slight exaggeration, I feel okay and am content sitting up, reading, typing on the laptop and not just wanting to doze.)

Not a lot happening otherwise. I either lie here, wanting to go home or lie here wanting to go to sleep.

Almost forgot. I received a couple of units of blood in a transfusion (sorry if that loses me any Jehovah's witness readers, of which I am guessing there are a fairly vast number). No one had warning me and when I saw the nurse approaching with a bag of blood I was strangely freaked out. Apparently, my red blood count had been slowly dipping and they wanted to raise it up. It seemed to help and made me reconsider my move to not join that marauding vampire gang back in '96.

Well, I think that was one of my most bizarre posts to date. Not sure what is going on with my brain today, but thought I'd share its outbursts with you, gentle reader.

Until next time...

The Hicks In Town and 24 Hr Chemo Marathon

2008-09-13T09:58:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting at the in-laws with a cheeky glass of red (purely medicinal of course!) and a bowl of freshly made pasta (the sauce was made from fresh tomatos home grown next door, deeeelicious) when the phone rings "Its an emergency we need you to get in now". "Who is this" I asked, just in case it was MI5 and they had finally caught up with my dark past (that's another blog all together, or is it.....), sadly it was just the hospital. Bed battle had commenced and I had to haul ass to Wexham Park Hospital immediatly to secure my bed for my week-end chemo session. It was starting to get political! So faster than a speeding bullet (or the type of bullet with fat ankles, swollen arm and baldy head hobbling like a Granddad) I headed off.

So when I got there, I re-aquinted myself with the room - manky towel hanging on the back of the door, check! Urine sample bottles lined-up ready for action - check! Hospital entertainment system which for two pounds a day you can watch itv (as BBC 1 and 2 never work and most of its other functions are also bust - hey thats entertainment folks!!) - check!

Slept ok and woken up gently Friday morning 6am with a full blast of the room lighting coming on. I understood, in those first few seconds, what it is like being an alien abductee. Thankfully it was just someone wanting to take my observations (blood pressure, pulse, oxygen saturation and temperature). They wandered off to their next hapless victim. I got up and waddled to turn my light off. I got back into bed, wiggled around a bit to find the nest like space I had made and got about 30 minutes sleep before repeat of previous.

"Are you awake?", they asked. I guess any answer is also taken that you are alive, as if you can sleep through the turning on of the LIGHTS you are either blind or dead. They brought me some weet-a-bix, which is consumed quite happily and then next posse arrived to change my bed. I stepped into the bathroom and did what people did there, then I returned and hung out for a while.

Around 10ish a porter magically arrived and told me I was to be taken to the CT scan/XRAY department. I couldn't see a wheelchair and was happy enough to hobble, as each day my feet got more normal my walking got better. He stopped me in my tracks, most disappointed. I had to go on my bed. I shrugged and climbed onto bed and he took the brakes off and off we went. You get given right of way a lot more when you're in a bed, it must be said. I was then deposited at the intervention suite. I was jovially greeted by one of the team, who announced to her colleague, "look who is back". She popped out and said hello and it was really cool, I had forgot that appart from the sausage stuffing sensation, the team were a good laugh. We had a bit of a chat and then I was lead in and sat on a table. A canula needed attaching as they were going to sedate me. I was asked, "do I fancy the 3 gin and tonics level or more?"

I always consided 3 gins to be a bit light weight, which was echoed by one of his colleages who suggested 5 would be better. Anyway, in short order I'm feeling pretty squiffy and I know stuff is going on with my chest and neck but can't really feel anything so just lie there having a look round. Every few minutes one of the team lean over, smile and say, "doing good". I'd wonkilly smile back and continue with my random scanning.

The line was in and it wasn't too bad an experience. It is a lot less annoying than the PIC and it seems a lot more sure. Held in place with several sutures and not some plastic and glue arrangement.

Chemo on Friday was ok. Felt fine.

Chemo on Saturday was a bit pants. After the first two quick chemo drugs went in (1 hour infusion each), I felt totally tired out. Now it was time to go shoulder to shoulder with the 24 hour chemo infusion. Alongside it, is fed 12 litres of fluids. As mentioned before, you need to keep your fluid out matching your fluid in. I wasn't as I felt poo. Diuretic time! Whoosh, that did the trick. Basically, you are lying there feeling crappy and have to keep getting up to pee in a pot. Not my idea of a Saturday night (although, I have had some worse ones, but we're going back a number of years).

Sunday and my arms and legs were swollen. I was weighed and was 4kg heavier than when I started. Not an ideal sign. So, diuretics were continued on sunday. When they checked their records on monday I had passed the require 4.5 litres! That was pee central my friends. It requires dedication and resolve!

That about sums it up. Oh no, the dreaded curse of the cough-cough-puke was back. What happens is that if I move around to much or get up and go to the bathroom, it is as if a timing has been started. I can feel it. I know it has been posted in the mail and is en-route. I cough a couple of times. Okay, still got time. Then again, but for longer. Lets get moving people! Then it is cough, cough, cough, gag noise. Still time to get back in bed and lie very still. Nope, too slow. Cough-cough-puke! Not fun. The cough now seems to have eased somewhat but so far I have been sick each day. The most ironic ones, were where I was given a new spiffy anti-sickness drug and within 2 minutes of it going in I was vomiting like a steam driven victorian puke engine with the steam set to full and a raging boiler to boot (sadly, you don't see many of these around today). The plus side was that the drug made you feel high as a kite, which was tricky when I had visitors as I was more incoherent than usual (and my hands shook like I had parkinson's too)

Still, the 24 hour marathan is done and I am the proud own of a lovely(!) Hickman line. Gawd bless it.

Knock, knock... Whose there?

2008-09-10T05:45:00.000-07:00

Hello,

I know some people out there that are reading this blog, but it'd be nice to know who else is. If you get a minute can you click the "comment" link under this post and leave me a note saying hello? Be sure to leave your name and I'll be a happy chap.

Thank'ee kindly,

Rich

Achtung! Escape is impossible Englander!

2008-09-10T03:59:00.000-07:00

Not so Fritz!

I'm out!

On Friday, just gone, I was released from hospital on weekend leave, I guess that is like parole. I was visited by my friend Steve, his girlfriend and their little baby Jack, who I hadn't seen yet. Being a bloke I just thought, hey, he's my mates baby, cool. My wife on the otherhand went all gooey!

"A baby, baby!", she exclaimed. She then used any excuse or trick to remove said baby from either parents grasp and into her own. Cooing and ahhing at baby Jack all the time (until he cried, at which point he was handed back).

Basically took it easy on the weekend. Got looked after and spoilt by my wife, who bought me little treats (yay! go treats!).

On Sunday evening, I was dropped off at the in-laws, where I would be staying a few days, rather than be sat at home on my own.

Monday I had to go back into hospital, to have blood taken, get the dressing on my line changed (it had started leaking some blood back and looked horrible) and hopefully to have a CT scan to try to determine what was going on with my arm (and for the docs to have some more pictures to play with. They like pictures).

The hospital system really sucks when it comes to getting scans etc done. It is all done on paper and is a bit random. They give you a provisional day when you will be done and say they will contact you when they need you and then you hear nothing. Basically, if the consultant has a more important one to do (in their opinion) then they just bump you down the list. The best way around that is to make sure that your consultant is harrassing them. The squeaky wheel definitely gets the grease. Better still, if your consultant is their mate, then that can prove a winner. One of my doctors seems to have a bit of power over the CT scan consultant (either she has some dodgy pictures of him or he is just besotted with her), as she seems to be able to make CT scans happen pretty quick. I was sat in my room, bloods had been done, was expecting a few hours wait when a funny little man with an unusual greasy comb over arrived with a wheel chair. His name badge identified him as Keith (name changed to protect me from retribution from the greasy haired hospital porters union. A powerful entity, you don't want to mess with). He collected my notes and I hobbled into the wheel chair (they don't let you walk, but in my case right then, I was happy to be wheeled). He zoomed me to the CT scan waiting area (here I am redefining "zoomed" to mean trundle at a very slow speed, with pauses for coughing and regaining of breath).

The CT scan waiting area was a breath of fresh air. Actually it is pretty rank. I think the walls were last painted their jolly nicotine yellow many years ago. Also waiting were 2 other people in wheel chairs. One who looked like they may have slipped away whilst they were waiting. They were sat with their head lolling. Later snores revealed they had somehow managed to fall asleep in such a position. The wheel chairee next to me either was sniffing or sobbing, but they were so close that I didn't want to turn and look.

Time passed and wheelie 1 and 2 were taken in and after a few minutes came back out, waiting for their miscellaneous porter to come and return them whence they had came. This meant it was my turn.

I was wheeled in, then asked to climb onto the bed that feeds through the big doughnut that is the CT scanner. Sadly the line in my arm was no good for use with the machines automatic dye injector, as "the pressure can cause them to explode" (reassuring!). This meant that I had to have a new canula put in. I informed the scanner man, who I knew to be the consultant, that I was pretty short of good veins. He smiled and said that he is good at putting in canulas and not to worry. After a few minutes hmmm-ing and arrrr-ing, he agreed that I didn't have many decent veins left. He suggested trying one on my hand, informing me it'd probably hurt. He asked like I had a choice, but before giving my consent (or not), he had produced a big old canula needle thing and was jabbing away. After a few jabs, he had a canula in, but the vein bulged up behind it and it was no good, so that had to go. He apologised profusely and said he normally gets it first time (I'm getting used to hearing that). Second time was a charm. It hurt but it worked. I was left with a nice spurting of blood up my arm, but that just made me feel manly, so was okay (!!). Consultant man commented that I was very cheery and upbeat. How could I be anything else, when I was getting holes jabbed into me?

The rest of the day ticked on. They came and changed my arm dressing and then time passed and then my doctor came in. She told me that the tumour had shrunk very very slightly, but they don't normally measure at this stage. The fact that it is not getting bigger is good but not to worry about shrinkage at this point. The scan also didn't show any reason why my arm was still swollen. Scotland yard were still baffled. She then said that they will take my line out (hooray) and let me go home properly (until Friday). After more waiting, my line was taken out. A process I was a bit nervous about, but which took seconds and was pain free (nice change). I have to report back on friday, to have a different type of line put in (Hickman line). This cheeky sucker goes in the chest, which sounds a lot more attractive. Then, assuming all goes to plan, it is my last cycle of RICE.

So, I've got a few days of normality (kind of), until once more summoned unto the realm of the physician.

Still in hospital!

2008-09-01T08:18:00.000-07:00

I've been in hospital since my last post. In that time quite a lot has happened. A quick summary:
* Dark thoughts of doom (not fun)
* 3 days of chemo (details later)
* PICC line in my arm
* Arm the size of an elephant and the colour of a babboons bottom
* Coughing till I'm sick
* And.... hospital food!

Got here wednesday and was scheduled for a PICC line being put in on friday. This is a tube that starts at your elbow, goes inside veins, along your chest and empties the other side. Having it put it was like being the sausage skin when then the sausages were being made. My arm was already swollen so i think he needed to give it some extra gumption to get it in.
Later chemo started with the Rituximab and a quick infusion of one of the other drugs. All ok.
Saturday was the 24 hour infusion day. Unfortunately when they put in my line they only had single ones whereas I need two, so they had to use the canula in my other hand. Basically this chemo drug is pretty nasty and so they have to load you with masses of fluid and another drug called Mesna, so it doesn't start messing up your bladder and kidneys. Yummy. Now, here's the rub. Getting about 12 litres of fluid means that it has got to go somewhere. They dont want it settling in your body as a)that leads to bad things and b)makes you look really silly. The solution? Everything you drink and everything you pee out has to be measured and checked to make sure its balancing the fluid going in. So, picture me now. I have tubes in each arm, going to drips on either side of my bed. A kind of crucifixion set up. I'm not going anywhere. I'm feeling rubbish, due to chemo, mood, energy etc and don't want to do much at all.
So, the infusion started in the early evening and by night I was getting checked for urine production, as i was falling behind schedule. Couldn't be arsed, leave me alone was my productive thought. The response was to inject a diruretic into my line. It was like dark magic from ancient yore! I felt the rumbling approaching. Stomach to brain, erm, sir, I think we have a situation. Bladder here, I have incoming! It took about a minute before I had to slide my butt out of bed, grab a nasty cardboard hospital piss pot and unleash. Unleash it did. Only just got the next pot in place before reaching the top. Good skills prevailed though. Back into bed after. Now, trying to donate to the pot a little sooner. All was ok until the the pee monitor arrived looking worried again. Quotas not reached. We know what happens when quotas are not reached. Brace yourself bladder outer defenses have failed.
I got through my 24 hour infusion, but in this time being stuck in bed, there was a certain other body function that had been neglected but was not about to be forgotten. My second line was removed and I could be vaguely mobile. I stood up and the alarm went off. This is a 5 second bowel unload warning. All other protocols are disregarded. 5..4..3..2.. I hobbled like the wind, dragging my other attached drip with me. Thankfully all attrocities were averted.
Being bed bound so long and received big dose steroids has meant my legs have become pathetic and like chicken legs. Walking ceased to be the natural talent I've had for many years and became a new skill to learn. Very perturbing. Slowly lowering yourself out of bed onto swollen feet that look like skiddoos. Then wobbling left and right to get balance, then performing the nursing home hustle, throwing one disobedient leg forward then the next. This wouldnt be so bad, but I had a cough. This cough began when I changed position radically and each burst got worse until I started to gag and finally be sick. So, I had to time my expeditions so that I could be back and still before hitting the gag zone.
The cough has lessened right off, but still loiters a bit. My right arm is still swollen and red but not as bad as it was. I was sleeping with it suspended in a sling in an attempt to help drain fluid away. Stupid fluid.
There's more, but this post is too long already. I will hang fire, reload some vitriol and engage again later, may be mentioning some of the good points (there have been good points, e.g. my boss visiting with loads of home made brownies and more importantly getting a sneaky 3G dongle to me so I can get online, yay, online again)